Hi. I would like to start a new thread today based on something that happened just recently. It stirred up a question that begs an answer.
I met a very nice lady on this site whom I consider very special and I still think she is. We happily shared a bit of our testimonies and then she shared somewhat of her past. So...I decided to share mine.
Her response was not very favourable...it was "too much too soon" as she put it. She openly admitted that it had bothered her because of issues in her previous marriage. She did thank me for being honest but felt such information would have been best for a later time.
I felt absolutely terrible, worthless, and condemned. I emailed her immediately and apologized for stirring up such painful memories in her and for chasing her away. A few days past and there was no response. So...I sent an email asking her if she still despised me and would it have made a difference to her if I had shared my past 6 months into a relationship. This was her response:
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"No, I do not despise you at all! You are my brother in Christ.
I have dated and visited with a lot of men in the past two years and have never had this type of discussion with any of them. It is good to share our past but at the right time and with the right people. It was not the right time for me and I ask you to honor that.
I do appreciate your desire to be honest and open and desire God's best for your life."
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Encouraged by this letter...I went to respond to it ...only to discover that I had been "BLOCKED" from sending private messages to her. Perhaps her actions spoke louder than her words.
I have shared my past with many on this site. I have never had this response. For the most part, it is my heartfelt desire that only the woman who is to be my wife would know everything about me. Yet I find, that in my desire to be completely open and transparent with someone whom I'm interested in ...that I want to share my past as she shares with me. Why?....because I want my wife to know everything about me...that there is no pretense,
So here's the question: When should one share their past? ...or should they?
It is obvious by this lady's response that it was "too much too soon". Yet her "Blocking" me sent an even louder message...that sharing my past 6 months later would also have been "too soon".
Someone had suggested do not share your past at all...it's all under the blood of Jesus anyways...so why drag it up? That is true...Yet I believe so strongly in intimacy and that the woman who has my "rib"... is part of me... and that she has a right to know. Now if I wait till our honeymoon to share my past only to discover that she would have never married me had she known...then I would be guilty of deception of the worst kind.
So...is there a wise woman or man among you who has an answer. If it was this painful to feel rejected so early in a relationship...how painful would it be for this same rejection to happen 6 months down the road or on your honeymoon? Is it better to share early or wait till she is madly in love with you ..and her love has blinded her to your faults?
Womanoffaith278...Hi Gina. Thank you for your wise counsel... "However, not every person is ready to hear it...listen to the person, make sure that you both are on the same page before releasing such information."
Simple2BME... Donna, I'm so sorry for the experience that you had on the dating site. I have had similar and now I am cautious with whom I share.
Maybe a little at a time. I certainly wouldn't share every detail of my past. Not all at once anyway. I may scare a decent guy off. I'm pretty sure I would. But I truly believe you were in the right. I don't know. But it seems your heart was in the right.she just isnt ready maybe. who knows.
I have read some of the women/men's comments and it was an interesting read. I had ask God the same question. For I experience the same treatment but not always the same. Some couldn't handle it, others were entreat to hear more and others looked at it as an invitation.
I agree with what one man said as to wait until you really get the feeling of what kind of person they are & do they love you enough to handle whatever the past is. I have had my past thrown up in my face after weeks down the line assuming that is where the relationship will go.
My past is under the Blood of Jesus this I know. I do believe that being upfront with the one you plan on marrying is the correct thing to do. For I myself would feel guilty for withholding it.
Once two people (man and woman) have this regular communication especially through this kind of dating site on the net wherein you have never met or have seen each other in person (I'm talking to a long distance friendship/relationships) and only through email communications, you must be an open book to each one of you particularly if the subject matter is telling life about the past. This way, he/she knows how sincere and truthful you are telling bad past life and you have learned from that and start a new life.
On the other hand, saying...'too much too soon'....I don't think that is not appropriate. Why tagging too long to say about your past in the first place? Better be bold and tell all about yourself than getting emotionally involved and go deeper in the long run with him/her. This way, you will know if he/she is the right person for you having said all your past life. sharing past life is not a hindrance to your looking for a soul mate. We have all mistakes/sins in our past (most likely to those who had divorced/separated).
It is written: "The truth shall set you free". If she/he will not accept you the way you are and about your past but had changed you from the past experiences for better person, then he/she is not the right person for you, I may say so. Past is past and let's all forget that behind and God knew that we like to start a new life to glorify Him together with our soul mate. I believe that if he/she doesn't understand you from your past and could not accept that, he/she has a problem not you.
Life is an open book...as the eyes of the Lord is everywhere. He sees us in all our dealings and we all be judged accordingly by Him come judgment day. When two people unite and be married, they must be open to one another at an early stage of friendship/courtship/relationship so that everything will have a perfect marriage unionized by God and all their past will left behind and start a happy marriage though in between, you will realize not all are happy and harmonious....but...both of you will work together to make the relationship lasts. As the marriage vow says: for better or for worse, till sickness and in health, for poorer and richer, till death do us part....Amen!
Praise the Lord!:applause::applause::applause:
I thank this site to have this kind of sharing...this post forum.
This way, we can fully expressed what we have in mind.
It might at least awakened some of our fellow Christians here and sort of adding or contribute our views regarding any particular subject we need to discuss. Thank you CDFF for this kind of forum.
1Kingsprincess . . ."Maybe a little at a time."... Good advice. Thank you
Charlene . . ."agree with what one man said as to wait until you really get the feeling of what kind of person they are & do they love you enough to handle whatever the past is"
"I do believe that being upfront with the one you plan on marrying is the correct thing to do."... I agree with both your thoughts. I feel the same way regarding being open and honest before your future mate. Thanks for sharing
kindgrace . . ."When two people unite and be married, they must be open to one another at an early stage of friendship/courtship/relationship so that everything will have a perfect marriage unionized by God and all their past will left behind and start a happy marriage"... Thank you for sharing your wisdom. It is a pleasure to read.
You're a very honest, sincere, gentleman Paul. I had a painful experience in the past too and I shared it with the guy I talked with here, I felt like I knew him for years, so I felt very comfortable with him. He was very nice and he understood my hurt, he even stayed up till his morning to listen to my story. I was lucky to have someone like him, who readily gave me his friendship. Maybe the woman had a feeling that you'd not gotten over your past yet; she might have been disappointed. While I admire her for her straightforwardness, I think it's childish to block a person who doesn't have any intention of harming you.
As when is the right time to share someone's past, I would say we should wait a while, or until such time we feel it's right to do so. ...come to think of it; if you're a match everything you say or do will just be alright, you'll always meet halfway.
As a man Recovered from addictions withmy own past, you must ask yourself ,..and ask your own heart" What is my intent in sharing the gory details of my past and the details of my sin" n the Counselling filed it is dishonorable to make your partner either a therapist, a psychologist and or a Sponsor. There are people who do this kind of work. THere are pastors and priets and confideants to whom you can confess. If your intent is guilt,..or to impress,..or to shock: keep your mouth closed and ask for Clarity from the Hopy Spirit. We are all human and know the human journey. Why would you want to know someone'e difficulties if now they have given it to Jesus. You certainly cannot judge because the moment you do you "see the sliver in yourneighbor's eye and NOPT THE PLANK in your own"
God has made us all clean. Let us keep our intimacy this way: clean and under the blood
I am in agreement with you about sharing our pasts. We live in a whole new world, and many of us have been through some very difficult situations. It is a fast paced world, though we do not always have to have whirlwind relationships. But, if you are starting a relationship with someone you think might really turn into something, it's time to ask the difficult questions. We aren't in High school here, we are in our midlife and later years.
Thank God you were blocked from someone who didn't want to hear how God's grace and mercy have brought victory in the midst of sin and pain, and all He has shown you and helped you grow through it.
Life is too short to be squeamish about what's happened in our pasts. If we are mature Christians, we should be able to speak honestly and ask important questions, or move on.
There is none without sin, not even one! In order to be capable of loving, we must be capable of forgiving something that's long under the blood!
If you want to marry someone with a lot of hidden secrets, you will fail in your marriage before you even get a chance to start.
Funny how even Christians are willing to share even their bodies, God's Temple, with each other before they share their faults and short comings. Hmmm..
Sorry you had to feel the sting of rejection so early, but God will bring you a woman who DESIRES to REALLY KNOW you inside and out , your heart and your thoughts the same way you want to know hers.
One day you and that woman will become one in every way God intended!!!!
I know this may sound a little strange to some but as far as God is concerned I don't have a past, and if he doesn't remember our past. What good does it do to drag up something God has buried. Gods word says if any man be in Christ old things have passed away all things have become new. I guess it's left up to the individual to share or not share, I'm remember my past very well how dirty and degrading it was can't see how someone knowing it would help anyone. I like to tell about the new life in Christ has made. God says to whom much is forgiven love much, that's why I can love much now because he has forgiven much and I do mean much, so when we see someone get saved no matter what they've done in the past it's under the blood. And if we keep remembering their past, even though they've gotten saved we're not putting him on trial. Were putting the blood of Jesus Christ on trial, and I can assure you there is no sin the blood doesn't take care off, I'll climb off my soapbox now Charlie T:waving:
I'm not an expert at giving advice but I feel she is wrong because she is judging you of your past. (JUDGE NOT, that ye be not judged; Matt. 7:1 KJ; DO NOT judge and criticize and condemn others, so that you may not be judged and critcized and condemned yourselves, AMP)
I turned to God four years ago and God cleansed me of all my wrong doing. Maybe this woman isn't for you. I don't know. How clean is her soul, her past?
I've had very bad experiences with men in my past and it started with my ex-husband. I learned that I can't keep blaming men. I know in my heart that God has the perfect mate for me and He has the perfect mate for you. Don't every be ashamed of your past and don't let anyone judge you because of it. God forgave you and that's all that matters.
Maybe God is opening your eyes and saying she is not for you. Turn this situation over to the Lord and thank Him for taking it. The truth will be revealed to you. (Matt. 7:7-8); (1 Cor. 10-16); (John 8:12); (John 8:32; 36: important verse).
I have so many other verses. The most important thing to remember is to follow the Lord and ask for His guidance and not your flesh. Maybe she is not worthy of your love.
I hope you find peace within yourself. Remember, God's love is unconditional. Nothing you do or have done is wrong in God's eyes. In God's eyes you ARE PERFECT.
