I hope this message finds you well. I am sorry to say I am hurting tonight. My heart is broken and lost in its quest to find you. My fruitless effort has left me in a wilderness of despair. For many years I have searched for you. Not a fortnight ago, I thought I had found you. I wondered, for a moment, if I had at last discovered the beautiful gem the Lord crafted specially for me, and I for her. I was wrong. I let myself become attached this treasure that wasn�t mine; I fell in love with her. I waited for years for her to return the feelings and finally, when I could stand it no longer, I laid bare my soul and expressed my hope that she was the piece my heart was missing.
I was wrong. She gently rejected me, my heart, and my love. I wanted more than anything to have finally found you. Tears are falling down my face as I write this, Love. My heart is wrenched in such agony I fear it will shatter to dust and my life along with it. I�m straining against the pain, against the turmoil raging deep in my soul. I apologize, Dear One, for I am a weak man. The woman I thought was you was my best friend, and this loss has left me with a gaping wound. I have gained yet another scar I hope your precious hands can mend.
My soul cries out for finality; it longs to be free from this tortuous world and the trials in it. I am barely able to stay afloat above life�s struggles. How my mind and body ache for your restoring touch, to be wrapped in your comforting embrace, a shield against the roaring storm beyond our love. I hold on desperately to the hope that I will one day find you. I fear my grip is weakening however. I am a weary traveler who is unable to find his home. These years of solitude threaten to devour my spirit at any moment. Forgive me for my weakness; I am not a strong man.
Our fellow brothers and sisters claim that we are all complete in the family of our Father, but I say it is not so. Each of us has been given a calling, a design for our lives. It is the fulfillment of this design that completes us, not simply in the receiving of the Spirit, in being purchased by the saving grace of our resurrected Lord. Many may receive the gift of Life, but few do anything with it. They continue on in meaningless attempts to sate their desire to be whole. They need only look to the Lord and follow his faultless plan. If only it were so easy, My Love.
My Father has filled many holes in this breaking heart, but there is still one that he himself can not seal: my calling. The reason, the purpose for which I have been given the breath of life and was placed on this planet, was to find you. How I long for the day when the final piece in my life is brought to me and I can be whole.
I pray, Dear One, that we will be together soon, but not before our preparation for each other is complete. I pray for you; please wait patiently, just a little while longer while I continue my search. I pray for me: for the strength to persevere in the midst of my emotional torment. And lastly, I pray that when we are together at last, we will finally be...
Complete.
With all the love in this fragile heart,
-Doug
My best friend of 2 1/2 years rejected my desire to be anything more than friends last night. I thought she was the one for me and invested so much time and emotion cultivating this relationship. I'm now left with nothing but an empty hole in my heart. I can't stop the pain, the waterfall of tears. I've lost not only my hope for a future with her but also her friendship. No longer can I spend time with her until the early morning hours, working on our art projects together, watching movies, sharing meals. She wants to erase our time together from her memory, and returned the letters I had written to her over the years.
I fear my heart will shatter to dust at any moment turning me into a mere shell of my former self. I see no light at the end of this darkened tunnel. I wander in a void of pain with no hope for respite. All my hopes have withered along with the friendship she so callously cast aside. What comfort is there for a lonely and broken heart that sees no future happiness in store? Contrary to my letter written above to my unknown love, in a time of irrational emotional torment, I'm not convinced I will ever find her, or that my heart will ever be complete. I want to believe it, and so I wrote that letter in hopes it will come true, but I do not think it will come to pass. And as the hours slowly crawl by, further separating me from the one I thought was to be mine, my hope for joy dwindles, merely a soft glow from the ashes left of my heart.
Hmm, This may not help now but...Focus on one thing now..Jesus Christ and his love and salvation. Make sure you have that! Even when life is hard.....Eternity with God will far beyond compare what is here. I can tell you are hurting and I empathize. BUt keep hope, look up, and Hold on to God!
Oh yeah and what flatlander said was really great advice too. It's kinda impossible to say it w/o being vague or so you can understand, but all you really need to do is focus on your faith in God. Hopefully it won't take you as long as it took me to figure that out.
Reading that my only comment was regarding the statement you made about your calling. I would have to disagree. Would you pray specifically for God to show you what you are to do as you Wait on His perfect will?
One more thing. I do hope you realize the gift you have from the LORD~you are a writer!! Get busy for Him and use it~it is exciting to see it in your letter!
Thank you all for your encouraging words. At the time of my posting there were no words that could bring solace for the heart-wrenching pain, but a few weeks later, I read them again, and I'd like to thank you all for your posts and messages. The family of Christ coming together and helping those who are hurting is a magnificent response to God's love for us.
To shepherdess, thank you for your response. I've been trying to figure out what I should do with this life when I discovered a passion for writing. Words of confirmation like this and from others make me feel I may have finally found my gift, and I am very excited to look for ways to use it for God.
As a follow-up to my original message, I'd like to take a brief moment to tell you all how I've progressed in these last weeks. At first I was too hurt and angry to think clearly. This young woman, my best friend, knowingly tortured me emotionally during the last four months we were together. The details aren't important, only that she intentionally, maliciously caused me such emotional affliction it began to negatively affect not only my mental state but my physical health as well.
I hated her for weeks. I couldn't believe that even after it was all over she still had her claws in me, further tearing at the tapestry of my once happy life. I saw no end to the pain. I thought I would just waste away in a toxic pool of my own self-pity and enmity towards this woman. It was a lethal combination that was spiraling out of control.
Everything changed last Sunday however. While I was at church, sitting quietly in the pew listening to the pastor, I had a sudden revelation. It wasn't from anything he was talking about, it was just a random bolt of divinely inspired realization that pierced through the walls I was building around my heart. Jesus not only forgave those that intentionally, maliciously tortured him, but he also saved us, people who once hated him and did every evil deed under the sun. I realized that the only way my heart was going to heal from this was to let go of my pain, of being so terribly wronged, and forgive her.
The moment I said those words out loud, "I forgive you", came such a peace that washed over me as I have never before experienced, and my pain and anger instantly retreated from the previously darkened corners of my heart. It's now two days later and there is no stopping this joy from overtaking me and regaining it's rightful place in my life. God has the miraculous power to heal a floundering spirit. I may get swept up by the antagonistic people or events throughout life, but I have a lifeline around me, firmly tethered to my God. In the panic of raging storms it's easy to forget about it, but all I have to do is calm down, turn around, and pull myself back into waiting arms.
with her until the early morning hours, working on our art projects together, watching movies, sharing meals. She wants to erase our time together from her memory, and returned the letters I had written to her over the years.