O.K. so not that I'm perfectly in tune with the Will of the Creator or anything, but I went through couple of relationships in the past where you find your self in love with someone who has a very dark past. Someone who lived a life quite the opposite of my own, and on that note, darker and more terrible than anything I experienced in my own childhood and youth.
Generally the scenario goes along the theme of having been raped when young, then entering their teens and becoming a wild child. Drawn to excessive use of narcotics, alcohol, and other hard drugs, not to mention sex with multiple partners, if not at the same time.
Upon meeting me, they were both in a situation where they were scared of their life, terrified of them selves, and saddened because there was no love in the company that they kept, be it at home or in their friendships.
I don't know what it is about male genetics, but we seem to be wired to be drawn to someone who needs us. Or at least that has been the case with me in the past. And for what ever reason, that warming feeling that one gains by being needed, combined with the overwhelming sympathy one feels towards someone who has suffered so much, or at least claims to have...
...Well it has a way of blinding one from seeing any fault in the person. Then one day out of the blue, it seems that the beautiful rainbows have faded to shades of grey. All of a sudden they begin falling back into their old habits, and start flirting with other men, or in one case women. Talking crazy stuff about inviting another woman home, challenging my entire system of faith, ranting and raving nihilism, bringing up old sex partners at random during what would had up till then the most romantic of moments. You name it. It has been like dealing with two totally different people.
These experiences have of course put a lot of anxiety in me, especially when dealing with a pretty face. I can not begin the describe the nightmarish places that my mind and heart had been drug into during these times, and the following few years after the break ups.
Needless to say, I've become one of those people who can only seem to bring my self to even dream of seeing someone and opening up to them again for years after each break up.
My last experience took place about three years ago, so I've more or less overcame the sadness, fear, and delusions I had been battling with, but I have to say, it has left me changed. I am no longer that bouncy, care free, young man that I used to be. I mean I am, but something is changed, I'm a little bit more serious, and a lot more private...
...thought I'm trying desperately to break out of that suffocating shell. I know The Creator has shown me more...
Well Christian dating sites tend to (or should) offer 'safer' dating material which is an attraction for those that are hurting, so there may be a higher percentage of people with baggage using the site. You'll need to be careful to look for signs early on and if you can get a handle on their faith and how it's played out in their lives so far then that'll help weed them out - but many women have baggage of some description!
I think that the desire to be in a relationship with someone who needed me came out of a lot of insecurity. I tried being the white knight all through high school, and I loved feeling needed by girls. Really though, I think deep down inside I thought that if they needed me, they wouldn't be able to leave me. As I grew in Christ and grew as a man though, I began to see that it really was insecurity driving me to find women who I thought couldn't do without me. Over the past couple years, I've come to see that there is something so much better than being needed by a woman: being WANTED by a woman who knows that she desperately NEEDS Christ.
I'm a little unsure about responding to this, but here goes...
First of all, I agree with Tulip. I think what we all should be looking for is someone who wants us, but who needs Christ. It's really easy to get that reversed, and I've been guilty of it myself many times... of feeling this desperate need for a man to love me, all while I am not depending on God. It can be a challenge for all of us to know and experience that God is who we need, and all that we need, and that human relationships, no matter how wonderful, will never compare to the relationship we have with God through Christ. In my head, I want to crave God more than I crave a future husband, but that thought doesn't always really connect to my heart. I don't want to need a man and I don't want a man who feeds into that. That's why it's so important to me that I meet a guy who encourages me in my relationship with the Lord, and who cares more about that vertical relationship than he cares about our horizontal relationship.
(And that's not the part that I'm unsure about.) I've been burned on here a few times for "oversharing" about my personal life and my past, so I really hesitate to open up. I've blurted things out on here a lot, and yet I'm finding this to be really difficult to talk about tonight...
I was sexually abused as a child. It started when I was 4 or 5 and continued for a long time. It was all part of this sex ring that involved child prostitution and pornography.
I think that it's impossible to go through something like that and be unchanged. When a woman is hurt sexually early on like that, it effects everything. There isn't one area of my life that I can examine and honestly say that it hasn't been impacted. And while I believe wholeheartedly in redemption, I think that it is important to recognize that sanctification is a process, and that process isn't complete until we're in Heaven. Because of that, I don't know that there is a point in which I will be able to look at myself and my life and say, "I'm totally, completely, 100% healed." And so, my hope has to be Heaven; it can't be anything in this life.
I have really been grappling with all of that in this past week and feeling very broken and questioning how a future marriage fits into any of that. At what point can I say that I'm healed enough to be able to give of myself fully to a man without having this NEED for him to make it all better for me? Where is that line between sharing burdens and walking alongside someone, and dumping your whole life on someone and expecting them to fix it? I would say to not become too involved with a woman who has been abused who does not have a fairly good idea of where that line is.
Will she still slip up? Sure. We all do. But, if she at least knows where the line is, then you can direct her towards it and towards God. Healing from sexual abuse is a looong, painful process, but she does need to have at least started that process before she's relationship-ready. Someone who refuses to deal with her past or acknowledge that it's an issue simply isn't ready.
Anyway, that's my two cents on sexually abused women and relationships, should you ever again find yourself attracted to someone who has been sexually abused.
Thank you all for your inspired and down to earth input! For some reason I was expecting accusations in regards to,"why wasn't I leading a God centered life?" and this and that. So thank you all for being honest, human, and humble about this issue.
While I have never been raped, I can say that I've felt raped for that the last relationship was the strongest ever. I felt we were on that path towards our Creator and being a unity, bound and lost within his glory, but alas, things got strange and trampled upon all I held sacred, all that I had held and reserved for that One.
I'm better now today, but as with everything, different, effected, but The Creator uses those experiences as we learn to "be still" again.
So again, thank you all, it means a lot to me.
Also Pixy, I am very familiar with the sex rings. There is a local Methodist University here in town that carries old VHS tapes which investigate such things. The scary part, and I don't mean to come across as a conspiracy theorist here, but the scary part is a lot of trails led to men and women in high places.
With that said, I'm glad you are feeling better and are able to again allow The Creator to resume in your life.
Oh ya, and my experiences didn't take place with anyone on this site. Just for the note. I don't think the forums on this site would be a good place to express bad experiences with someone I'd met on the site. That would most definitely be awkward. :)
I've been down your route but at the end of the day you can't let someone else's problems become your problems. Just because someone has been abused doesn't give them the right to be out of order with everyone for the rest of their life.
I suffered a bit of abuse as a child and possibly I have done quite a few things as an adult as a result that I was unaware of at the time. I still generally try to treat people fairly and if someone can't treat me like that then I don't want to know them.
I can tell you from experience that you won't change those people for long, they have to want to change themselves.
You have to remember that sex and drugs are addictive, many people will use their past to justify their abuse of these things. That's all the excuse they need, help them if they genuinely ask but don't let them bring you down.
Very good thoughts by everyone here. I sympathize as someone who has found himself similarly drawn to the damsel in distress. I've learned it is ok to help ladies like that but to guard my own heart. When I look for relationships now I look for someone who's needs ( as has been said already) are met in Christ. I look for a girl who isn't "needy". She may still find herself in distress but her faith makes her strong, and she is becomes more a testimony to me an encouragement. Which brings me to the other thing I look for, someone who can give. Girls who may "need" us never reach the healthy point in a relationship where they can give, if they are always needing.
