Hi. I would like to start a new thread today based on something that happened just recently. It stirred up a question that begs an answer.
I met a very nice lady on this site whom I consider very special and I still think she is. We happily shared a bit of our testimonies and then she shared somewhat of her past. So...I decided to share mine.
Her response was not very favourable...it was "too much too soon" as she put it. She openly admitted that it had bothered her because of issues in her previous marriage. She did thank me for being honest but felt such information would have been best for a later time.
I felt absolutely terrible, worthless, and condemned. I emailed her immediately and apologized for stirring up such painful memories in her and for chasing her away. A few days past and there was no response. So...I sent an email asking her if she still despised me and would it have made a difference to her if I had shared my past 6 months into a relationship. This was her response:
*************************************************
"No, I do not despise you at all! You are my brother in Christ.
I have dated and visited with a lot of men in the past two years and have never had this type of discussion with any of them. It is good to share our past but at the right time and with the right people. It was not the right time for me and I ask you to honor that.
I do appreciate your desire to be honest and open and desire God's best for your life."
*************************************************
Encouraged by this letter...I went to respond to it ...only to discover that I had been "BLOCKED" from sending private messages to her. Perhaps her actions spoke louder than her words.
I have shared my past with many on this site. I have never had this response. For the most part, it is my heartfelt desire that only the woman who is to be my wife would know everything about me. Yet I find, that in my desire to be completely open and transparent with someone whom I'm interested in ...that I want to share my past as she shares with me. Why?....because I want my wife to know everything about me...that there is no pretense,
So here's the question: When should one share their past? ...or should they?
It is obvious by this lady's response that it was "too much too soon". Yet her "Blocking" me sent an even louder message...that sharing my past 6 months later would also have been "too soon".
Someone had suggested do not share your past at all...it's all under the blood of Jesus anyways...so why drag it up? That is true...Yet I believe so strongly in intimacy and that the woman who has my "rib"... is part of me... and that she has a right to know. Now if I wait till our honeymoon to share my past only to discover that she would have never married me had she known...then I would be guilty of deception of the worst kind.
So...is there a wise woman or man among you who has an answer. If it was this painful to feel rejected so early in a relationship...how painful would it be for this same rejection to happen 6 months down the road or on your honeymoon? Is it better to share early or wait till she is madly in love with you ..and her love has blinded her to your faults?
the heart is the well spring of life...so it should be guarded closely. I believe is sharing your past at the right time. I believe this...the first month is infatuations, second month excitement, third month is where the rubber meets the road and tough questions have to be asked. However, this is all dependent on open communications and transparency.
I would suggest if your able to do the study of Song of Solomon. It teaches how to date, pursue, courtship, engagement and finally marriage.
I have learned if a woman in dating is critical and judgmental of your past...you just got a taste of hell before your even marry her. This is a quote from Tommy Nelson who created the bible study Song of Solomon.
As a fellow brother in Christ, I would wait 3 to 6 months before sharing my past...see her fruits of the spirit, her walk with God and to really know her character. Some individuals thrive on drama and want to know everyone elses business. But fail to know our heart and where we are in Christ.
This is what I look for in a Godly woman - does she want to know my heart for God or my past...she can only have one upfront...simple litmus test at least for me.
Seems to me that everybody has a point worth taking here!
From my limited experiences so far with on-line dating, I feel people error on the side of crossing boundaries too soon than they are on the side of waiting too long.
I think it's reasonable to expect that most things that would be difficult for a person to hear should be shared FACE TO FACE. (Until then, have you really formed trust in the relationship?)
Phone calls and e-mail do not a relationship make. They are merely a helpful screening device to help us determine who might be worth meeting FACE TO FACE. Are these "deal breaker" issues? If they are, just please put them in your profile, and then others will know to weed THEMSELVES out. In fact, E-Harmony requires members to share their "Musts Haves and Can't Stands, and I guess I think that is one of their better features. (Did I just type the E Word?)
I've had phone calls from men I hardly know at all who seem to be "interviewing" me for the position of future wife; I've been peppered with very personal questions one after another with no apparent connection. They are usually NOT terribly anxious to volunteer the same information; and I'm not anxious to ask for it!
Frankly I'm left wondering, "How many strangers do I really want knowing about the most heart breaking parts of my personal life? I don't even share these things with close members of my church family!"
I wish I had the guts or nerve or whatever it takes to say, "Wouldn't you rather hear about the time I grilled pork chops for a hundred soldiers in the dark?"
I do think that when two people have agreed to exclusive communication; that's the time to come clean with anything you're still dealing with that someone else might share with them before you do!
I really like your response and also the girl who follows you (angel I think).. I can't imagine that having been living on the street at one time would be a "deal" breaker.. We are all sinners.. and only by God's grace did we emerge from being dead in our sins, whatever they were..
In Christ we are no longer condemned.. praise God.. but I totally agree that there has to be a trust established first.. God will lead if we follow.. but honesty and communication are number one in any lasting relationship..
I have run someone off by sharing my testimony. They asked for it. I had waited months forthis person to correspond with me. We missed IM's continuously. I happily agreed to share my testimony. I asked for his as well. I shared and I have not heard his testimony. Nor have I recieved a response back. He is a Senior Pastor.I think it disrespectful for ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSE Whatsoever!
I decided to start offering to exchange testimonies with others that had an interst in me and those that I had an interst in. So far it has been a positive experience.I have recieved a response EVERY time since. However, I find others NOT so willing to share. My testimony has been greatly recieved.
I have my testimony in word document. It is quite easier for me.
I feel that exchanging testimonies is an intimate and beautiful thing!
The past may stay with God,if you choose. That is who it is between, you and God. BE SURE! to ask yourself.....Does ANY part of the past affect the present and future? ANY part? Then decide what to do. If it affects now and later, BY ALL MEANS SHARE!!!!!!
When is the right time? I would guess that if the person is new to the dating site you may want to SENSE it out and perhaps wait, until that person is ready to sahre their testimony.
I agree with what someone once wrote, "If they don't have a testimony, run."
I thought about this question and I believe it is only when you know that things are becoming more intimate that you should share you past, but only if the subject allows and if in someway it is going to help someone. Some how I think we get caught up in the idea that we need to be transparent. I don't think it is necessary. I have done so in the past myself and found that it can come back to bite you.
When a woman opens up it is not always a similar response she is looking for. This is where I think you made your mistake. She, the friend, was looking for empathy, understanding, and comfort. She wanted more for you to listen than respond with your own past. Thin line I know, but it is for you to deduce when and when not.
By sharing your past she may have felt you weren't really hearing her and considering her at all. That you turned what she hoped as an understanding, into a you thing and not a her thing. I hope you get my meaning. I believe it is not so hard to know when. Just trust God and know she was not the right one for you if that was her response. If she cared for you at all she would have been able to talk to you sincerely about it and not cut you off so abruptly. I also believe that not everything is meant to be shared.. God has his time and place for all things. Trust him to guide you.
Wow..Its all about her..not you she needs to make peace with herself and her past and I think she was not ready to meet other people.So before she goes on dates she should do her homeowork.. Its all about openenss in relatiionships..
Please do not feel condemed..lets just pray for her that she might be free and free indeed as the word of God says...
and you will be just fine God is going to send you your helper..........
Hi this is my opinion regarding sharing my past with people I just met. I lived a live of sin most of my life, surrounded by sin everywhere, but at the time I didn't think about it as a sin, it was everywhere it was normal to me that much we've lost our sensitivity towards sin I destroyed my life by my own choices, and yes I will talk about those choices and how lost and blind I was before God came into my life, before I received the Lord Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I believe most of us fall into immorality one way or another, we don't have to look at other peoples lives to compare and realize that we're really far off from God's standards when it comes to immoral behaviour. It's my testimony and I will share it, the Lord has blessed me with wisdom
and I consider that I ought to make people see how much the devil lie to us how much he deceive us and destroy our lives, how often the enemy make us see that what is wrong is wright and what is wright is wrong. Thank You Jesus for loving us so much.
