I want to start a new thread today based on something that happened recently. It is becoming so common place on this site, that I think it's worth addressing. And that is: "RUDE BEHAVIOUR."
Perhaps you have been a victim. Or perhaps you have been guilty of it. Let us examine it.
A couple of days ago I sent a polite email to someone who was new on this site. I always welcome them and ask if they have a testimony to share of how they came to Christ and would they like mine. I sent it off and to my surprise, it was instantly read. There was no immediate response... which is not unusual. I checked the next day and there was still nothing.
"They must be shy," I thought. I wrote a poem ... talking about the virtues of Christ inside of us being a hidden treasure. I sent it off and again instantly she read it. However, as before, there was no response. "That's strange," I thought. Why would someone read your email instantly as soon as it arrived but not respond? What did I do or say that could have possibly caused her not to respond?
I sent a third email. This one was completely ignored. Now I have to confess. I have had my emails ignored before...but none made me as offended as this lady's actions( or lack thereof). For two days, I did nothing, till finally I could not hold back. I sent the following email not knowing if she would ever read it. I prayed that she would:
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It is never wrong to be courteous
Message : ...No...I'm not a stalker, a scammer, a bug-a boo, or someone who just fell off the planet. However, whether you know it or not, I felt that way. Your silence is more painful than a courteous... "I'm not interested." I know these dating sites are full of strange people and you may have been a victim to such abuse.
Yet, for the most part, there are real Christian men on this site who have feelings just like you. And just as you would want them to be courteous to you, they desire the same treatment.
Just to let you know, I'm not in the least bit interested in dialoguing with you if you're not like minded. There are a lot of nice Christian ladies who write me that I do not consider as a future mate. Yet as a believer in Christ, I treat them with the respect that a child of God deserves. I do not ignore them as if they do not exist. We represent Jesus Christ to the world and to each other. Let us behave in such a way...so as to glorify our Saviour.
Blessings,
Paul
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Believe it or not...she did read it... even though she never read the previous email. This was her only response... the site's computer generated answer: "Sorry, I dont think we would make a good match." Then she promptly took herself off the site.
WOW... from RUDE to SPITE... and that was someone who calls themself a Christian... who claims to love Jesus with all their heart.
Now contrast that please to another lady who politely sent this response to my email only one day later:
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Paul,
Thanks for replying, but we live too far apart. I wish you the best of luck!!!
Take care,
Chris
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I got the message loud and clear of "no interest" without being offended. It was personal (not computer generated ) and signed. I was so delighted in receiving it that I sent this response:
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Thanks Chris for taking the time to reply
Message : And thank you for being courteous enough to reply.
Blessings,
Paul
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I have had many ladies respond to my emails with gratefulness that I even wrote them back... citing how rude they had been treated by guys who simply ignore ther email.
I know there are lots of weirdos and kooks on this site whose only recourse you have to their harrassment is to ignore or "Block" them. I understand that. But that does not excuse you for behaving rudely towards a legitimate brother or sister in Christ. For the way you treat them is the way you are treating Jesus. It costs you nothing to be courteous.
Remember...there are people behind those emails. They are not blimps on your radar screen. They have feelings just like you. Treat them with the respect that a child of God deserves. Ignoring them is RUDE. Computer generated answers is RUDE. Blocking them for no good reason is also RUDE.
dear really, hey bro i feel ya... it does happen..
althought i think you made a pretty good move with the nice first email and then the poem you made.. that was a nice toutch man..
sometimes maybe the womans taken her time to pray for discernment on a situation.. and may not answer back right away.. sometimes folks are really busy and only have time to read your email and then wanted to wait till they had time to write you a very good email..
thats where patience comes into play.. if you rush a woman shes gonna back up or out.. id write once then wait awhile and then write again and if that doesnt get a responce id move on and forget it.. she may respond in time or not..
one never knows what a persons been put through on a site before or not... like you said.. ya know?
in your case here i believe the lady just wasnt ready to meet anyone yet, thats why she left the site.. she maybe wasnt prepared to have to turn anyone down and all.. sometimes folks think theyre ready and then find out they aint once on the site.. or she could had found someone already.. and didnt find it proper to answer another..
was it rude, maybe so , that would depend on her reasoning id say.. just my thoughts though...
one other thought by writing her again and confronting her that she was rude ,if she had any lady friends here as most do ,you can bet she wrote them and let them know about that..
lots of times its just best to let summin like that be...
I am sorry that you had to experience what seemed to have been rudeness and a lack of common courtesy.
There are many people from many backgrounds and many experiences as well as many who have walked away from previous relationships with many past hurts. Injured and still bruised. Some are still dealing with issues of rejection as well as the fear of being deceived.
Others are for the first time in their lives signing up for a dating website without any previous experience, and may feel very much intimidated. It is hard for some people to take into consideration that there is an actual warm blooded person behind the pictures. My experience here has been fairly positive, I have to admit however that there have been times that rather than responding to an email to hastily I have taken the time to pray and ask the Lord for direction. Nevertheless I answer as quickly as possible in order to at least acknowledge receipt of the email. It doesn't take much to exercise common courtesy. Even in a secular work environment it is customary to respond to an email within 24 hrs at least.
Keeping all these things in mind I have opted to practice Grace towards those that don't answer immediately even though they have read my email. As a believer in Christ I believe that we ought to strive to do everything with the utmost excellence keeping in mind that we are all at different levels in our lives. Also, we must remember that our Lord is the one who is in control of divinely connecting us with those or the one he has chosen for us. Therefore lets thank Him for all things knowing that All things work together for good to those that Love the Lord!!!
I think people get scared. I also think it's hard for some people to "see" that there are real people behind this internet wall. I also think that people act on there own past experiences. But having said all that, would you treat people any differently on an internet site than if you met them in an office, a store, a bank, etc? Regardless, people deserve to be treated respectfully, and hopefully with kindness. We are christians and Jesus has told us how we are to treat one another. "Love your neighbor as yourself".
BUT one time I was looking at my matches and saw someone who was a pastor with a church in a nearby city to where I live. In his profile it mentioned something that I am very much into. All I did, was ask this person where his church was and he didnt respond. Okay, I wasnt looking for a date, in fact, I was not interested in him, only interested in a little conversation maybe. He didnt respond. Then I started getting offended because my motives were pure.
I did email him and tell him that as a pastor, he should be more cautious with the feelings of others.
What i wanted to say was: As a pastor, you should practice loving others with the love of God. What if I wanted to know where you church was because I needed to go there for prayer.
Seriously, people dont think.
Since that happened to me, I always respond to my emails. I dont want to hurt anyone. To say the least, it taught me a lesson. I look at everyone that emails me as a potential life long friend or prayer partner.
I know all about scams, I seem to be a target for them, haha. That doesnt keep me from responding, usually the scammers quit when I give them a prophetic word from the Lord.
Anyway, yes it happens to everyone but guess what? We have to know thatusually has nothing to do with us, it's their own issues, especially if our motives are pure.
My Dear Brother, I have been single a long time now, and from all I have have observed, I honestly have to say that my experiences online have been far, far from normal, average or even kind and considerate. Rude behavior tends to run amok online, and it saddens me to say that for I wish it was anything but true.
There is a bright side to it however, I am always glad for the early revelation into just what kind of person they really are, for many people carry on their facade till after the vows and then you start to find out about all the things they should have been honest about before you joined forces.
I like to think of it as the Lord showing me that this is someone I don't need to waste time with. I figure it is in the nature of a dog to bite you if you invade his territory and terrify him. I figure it is in the nature of a starving person to steal for food. Sometimes when people behave according to their nature, sometimes all you can do is smile and walk away and be glad it's not your problem to straighten out.
That is how I look at people that behave badly toward me online. You cannot expect people to behave better when they have no idea what they do to their very soul when they act this way toward another.
I am really big on respect, so I understand where you are coming from on this.
A few things �pop� out to me in your post and I want to present a different response to you.
When your initial e-mail was not responded to�.why would you not �accept� that as a sign of no interest and leave it at that? If you really thought that they were �shy� -- did you believe that by your�walking up to their door and knocking again they would be cured of their shyness?
Your Second e-mail was read, but was also unanswered and I can understand your reasoning behind your second attempt, but I would imagine that two no�s or no responses (no matter how polite or impolite) would be enough to just leave her alone? As it�s been pointed out here in people's responses � there are various reasons why (women especially) people respond the way they do.
Again, your response to two very obvious no�s was a Third e-mail. If she had read that third response to her no�s � I would have questioned Her motives � but she responded as I would expect most women that probably get a lot of e-mails, would respond.
Paul, people are as different as the grains of sand on the beaches of this world and their responses are just as diverse.
I also want to point out what you said about having your e-mails ignored before, so this is not an isolated incident and you alluded to being upset over some of those earlier rejections � (�� but none made me as offended��). It seems to me that this is an ongoing thing with you and it will not be the last time.
When you �welcome� every newcomer to this site (is that the men too, because I didn�t get one?) you have to admit � that is a lot of opportunities for �no�s� and you may need to develop a �thicker� skin.
But the really �telling� part of your post is that you E-mailed her Again! (a FOURTH time) This time she read it (I�m sure hoping you or your mother or guardian was apologizing for the incessant behavior) and This Time She Did Response with what you have admitted is a courteous response and you still feel offend.
Now this poor woman is no longer on this site and might never ever again try something like this and you are asking people to agree with you and add their sympathy? Do you answer every piece of mail that lands in your mailbox at home? Do you understand that 3 no�s mean �Please stop!�? Paul, reevaluate your reality. I feel that two un-responded e-mails is enough and should be respected. Just my opinion.
Thank you for your response and you certainly gave room for evaluation on my part.
You asked some pointed questions that deserve an answer:
"When your initial e-mail was not responded to�.why would you not �accept� that as a sign of no interest and leave it at that?"...that's just it... I did not know that they were not interested. When I sent the first email...it was read immediately by them. And I do mean immediately. But it was late in the hour and I did not expect a response... though it would have been nice.
"If you really thought that they were �shy� -- did you believe that by your�walking up to their door and knocking again they would be cured of their shyness?"...yes... I did. I've been on this site for over a year and have had many great relationships with ladies after knocking on their door more than once. When I sent the second email... again, it was read IMMEDIATELY. This is what led me to believe that she was interested. I may be wrong in my interpretation here, but why would you read an email immediately upon it arriving in your inbox, as if waiting for it... if you were not interested?
"Again, your response to two very obvious no�s was a Third e-mail. If she had read that third response to her no�s � I would have questioned Her motives � but she responded as I would expect most women that probably get a lot of e-mails, would respond." ...again as I have explained by her immediately reading the emails... I thought there must be interest.
"Paul, people are as different as the grains of sand on the beaches of this world and their responses are just as diverse."...I agree with you on this... but is a rude response a valid response?
"I also want to point out what you said about having your e-mails ignored before, so this is not an isolated incident and you alluded to being upset over some of those earlier rejections � (�� but none made me as offended��). It seems to me that this is an ongoing thing with you and it will not be the last time." ... yes... but none offended me quite like this one... which prompted this thread.
"you may need to develop a �thicker� skin."...at this rate... my skin should as thick as a Rhino by now. But again... our we meant to be so calloused so as to excuse rude behaviour?
"But the really �telling� part of your post is that you E-mailed her Again! (a FOURTH time)"... yes... by this time I was angry and sent her that letter of rebuke. The interesting thing about this email is that she read it and ignored the previous one.
"This Time She Did Response with what you have admitted is a courteous response and you still feel offend."... sorry... you misread that. I did not say the computer generated reply was a courteous reply... it was spiteful and rude.
"Now this poor woman is no longer on this site and might never ever again try something like this and you are asking people to agree with you and add their sympathy?"... Firstly....the woman is not poor...but rude. And secondly, she sent the computer generated response in SPITE.
And thirdly, the purpose of this thread was not because I was in dire need of sympathy. It was simply to point out rude behaviour. And unfortunately, Christians are guilty of it all the time, and somehow justify themselves when on a dating site since the internet is the medium. There is this sense of unaccountability. But as believers in the Lord Jesus Christ, we must heed carefully what He said. "Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to ME." Matthew 25:40. The way we treat other brothers and sisters in Christ is the way we treat Jesus.
Do I answer all the emails that are sent to my inbox on this site?...YES. It is out of respect for that other person who took the time to write that I respond.
Do I send welcomes to the men on this site? Well my friend, I am not on this site looking to get married to a man... therefore, I do not send them welcome messages. However, you are welcome to converse with me any time you like.:rocknroll:
Thank you again for taking the time to share your thoughts.
