First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking.
And second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual basis before it's made on an emotional one.
What about love? Shouldn't that be the third, you ask. No, and I'll tell you why. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jer. 17:9). The heart is willful and is driven by its own agenda. It does not consider things rationally and intelligently--it just loves to love! Therefore, you have to point it in the right directions; Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life; (Prov. 4:23).
Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from God, check out his attributes, and then allow your heart to engage. Dating exists not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe that the biblical design would be friendship, courtship, and then marriage.
Friendship is two people walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing together. Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another exclusively--it is the decisive turning toward the agreed-upon goal of the marriage altar. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life together after marriage.
But dating? Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to gather facts:
1. Check out the fabric. Is the person mate material? Does this man have an intimate relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ? Does he care what God thinks about his behavior? Is he accountable to God as well as another co-laborer in the faith?
Accountability is an important factor. It is imperative to maintaining a committed relationship. Is your potential spouse a member of the same family--the family of God?
Scripture is clear on this: Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness; (2 Cor. 6:14). You need to have common interests and values and agree on the essentials of living day to day.
You have a similar spiritual walk. You eat the same spiritual diet. You enjoy a lot of similar things. You have like interests, like goals in life, like opinions on basic life issues. You have had like experiences in your background. Though there is some truth to the idiom that opposites attract, like-minded folks fare better together. Furthermore, does he want to get married? If you want to be married and your dreamboat isn't interested, don't waste your time. Remember, women fall in love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously. If he's not going in your direction, get off the bus and wait for the right one.
2. Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for you will pursue you, and God's hand in the relationship will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord; (Prov. 18:22). Note--who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time, God has transported me n and women across the world in order to put them together. At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and he will find you. In God's perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam had no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib.
You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy out because he's shy! Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested.
Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it; We love him because He first loved us" (1 Jn 4:19). Until then, take the ultimate chill pill. You don't need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself. You need only one man--your man, the one God has selected to select you. And trust me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust God's timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again,--WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you--this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow.
They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship.
3. The man in your life should not desire to move into your house, only into your heart. A man who prepares for your future has made his intentions clear. A man who is husband material has the means to take care of a wife. He is a responsible human being who understands he needs to have something to offer. In short, a man should have the means to be a suitable lover for you.
4. Check out his buddies. Everyone knows birds of the same feather flock together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a man and his friends. A man's pals tell you a lot about the person that you haven't seen yet. They reveal things about the guy's character that might be hidden when he is on good behavior. Everyone knows how to put his best foot forward. Don't stay focused on the foot, check out the rest of the body!
5. Check out his relationship wit h his mother. How does he treat her? This is your preview of how he will treat you. There are lots of men who, because of a negative relationship with their mothers, really don't like women, yet say they do. Unresolved issues between mother and son continue between husband and wife.
6. Remember that a man's family reveals the cloth from which he's cut. Take note and decide whether you want your future with the man in your life to look like his present family situation.
7. Check out the patterns of his life. Do you see repeated cycles of drama in his personal kingdom? broken relationships? problems in making commitments? including the job market? mood swings? Is a problem always someone else's fault? Does he embrace responsibility or shirk it? Does he keep his promises? Is he a man of good reputation? Remember all garments look wonderful hanging in the store, but with wear, some begin to unravel. Give yourself time and space to check out the man in your life. Time will always reveal whether or not he is made of the right stuff.
8. Does this man have a vision for his life? Is he running with that vision? Remember, God decided Adam needed help once Adam got busy DOING his assignment. As we saw Adam, a man doesn't need help until he is busy doing what he was created and called to do. Is the man in your life guided by sense of destiny and purpose, or does he just allow life to happen around him? A man who is not certain of his mission can be a most miserable person--and you'll be miserable too if you know where YOU want to go in life. A man who has vision is not intimidated by a woman whose mission statement is clear. He will be your best ally, cheerleader and assistant because he wants you both to make it! A man who cannot be supportive of your achievements because he is floundering in a sea of uncertainty over his own life is not a healthy partner to have and to hold forever. Creating dependencies or feelings of obligation is not the way to get the best out of your man. Somewhere along the way, he will resent you and flee from the smothering burden of obligation he associates you with. You want a man who is firmly anchored in his identity in Christ. Remember, we are looking for a man who will be priest and leader in his home. His first instinct should be to want to cover you, redeem you, and provide for you. Your job is to decide if this is the man God has ordained for you to complement.
9. Complementarily. Do your talents and gifts complement his? Do his gifts complement yours? What about your temperaments? Do you see the two of you as an effective team capable of bringing blessing to the lives of those around you? Do your futures mesh? Can you coordinate your gifts in an attractive and effective way? This is why knowing your purpose is so important. Make sure your hearts beat for mutual causes. When I go shopping I always consider the fabric, the fit and what I already have in my closet. Will my next purchase be a complementary addition to what I already have? If I find that I am going to have to buy shoes and matching accessories to go with a new outfit, I leave it right on the rack. It is too expensive a proposition. If the man you meet makes you feel that you need to completely reinvent yourself, something is wrong. This is where I ask you to consider the relationship in terms of cost. Is this relationship expensive spiritually, emotionally, or physically? Does your longing for a mate make you willing to forfeit who you are in the process? Or does he see you as the gift that you are? The man in your life should consider you as a rare find, a priceless jewel--because of you he is getting ready to get blessed big-time! Any relationship that causes you to feel unworthy, unlovely, unacceptable, undesirable, or that you have to work for love, is too expensive! God has called the man to cover, protect, and provide not only materially for a woman, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You should be richer in mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams. The man in your life should make rich deposits into your heart and spirit, not withdrawals.
10. Does he have a healthy love & acceptance of himself? Make sure the man in your life has taken time to heal from past relationships and has made peace with himself. How he cares for himself is how he will care for you. A man's relationship with God is crucial here. His love for himself will only be as strong as his love for God. This is not something that you can impart. You cannot be his savior or teacher. That is out of spiritual order. In his rightful place as your personal priest, he should be leading you to a richer relationship with Christ. If he is causing you to compromise your faith and destabilize your walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or causing you to be distracted from your commitment to Christ, the relationship is too expensive. Offending the Lover of your soul, who promises you eternal love, is too high a fare to pay for a ride that has a limited run. If you and your man can't soar in the Spirit, when the force of your love for another is tested by the pull or gravity of the world, your union will not be able to survive. So you decide. How much is your life worth? How much is your love worth? You will be able to accept only what you believe you deserve. God Himself calculated the worth of your love and decided it was worth His life. He now pledges you His love for eternity. Yes, Jesus sets the example for all others to follow when He paid a ransom for His bride. Should you expect less from a mortal man?
Throughout the Biblical age, men were willing to pay the cost for the hand that they desired. The truth of the matter is, everyone knows that anything worth having, costs. And no one gets a ride in this life for free.
Our Prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father, I confess that I have not always been as careful as I should've been with my heart. From time to time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands. I now commit my heart into Your hands for safekeeping. Please help me to stop being so impulsive with what you deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your love for me, let me learn from Your example what a bridegroom should really be like. Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me. As I embrace You as the Lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart. As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach me. I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast the men I meet according to what I see.
Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on my own understanding. I know that You know what is best for me; therefore I yield to Your choice.
Dear Sister, After reading what you wrote....I cried . I always thought I had what it took to make someone happy. I love the lord with all my heart and i know that we should be led by him for our mate. I futher realize that I should prepare for her....But until now I was always led by their looks....which is foolish. Anyone knows that REAL BEAUTY comes from within. i've been so foolish....Jesus can you please forgive me for being so self centered, I'm sorry ! Sister thanks for helping others as you have helped me. God bless!
I personally think that the only way you can tell if someone's the right one for you is to ask yourself these things:
1. Does he/she understand your values, ethics and morals and is willing to accept them, more importantly does he/she have the same morals, values and ethics?
2. Does he/she accept your views and values on things and does not force you to do something that you both know is wrong, and vice versa?
3. Is he/she willing to be with only you and give himself/herself to you and by this I mean, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and sexually/physically faithful to only you, the way that God intended it to be, and vice versa?
4. Is he/she willing to understand the importance of God in your life and is willing to accept the fact that God and living according to His plan for your life comes first before anything and everything else comes secondary to that, and vice versa?
5. Do you believe in your heart that he/she is the one that God chose for you to be with for the rest of your life?
If you can answer yes to any and all of these questions, then he/she may be the right one for you and you found the one that God intended for you to be with.:) May God Bless you always and Always put God first in everything you do because you won't regret it when you do.:)
You are a very wise woman. I must say thank you, I learned so much from what you wrote, and at a time that I needed to here from God. Glad I was listening, He often tells me things through other people.
In as much as your post make plenty of sense. Do we question God? Aren't we suppose to have a devoted and complete relationship with the Lord prior to anythng else here on earth?
All the things you have listed are motivated by emotions. Our capacity for loneliness make us jump to irrational conclusions and puts us in situtaions where we may regret them later. The list you present would do well on a secular site, those not guided by the Holy Spirit, not trusting of God.
If we are introduced to someone who would be a potential lifetime companion wouldn't it be easier to pray for guidance from God?
It is interesting that the bible doesn't tell us what to look for when chosing a mate, but there are many passages that guide us after we form a personal bonding. What it does tell us is how we are suppose to present ourselves, how we are to mold our character respectful to the world and the Lord. I believe an earthy relationship is a God given blessing, one worth the wait. While we are waiting we are to build ourselves into being the Lord's blessing to someone else. Develop our gifts, obtain knowledge and wisdom. Why would the Lord put two strong individuals together? There is no room for growth, no one to be the leader.
We are to compliment eachother in the relationship, our strength is the other's weakness. One may have the capacity and the drive to provide for the relationship while the other has the wisdom to distribute the funds. Then you have Proverbs 31, which show how a woman could be the strong companion.
For those who are prone to dating, your presentation is a good outline for experimentation. But for those wanting an earthly companionship, go along with your feelings first, let the Holy Spirit move you. Then pray to the Lord for guidance and if it still feels right go with it. Be that blessing for another. Trust yourself as you trust the Lord.
Thank you for the wealth of wisdom you've revealed in this forum. I only wish half of the women I have attempted to converse with on these type of sites were aware of the beautiful purpose our Father in heaven has for the marriage relationship. It truly holds the greatest potential to display the sacrificial, redemptive nature of Christs relationship with the church. I don't believe any of us will ever grow into a realization of our true potential (individually or as a couple) until our vision of what the Lord has for us is appreciated & cherished. I would like your permission to share what you've written with those I minister to as well as any prospective partners I hope to encounter. I'm not sure how far we are from each other or how practical it might be to form a mutually edifing connection, but you have most certinally got my attention. I am about 50 miles north of Chicago (right on the Lake). I've been a Christian for almost 24 years & have had steady growth in both my personal relationships & evangelistic outreach. Drop me a response & let me know about yourself. How long have you known the Lord, how long has it been since your last relationship & what disappointed you most about it? Are you a published author & if not, would you like to be? I would.
Very interesting ideas here.......................................... Sister, as a man I can honestly say that you are almost completely correct in your list . There are a few over generalizations, but over all very good insight. The Major thing that is important to understand that the wife is the help-mate for the man. The woman's movement was needed but with most things has gone too far in the other extreme. Far to often I hear of women who are waiting for the man God has for them. You made this same mistake in inference a couple of times too. You should be waiting for the man whom God is preparing you for. Big Difference. Another thing is that woman of times past came with a DOWRY, a word most women don't know anything about. Now to add to your previous excellent points....When you study the Greek basis of the words for love, is that God (through Paul) never tells the woman to agape her husband, but to phileo him. The man is the one who is always commanded to agape. I am sure you know the differences of those Greek words in addition to storgos(sp) and eros. Another English word translated comes from four Greek ones is son..Pieis...infant, Piedeon......toddler, Technon.......teenager,Huios....manifest adult son....take these four and reread your New Testament and you will find great differences. A good example:To as many received him, to them that believe on his name, to them gave he the power to become the sons of God. That one is a huios, as referred in to Romans 8. When a person is born-again, they start out as a Pieis...infant...These nuances are not seen by first appearance, without a further study into root beginnings of words, and this is part of the mystery of God. It was interesting that when Jesus was asked by his disciples why he spoke to the crowd in parables, he says basically I don't want them to know, you guys I have chosen you to know. [email protected]
ohh, thanks for the reminder not to get carried away. Think, pray, wait...ok so that waiting part is what confuses me. How to wait?! Is it an active wait or... I just heard a sermon about waiting as one goes through seasons in ones life. umm I think I need to do a study about Godly waiting since this theme keeps appearing in my life. :winksmile:
I just wanted to thank you for sharing these wonderful words of wisdom. I will pass them along to my daughter, niece and all the other young ladies/young men in my life. Your words are life changiing... Blessings, C :o)
