Hi. I would like to start a new thread today based on something that happened just recently. It stirred up a question that begs an answer.
I met a very nice lady on this site whom I consider very special and I still think she is. We happily shared a bit of our testimonies and then she shared somewhat of her past. So...I decided to share mine.
Her response was not very favourable...it was "too much too soon" as she put it. She openly admitted that it had bothered her because of issues in her previous marriage. She did thank me for being honest but felt such information would have been best for a later time.
I felt absolutely terrible, worthless, and condemned. I emailed her immediately and apologized for stirring up such painful memories in her and for chasing her away. A few days past and there was no response. So...I sent an email asking her if she still despised me and would it have made a difference to her if I had shared my past 6 months into a relationship. This was her response:
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"No, I do not despise you at all! You are my brother in Christ.
I have dated and visited with a lot of men in the past two years and have never had this type of discussion with any of them. It is good to share our past but at the right time and with the right people. It was not the right time for me and I ask you to honor that.
I do appreciate your desire to be honest and open and desire God's best for your life."
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Encouraged by this letter...I went to respond to it ...only to discover that I had been "BLOCKED" from sending private messages to her. Perhaps her actions spoke louder than her words.
I have shared my past with many on this site. I have never had this response. For the most part, it is my heartfelt desire that only the woman who is to be my wife would know everything about me. Yet I find, that in my desire to be completely open and transparent with someone whom I'm interested in ...that I want to share my past as she shares with me. Why?....because I want my wife to know everything about me...that there is no pretense,
So here's the question: When should one share their past? ...or should they?
It is obvious by this lady's response that it was "too much too soon". Yet her "Blocking" me sent an even louder message...that sharing my past 6 months later would also have been "too soon".
Someone had suggested do not share your past at all...it's all under the blood of Jesus anyways...so why drag it up? That is true...Yet I believe so strongly in intimacy and that the woman who has my "rib"... is part of me... and that she has a right to know. Now if I wait till our honeymoon to share my past only to discover that she would have never married me had she known...then I would be guilty of deception of the worst kind.
So...is there a wise woman or man among you who has an answer. If it was this painful to feel rejected so early in a relationship...how painful would it be for this same rejection to happen 6 months down the road or on your honeymoon? Is it better to share early or wait till she is madly in love with you ..and her love has blinded her to your faults?
Paul, I would rather share with someone in the beginning rather than wait until 6 months down the line when you really have feelings for the person and find out that maybe the past "issues" were dealbreakers. (things that you might not be able to handle, ex jail time, on the street etc.) I'm like you, I am transparent knowing that Jesus forgave me for all and so would my future mate
hi paul. i'm not the wisest, but this is what i believe, what's placed in my heart to say: first thing you should know is that you did nothing wrong. i commend you for wanting to be transparent with someone you want to go deeper with. there really isn't a set time when to bring up one's past. it's a gradual process. you just talk and when a subject matter comes up that touches your past or if it can be of good to her or anyone else in the group, God wants you to share your testimony-your past-your old self-so they can see what the Lord has done!!! do not hide who you were without Christ because this is how you honor your God by sharing all he has done for you!!!
it appears the lady was badly hurt by her ex. i feel badly for her, but then again i don't. please allow me to explain. ok, her ex hurt her, but that was her ex not you or any other potential mate in the future. when she is getting to know a potential mate, she needs to know she is with john doe NOT HER EX!! and if john doe's past was similar to her ex's, then that's all it is---A SIMILARITY---nothing more. she should be grateful that john doe is no longer that monster, but a new creation in Christ!!!
i know you are hurt because you poured out your soul to her to only receive rejection, judgment, and have communication stopped by her blocking you. that is so wrong of her to do. my brother, you don't need anyone in your life who is going to see you as your old self. who can not believe or accept that you are a new creation in Christ. i'm sorry it didn't work out for you...better now then down the road. pray for her. pray that the Lord truly heals her, restores her. pray that it is revealed to her while she is in prayer: her old self without Christ, and new self with Christ.
Humans are UNIDENTICAL.....one subject is acceptable to one and unacceptable to the other depending on....
PRESENT CONDITION OR SITUATION: as per your lady's response...
(Right time and right place). Taking into consideration the:
-Emotional stability
-Mental Capability (understanding and self awareness)
-Other Factors
Might be that your lady is trying to forget the past but bad memories flashed back with your past life sharing. And she is not ready. So she is entitled to what she think is best for her at the moment and you should respect that although it hurts. Trying to think of it you are lucky because what happened it best for both of you. At least you tried your best to be honest which is the right thing to do. Next time may I suggest to ask the opinion of the other party before discussing sensitive issues to avoid same happenings in the future. Bravo to your honesty.
Please bare with my english cause it is not my mother tongue if there are any mistakes I will be thankful to be corrected.
there is a single's gazette online here in LA. and although not Christian, i still learn and agree with some of what it publishes.
a guy covered this area as one of 4 points in dating.
he said do not bring any negativity into the relationship until the positives have taken hold and are flourishing.
then when you both naturally get into the negatives later, they will be of less importance.
i agree. all of us are imperfect having our 'flesh' to war with everyday. we all get tired or stressed or whatever and make mistakes. do we keep making the same mistake (sin) over and over again? no ! Christians do not chronically sin the same way (although we may have ongoing struggles in some areas). so it is not a good thing to parade out these errors in the first stages of a relationship.
but, if one has a chronic sin problem (drugs, booze, gambling, criminal activity, etc.) or has an incurable social disease (herpes, HIV, aids, Hep. C, etc.), then i believe it just to tell the person asap. God will hold you accountable for not treating them the way you would want to be treated. God is sovereign and you may find out that they will accept you just the way you are regardless...
Paul - I can see why you would be confused about the situation. There's gotta be more behind it (from her side). I don't even know what to tell you really...if you were starting to open up to each other, there really should not have been a problem.
I really like all the answers to this question so far. It really depends on the person, I guess. Seems like some want to know right away, some like it gradual, or even that it doesn't get addressed for a really long time. I have no problem sharing my past as long as I feel comfortable talking with that person. And I have no problem hearing about someone's past/testimony whenever they want to share it. If someone is sorry/repented for the thing they have done in their past, I can't hold it against them. I believe they are washed clean of their sins, as am I.
And Dsterna brings out some really good points with his whole post. Especially that some people might have some things about them that need to be addressed right away.
I want to give a big thanks to all of you who have responded to my question. I have been blessed and I am sure that there are as many varied answers to my question as there are people on this planet. Perhaps others will come aboard and share their advice as well.
This is a great dating site....and I appreciate them so much, for offering such services for free.
Hi Paul. Sharing your past its important.When I'm not sure I would say if you felt the need to share that's when it should be done. Paul we all have a past. Its why we are who we are now. God directs our path and tests on the way in great hope that we put Him first. I have a past its not all pretty.
Paul give her sometime she might be back and if not then its not God's desire for you. I've learnt that on these dating sights. God Bless you brother in Christ.
Man, Paul, let me just say this. There really is such a thing as over sharing. You certainly, like myself, have some difficult things in your past, that have happened, and that you have done... but you, unlike the person you are pouring out your heart too, have had years to process and deal with those things.
It's just too much man, especially if it's sensitive materials. And beleive me man there are things that are going with me to the grave because no one, and I mean no one, needs to know about them. I have delt with them before God, I have been forgiven, or forgiven the offended, I have worked through these things and they have no effect on me or a future relationship.
Some times we just want to unload because it clears our conscience.
The first time my wife cheated on me, I told her you know what? You hurt yourself alot more then you hurt me, because you are the one who has to live with the guilt for the REST OF YOUR LIFE! I don't All I have to do is be gracious and forgive. I am not the one who went outside of the marriage, I'm past it, I moved on, but man, her heart just got harder and harder and harder she could not deal with the guilt.
I'm not sure what the heck the point of that was... something about guilt and what it does to you...
I will say this though, there are things that I do feel people need to be up front with eachother about, as the proper time arises.
For instance, if you have a history of abusing women, but God has saved you and you feel you are no longer a threat, you need to let them know that. If you are still a threat to women, you just need a beheading...
If you have abused a child, again.. a beheading... but really thats not the kinda stuff you wanna sneak up with to the alter.
Now if you have been hurt over and over, had this done to you, or that, sometimes its just better to just... drop and move on man.
Like, when i meet someone new, I really DO NOT like to talk about ex's and past relationships. Theyre over, i lived, I loved, I learned, but that's all just in the past. It's better to talk about the present, and the future.
And I tell ya what, man if I start talking to a gal and all she does is gripe about ex boyfreinds and stuff like that... that's a big turn off for me. I'm not them, I'm alex, get to know me, that's in the past.
So to sum it all up. Be silent where you need to, be open where it's correct to do so, at the right time.
Hi tristan07. You might be right about leaving some things out but really there might be someone else that would be willing to reveal someones past to an other why take that risk. Our Lord says to leave the past in the past and to repent our past sin and be born again, Jesus is the only way, not to worry about tomorrow but to live for today. Part of leaving the past behind is sharing it. I would like to get the past out of the way soon in a relationship so that today can be lived according to God's will.
I'm sitting here thinking if there is something in my past I might not want to share with another person and there is somethings in my life as a child I would not want to share. I only share that with Jesus. So I guess we have to decide what to leave with Jesus and what to share with someone. God Bless
I'm sorry you experienced that rejection. I know it hurts. I guess the right time is when you feel comfortable, and the other also feels comfortable with knowing your "deep, dark secrets". My reaction is that maybe - not saying for sure - but maybe the woman involved doesn't really know the weight of her own sin. What I mean is, remember when Jesus did the sermon on the mount and talked about just looking at a woman is adultry? I think when we really know our own sin and the pain we caused Jesus and are truly sorry, then we come to the place where we can also forgive and give grace to others. (Not that it means that you would always be comfortable continuing to date or marry someone who had a really bad past). I think sometimes as new Christians we have spiritual pride, thinking we are doing everything right, but then as we grow and become more acquainted with Jesus, we see more and more of our sin (thoughts, motives, things we didn't do, not trusting him enough to take a risk, etc.), and so we get to the point where we really see all our good things are "as filthy rags" and it is only Jesus who is making anything good come of our lives. Then we can give grace to others and not shame them. I've also had people shame me about my past (its pretty bad). It hurts because I know Jesus washed it all away when I was repentant, and in a way it feels like they are trying to throw it back on me. It reminds me of the verse when Paul says, "where sin increased, grace increased all the more". I just figure they have not experienced grace in the same way yet, so I would just pray for them. At some point they may grow more in that way. I've also had a boyfriend get really weird about my sexual past (He was "technically" a virgin), yet he was pushing me to get physical things with him. That seemed really ironic to me. And, it was a big red flag for me and I did not go out with him much longer.
