Hi. I would like to start a new thread today based on something that happened just recently. It stirred up a question that begs an answer.
I met a very nice lady on this site whom I consider very special and I still think she is. We happily shared a bit of our testimonies and then she shared somewhat of her past. So...I decided to share mine.
Her response was not very favourable...it was "too much too soon" as she put it. She openly admitted that it had bothered her because of issues in her previous marriage. She did thank me for being honest but felt such information would have been best for a later time.
I felt absolutely terrible, worthless, and condemned. I emailed her immediately and apologized for stirring up such painful memories in her and for chasing her away. A few days past and there was no response. So...I sent an email asking her if she still despised me and would it have made a difference to her if I had shared my past 6 months into a relationship. This was her response:
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"No, I do not despise you at all! You are my brother in Christ.
I have dated and visited with a lot of men in the past two years and have never had this type of discussion with any of them. It is good to share our past but at the right time and with the right people. It was not the right time for me and I ask you to honor that.
I do appreciate your desire to be honest and open and desire God's best for your life."
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Encouraged by this letter...I went to respond to it ...only to discover that I had been "BLOCKED" from sending private messages to her. Perhaps her actions spoke louder than her words.
I have shared my past with many on this site. I have never had this response. For the most part, it is my heartfelt desire that only the woman who is to be my wife would know everything about me. Yet I find, that in my desire to be completely open and transparent with someone whom I'm interested in ...that I want to share my past as she shares with me. Why?....because I want my wife to know everything about me...that there is no pretense,
So here's the question: When should one share their past? ...or should they?
It is obvious by this lady's response that it was "too much too soon". Yet her "Blocking" me sent an even louder message...that sharing my past 6 months later would also have been "too soon".
Someone had suggested do not share your past at all...it's all under the blood of Jesus anyways...so why drag it up? That is true...Yet I believe so strongly in intimacy and that the woman who has my "rib"... is part of me... and that she has a right to know. Now if I wait till our honeymoon to share my past only to discover that she would have never married me had she known...then I would be guilty of deception of the worst kind.
So...is there a wise woman or man among you who has an answer. If it was this painful to feel rejected so early in a relationship...how painful would it be for this same rejection to happen 6 months down the road or on your honeymoon? Is it better to share early or wait till she is madly in love with you ..and her love has blinded her to your faults?
You know what brother? I came across your posting by accident. I was looking at this woman from Texas and I was "too old" to send her a wink but I noticed these posts. Sharing your past is an issue for everyone that hasn't lived in a cave; especially people our age that came to adulthood in a time of massive drug experimentation and unbridled sex.
You did absolutely nothing wrong exposing yourself to that woman. If any wrong was done actually, it was you damaging yourself by allowing yourself to be so vulnerable to someone that you didn't know well enough. Other than that, the problem is all with her. There are very few (if any) women on here that are true Christians. I have experienced more than one anxious to send me revealing photos and talk about sex almost immediately. There are crippled broken humans on this site no less than on any other.
Some people, even on here, have some serious mental problems or neuroses and, even though they may be earnest Christians, are single for some of their own issues not just the "bad man" that they divorced.
It is a good thing to be able to be vulnerable and intimacy can never occur without that. But, for someone to reject you because you were vulnerable is all on her, not you!! I would just chalk it up to another broken human who is not capable of intimacy. Maybe it's not her fault but it definitely isn't yours. The way that she treated you is passive-aggressive and she is potentially someone full of anger looking for a whipping boy. Run, Thunderheart, run. Head for the sanctuary!! LOL!!
Ordinary Man....Thank-you Stephen for sharing your words of wisdom...worthwhile for all to read.
Heartwritten..."All I can say is there is no one who has had a perfect life."...so true.
Fifth Element...Thanks for your vote of confidence.
I should let everyone know that I hold nothing against this dear lady. Her reaction was simply a wake-up call for me to consider more carefully when one should share their past.
God bless all of you who participated in this forum.
oh well we have so diffrnt opinions..diffrent experiences..heartaches and pains, failures..and how we accepted the "harsh realities of life"..
And i really understand the situation of u and the girl..Oh well, it's better not to "question" why it happened coz u knw by ur heart..she's not the one for u..Life is like that, we also experienced some kind of "rejection"..We felt love/care and shared it to someone but this someone didnt love/care the way we wanted it to be..See? we got the point..oh yeah, it must be two process....the equation must be equal..
1 + 1 = 2...but in our mathematics of our lovelife...1+ 1???? =1? why only me...?got my point..we wanted to have equal share..FAIR SHARE!!!
see..??? so we think its unfair...oh yeah thats the truth,,and we must accept it..life is like that..we experienced some kind pf unfairness., or worst, if we looked at it as INJUSTICE..
oh well..if the girl never replied to u and even blocked u..
U MUST BE GLAD INSTEAD...:dancingp:
coz she's not deserve for ur love..
oh well, life is a never ending search for ...happiness...to be with someone we ought to love and love us back...
In our quest for love....always remember, in times we felt all alone and no one cares and loves us...let us remind ourselves..GOD loves us in the past, today and always..
Thank-you for all who shared in this forum. A great variety of views were expressed. I don't suppose there's one easy answer. Each relationship dictates its own demands. As some have said, they may have felt it was the right time to share their past only to find it was not. I guess we need to pray that God would give us wisdom in such matters.
I do believe that one should share their past. However, not every person is ready to hear it. The reason being is that they don't have a full understanding of transparency, or may not be ready for marriage. When a person knows what they want...no time is wasted. They want to know everything there is about that person because they are ready for that new chapter to begin in their life as soon as possible. We must be wise in this area...listen to the person, make sure that you both are on the same page before releasing such information. I hope I was of some help to you.
I was new to the site in July 2010 and just got through a divorce in March 2009.Thought I was ready for the dating world being married for 31 yrs.I found out soon that I was to open with a contact and left myself open for more hurt...Which I don't believe it was his intention..I do know I have used it as a learning experience and will have to be in for a long haul before I would be open to tell my past again to a person on a dating site, that I had never met.A person can be who ever they want to be on a computer.Hope this input was helpful....Donna
I would appreciate you even more if you shared right from the beginning about your past, It's always best to know right away. I am one who get attached very quickly and will begin to call by your "terms of endearment" pet names like, Hon, baby, etc. because I'm very passionate I would very much have heard your past before I began to call you Hon and babe. Hope she hadn't begun doing that before she heard of your past? Do not be discouraged.
