Hi. I would like to start a new thread today based on something that happened just recently. It stirred up a question that begs an answer.
I met a very nice lady on this site whom I consider very special and I still think she is. We happily shared a bit of our testimonies and then she shared somewhat of her past. So...I decided to share mine.
Her response was not very favourable...it was "too much too soon" as she put it. She openly admitted that it had bothered her because of issues in her previous marriage. She did thank me for being honest but felt such information would have been best for a later time.
I felt absolutely terrible, worthless, and condemned. I emailed her immediately and apologized for stirring up such painful memories in her and for chasing her away. A few days past and there was no response. So...I sent an email asking her if she still despised me and would it have made a difference to her if I had shared my past 6 months into a relationship. This was her response:
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"No, I do not despise you at all! You are my brother in Christ.
I have dated and visited with a lot of men in the past two years and have never had this type of discussion with any of them. It is good to share our past but at the right time and with the right people. It was not the right time for me and I ask you to honor that.
I do appreciate your desire to be honest and open and desire God's best for your life."
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Encouraged by this letter...I went to respond to it ...only to discover that I had been "BLOCKED" from sending private messages to her. Perhaps her actions spoke louder than her words.
I have shared my past with many on this site. I have never had this response. For the most part, it is my heartfelt desire that only the woman who is to be my wife would know everything about me. Yet I find, that in my desire to be completely open and transparent with someone whom I'm interested in ...that I want to share my past as she shares with me. Why?....because I want my wife to know everything about me...that there is no pretense,
So here's the question: When should one share their past? ...or should they?
It is obvious by this lady's response that it was "too much too soon". Yet her "Blocking" me sent an even louder message...that sharing my past 6 months later would also have been "too soon".
Someone had suggested do not share your past at all...it's all under the blood of Jesus anyways...so why drag it up? That is true...Yet I believe so strongly in intimacy and that the woman who has my "rib"... is part of me... and that she has a right to know. Now if I wait till our honeymoon to share my past only to discover that she would have never married me had she known...then I would be guilty of deception of the worst kind.
So...is there a wise woman or man among you who has an answer. If it was this painful to feel rejected so early in a relationship...how painful would it be for this same rejection to happen 6 months down the road or on your honeymoon? Is it better to share early or wait till she is madly in love with you ..and her love has blinded her to your faults?
The answer to your question is so simple, but you are getting in your own way. You are relying on when you think is the right time to disclose your past. If you rely on him and she is your intended by God, your past isn't going to matter. In fact she will rejoice is your strength and ability to depend and lean on Jesus now.
friend share... not just to share, not just to spill the past, not just to make sure the cards are all on the table..
but to share..as subjects come up.. just like friends do... in order and in the timing of the friendship.
If the conversation turns to subject matters that bring something up then you share in turn..
if it doesn't why throw it in..?
trust me if you are taking your time getting to know someone NATURALLY then everything will be known in due time since God is orchestrating the honesty, integrity and trust between the two..
if God's not in it, and WE are trying on our own to get to know someone or to tell someone something about us to move things along or whatever then it's US doing it not Him.
He is almighty and powerful and wise.. He can bring things up in a conversation without us even trying..
it's all about discretion and honesty...
discretion takes time to speak.. and honesty speaks truth when it's time..
then if a RED FLAG (something that bothers you) appears you take note ...and discuss it if it's important..
if more than one red flag appears then let that person know in a kind and loving manner (if you feel your friendship getting closer) that you may not be a love match for one another...and accept it as just friends always and no more..or just keep it as friends always and don't get closer..
I don't think anyone on here should immediately consider someone a romantic interest until the right time..
and it might take months for that to happen..
then.. it will all work out correctly and the timing will be right..
and feelings will not be hurt.
do not go into these "friendships" expecting anything BUT friendship.. and trust and honesty and intimacy will happen when it's supposed to.
apparently both you and this lady tried to get too close too soon.. you by laying all your cards on the table because you felt you should at that point (don't know how long you even talked) and her by shutting you ..
why would you block someone who is a brother in christ..
another thing is we can get too clingy as well.
if we note someone isn't "into us" and only responds to us now and again or only writes to us once in awhile..
then we need to realize they are done..and move on..
Men should only pursue someone who they know God wants them to pursue and use wisdom to do so..
and women should allow themselves to be pursued and not beg a man to give her attention..
don't assume romantic relationships until a long time has passed..
that way information comes out as it should..in the right time in the right manner and with the right intent.
If we spill too soon we are spilling cause we think we have to.. if we don't spill at all we are holding truth back..
let it naturally flow and God if He is in it, will open doors for the two of you to share what is meant to be shared in the right timing..
she obviously thought of you as a romantic interest and wasn't interested once you shared..(thus her blocking you instead of just being your christian bud)
not everyone is a love match..and she wasn't yours.
at the same time we can't chase something that isn't ours...
you can tell if someone wants to just be friends or if someone is into you for more...
but to get that involved with someone really soon is careless..
