I got saved when I was 19...I am now 35.....for at least 14 years I followed after God wholeheartedly....yet never felt fulfilled....never had his prescence strong in my life....I read, I prayed, I went to church, I served...I did all I knew to do to draw near to God so he would draw near to me....yet, I have always felt a huge gap between us....I rarley felt his prescence, rarely felt any direction from him, never felt his touch or heard his voice....A year and half ago I gave up....I have wrestled for intimacy with God, and I have not yet received it....I feel like a hypocritical Christian, a fake one....I dont know hwo to surrender anymore than I have, yet I feel like God is withholding himself from me, and withholding his peace, joy, fulfillment and strength from me....I am out of strength....I am out of surrender....I have nothing left in me to give to God....Am I the only one that feels so distant from God??? What happens when you give everything you have, and get nothing back??
Oh dont get me wrong, I see his goodness in my life, his blessings rain down on me, he gives me good gifts and had finally brought some stability to my life, and i am very grateful....these gifts are wonderful, but I dont want his gifts, I want HIM.....I have so much to be thankful for, but I want His presence!!! What is to be done with me???
You know, I was reading your post, and where you're at right now, is an amazing place to be... (I betcha want to slap me round about now?? LOL)
It sounds to me as though you have come totally to the end of YOUR efforts, YOUR strength and YOUR self. All the effort has gone and what you're left with is just you and God. I've been there and I know what it's like, (sending HUGE cyber hugs).
Please don't feel fake or a hypocrite or anything like that, I mean, I know I don't know you, but the gentleness and earnestness in your post showed where your heart is at, and that's "a deep desire for God and the things of God". Take heart in the scripture "you will find Me when you seek me with your whole heart". That's what you're doing and He knows and sees your heart. Hang on in there sister... it sounds to me like you're doing just fine..
I agree with Jacquie B, it sounds like you have a sweet heart that hasn't been hardened and calloused, take heart. You don't seem hypocritical to me at all, please do not despair as when you seek the Lord, he will be there for you. I like to read the Psalms when I am saddened.
This particular one has made me cry before...
Psalm 91
9 Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;
10 There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
11 For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
12 They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
13 Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.
14 Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
15 He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
16 With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.
If you would like to talk at all, or exchange messages and speak on the Lord or just connect with someone, please feel free to message me any time. I am looking to find other Christian ladies to talk with as well. Talking on the Lord with others helps, iron sharpens iron.
I was saved in my youth�.I am now 30. For at least 14 years I followed after God wholeheartedly....yet never felt fulfilled....never had his presence strong in my life....I read, I prayed, I went to church, I served...I did all I knew to do to draw near to God so he would draw near to me....yet, I have always felt a huge gap between us....I rarely felt his presence, rarely felt any direction from him, never felt his touch or heard his voice....several years ago, my brothers sold me into slavery, and since, I have given up....I have wrestled for intimacy with God, and I have not yet received it....I feel like a hypocritical follower of the Lord compared to my father, a fake follower....I don�t know how to surrender any more than I have, yet I feel like God is withholding himself from me, and withholding his peace, joy, fulfillment and strength from me....I am out of strength....I am out of surrender....I have nothing left in me to give to God....Why am I the only one that is so distant from God??? What happens when you give everything you have, and get nothing back?? I have recited these words many times, with no hope of escaping the dungeon I am now forced to live in�my name is Joseph.
I no longer desire His gifts. Though I�ve been barren all my life, I no longer desire a child for myself or for my husband. I am no longer interested in proving myself to my husband or to my rival. All I�m interested in now, is HIM.....I have so much to be thankful for, but I want His presence!!! What is to be done with me??? ....my name is Hannah, and one day, my son will anoint a son of Jesse as king over all Israel, and millions upon millions of people will find hope in my story.
Ptl4now, may the Lord richly bless you, with Himself.
"After these things the word of the LORD came unto Abram in a vision, saying, Fear not, Abram: I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward.", Genesis 15:1
I can really relate to this post. I got saved in high school at 16 years old. I had a spirit filled relationship with The Lord. I looked forward to praying and reading the word daily. I lovedto memorize scripture. I had a great group of Christian friends.
I moved to the US for college when I was 21. At 30 I felt dead inside the things I did to serve God "no longer seemed to work". I was depressed and miserable feeling far away from The Lord. I stopped attending church for a time and then found my current church . I red educated myself to The Lord and thought went to church on Sunday I felt motivated and pumped while there but left feeling empty again.
My church did a presentation of CR -Celebrate Recovery....I was not addicted to anything but felt strongly that I needed to go. I went through for 2 years and learned that I coved up so much with the Christian smile and everything is fine. I realized even nought I "went through the motions" with God I was angry. I felt my life was wasting and God did not care. (Talk about being deceived by the enemy).
In any event I have a long way to go (until I die) to be perfected and one thing I know for a certainty is "All thing work together for God". I know that I am not to be led by my feelings because God has a covenant relationship with me "He will never leave me nor forsake me".....
Besides CR I "remind God of his word" ..if my thought and "feelings"do not line up I start to thank God and quote the word when I do. Which always makes me feel better.....
Do not let the enemy tell you that you are not a child of God and that you are not loved by him....
My sister we all go through highs and lows this part of the phases of life even Christian life. I encourage you to find you some people or a church that have a passion and is experiencing the presence of God. It is contagious so find you does type of people.
