Hi. I would like to start a new thread today based on something that happened just recently. It stirred up a question that begs an answer.
I met a very nice lady on this site whom I consider very special and I still think she is. We happily shared a bit of our testimonies and then she shared somewhat of her past. So...I decided to share mine.
Her response was not very favourable...it was "too much too soon" as she put it. She openly admitted that it had bothered her because of issues in her previous marriage. She did thank me for being honest but felt such information would have been best for a later time.
I felt absolutely terrible, worthless, and condemned. I emailed her immediately and apologized for stirring up such painful memories in her and for chasing her away. A few days past and there was no response. So...I sent an email asking her if she still despised me and would it have made a difference to her if I had shared my past 6 months into a relationship. This was her response:
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"No, I do not despise you at all! You are my brother in Christ.
I have dated and visited with a lot of men in the past two years and have never had this type of discussion with any of them. It is good to share our past but at the right time and with the right people. It was not the right time for me and I ask you to honor that.
I do appreciate your desire to be honest and open and desire God's best for your life."
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Encouraged by this letter...I went to respond to it ...only to discover that I had been "BLOCKED" from sending private messages to her. Perhaps her actions spoke louder than her words.
I have shared my past with many on this site. I have never had this response. For the most part, it is my heartfelt desire that only the woman who is to be my wife would know everything about me. Yet I find, that in my desire to be completely open and transparent with someone whom I'm interested in ...that I want to share my past as she shares with me. Why?....because I want my wife to know everything about me...that there is no pretense,
So here's the question: When should one share their past? ...or should they?
It is obvious by this lady's response that it was "too much too soon". Yet her "Blocking" me sent an even louder message...that sharing my past 6 months later would also have been "too soon".
Someone had suggested do not share your past at all...it's all under the blood of Jesus anyways...so why drag it up? That is true...Yet I believe so strongly in intimacy and that the woman who has my "rib"... is part of me... and that she has a right to know. Now if I wait till our honeymoon to share my past only to discover that she would have never married me had she known...then I would be guilty of deception of the worst kind.
So...is there a wise woman or man among you who has an answer. If it was this painful to feel rejected so early in a relationship...how painful would it be for this same rejection to happen 6 months down the road or on your honeymoon? Is it better to share early or wait till she is madly in love with you ..and her love has blinded her to your faults?
I am a 42 year old woman , and I believe that ALL cards should be put on the table so-to-speak at the beginning! There should be nothing kept from anyone, unless you are not Christian and willing to admit your faults errors in judgement or past...These are all a part of you, and anyone who doesnt wand to hear it is obviously not comfortable enough "in their own skin" to do the same! Don't let that discourage you... there are alot of people , my self included that believe that being up front is a honorable thing to do!
I know my mom told me never to share my past. Im a lady that whatever you share with me I wouldnt let it affect me. Yes its the past, but past is part of us. That lady may have been hurt by the same type of person and couldnt bear going into another its hard to say. Personally I believe transparency is the best way. However not to many people seem to feel that way.
I share you concern because I too desire to be an open book. I think you are right in desiring to share your past with a woman.
I think there is timing involved. I have experienced similar rejection because I share too much too soon. What I have learned is that it may be better to share things such as your likes, dislikes, passions, tastes, your beliefs, your faith and other such things. As far as the personal issues or failures in your life I thing those things need to be doled out little by little.
It may be good to try to step into the lady's shoes for a bit. What might your reaction be if she laid a boat load of historical things from her life on you all at once.
I have learned the hard way that one needs to be especially careful when sharing things about your ex wife. Even though a man may have worked through all of the "issues" and has forgiven his wife it may not sound like it when you talk about these things in an email.
In my case my first wife was a very abusive mother and she is a borderline personality. These things are simply facts. However, I need to be very careful in bring them up. Though women will ask about one's previous marriage it can be a very sticky wicket.
What may seem to you as just facts may sound to her like you are still carrying baggage. I think it would be easier to relay information like this over the phone because you can at least get a feel for how she is responding and adjust your conversation accordingly. One cannot do that over email.
I am dealing with a situation right now. I just made contact with a woman on this site who I have come to like very much in the short time we have been communicating. She even told me how much she appreciates me being open with her. This was something she never got from her husband.
She told me some things about her marriage in a recent email. In my response I told her some things about my first wife. I didn't say much about our relationship specifically. I mostly talked about how much she abused our children as they were growing up and the damage that it did to them. I simply said that I wish I had been more aware of what was going on. Had I been I would have done things much differently.
It has now been a couple of days and there is no response. Maybe she has just been busy. Maybe I said too much too soon. I don't know yet. I surely hope I didn't blow it. This is the second time this has happened. I can tell you that in the future I will still be open but at the same time a little guarded until there is more of a comfort level between myself and the woman I am pursuing.
I share your frustration and your feeling of rejection that you experienced. That is no fun.
If one is sharing his or her past with a potential relationship it should be past not present. So many people do not let go of their past and in sharing it is evident to the person you are sharing it with you are still living it in your mind, even if it is really th past.
So, in sharing the past, besure you are through wit it and still not emotionally involved because it says you ae not yet ready for the present. If it i really past anyway, why bother bringing it up in the frst place to a total stranger? Better to seek professional help with the past and really not discuss your demons with strangers or a current spouse.
Who wants to be with someone who doesn't accept the reality and appreciate it as part of who that person has become. I'm for the open and truthful way, in the Lord
We are 'new creation' in Christ, so condemnation is not the problem. If something doesn't work, then that person is not a match. The one who is the right one is worth waiting for.
Learning about others helps us to understand ourselves.
oh, btw, some people are mean and some people are still damaged. Pray for them (and me, lol) and look up, for your redemdtion is drawing near :)
if u both feel good about the person u have met and it feels like this is someone u want to get closer to as far as starting a relationship with then u should be able to talk to them about anything in your past.because that is getting to knowing each other and I believe it is the fair thing to do,u should know if u really like that person in a month,so start to open up to them.being a true person of God is understanding.U have got to make sure the other person feels the same way about u and u both want to spend the rest of your life with each other or u just want to be close friends with this person and u want to tell them about yourself.maybe they r God sent to u for a reason,just to be your friend.
What comes to mind in reading your question is, white as snow for there is now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. What I have learned in the past 5 years of being single is that God had to do a work in me, to heal what was broken from my marriage. I had to be single and allow God to do a work in me so that I would not bring my old baggage into a new relationship. Who the Son sets Free is Free indeed. Refiners fire. I have been involved with womens in-depth studies, one awesome one was Breaking Free by Beth Moore. The only reason I would share my past would be to give God the glory or to help someone who is walking through similar trials, "Comfort those with the comfort you received". We all would do things different in Christ than our life before Christ but we don't get do overs. 2 years ago I lost my twin brother in a tragic accident, my heart was shattered. I had to let God stop the hemmoraging with His nail scarred hand. Standing on the truth and promises of His Word that He is close to the broken hearted and that the short time we spent together on earth is nothing compared to eternity together forever. I had to be still and Trust God through the pain before I could be ready to give my self to another. Maybe that lady did not allow God to do the work only He could do before she started dating. It is not fair to judge one another or make someone else pay the price for another persons sin or past. If led by the Holy Spirit you should know when or not the right time is. :rocknroll: For me I am an open book and I would rather someone know my past for them to decide if it is a deal breaker or not. If it is a deal breaker than they are not the right one for me. I refuse to be condemned by another when God has forgiven me. I like who I see in the mirror and am at peace with that. God bless
All I can say is... there is no one who has had a perfect life. I know how it feels to be ashamed or embarrassed by my past--a few things of my own doings, and a lot I was not responsible for. Either way, it's tough to open up to a "stranger".
If someone is a true, caring, and understanding person, they will take a look at their lives and realize they are all but perfect. They will also know they will never be able to find a perfect mate, without having baggage of some sort.
I try to be very open with a person very soon in the relationship. I have opened up with too much, too soon, as well. And I didn't hear back from the person. It felt horrible to be rejected, but I had to talk with God about it; and I now realize this man was not the one for me. He had never been married before, so it was hard for him to comprehend some of the things I was saying. Don't get me wrong, I only answered questions I was asked, and I answered them honestly. They just weren't the answers he wanted to hear.
I pray that God will help all of us to realize we cannot make someone care for us, and we shouldn't want anyone who doesn't want to accept us as we are. I have lived a life of rejection, but no more. I am only seeking God's will, nothing less.
So, Donark....How's your search going? Probably not so good since you do not respect others very well and that reflects on how you respect yourself. Be blessed.
