Two months ago (today) my mom died of cancer. I'm 43 years old, so I would think I'm a big girl now and could handle the realities of life. I was the one that handled her funeral arrangements, I was the executor of her will, and I didn't have time to grieve. I watched her die and was there with her daily for the last few months of her life while she was in hospice (and I held her hand as she died) - I never cried in front of her. I'm fortunate in the sense that I'm self employed so I could take the time off to spend with her in her final months.
I haven't opened my Bible or prayed since she died. I'm not mad at God, I'm just indifferent. And it scares me. I've tried to pray, but my heart isn't there - I feel like I'm talking to the walls. I've also started crying lately - there wasn't a day in my life that I didn't talk to my mom - the conversations were never deep, but more on the lines of "do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?" Our relationship wouldn't have been defined as close by people who knew us, but in our own way, we were very close. And it took her death for me to realize how close we really were.
When she was in hospice, there were nights that I stayed with her. She often asked me to hold her hand, which I did. Once she told me that the sofa bed they had in the room had to be uncomfortable and told me I should crawl in bed with her (I thought she was just being the worrier she always had been, wondering if I was going to wake up stiff and sore) - I refused because I wanted HER to be comfortable in her own bed. It wasn't until after she died that I found out she had made the same request to her best friend. What she wanted was to be held. This memory absolutely haunts me now. I should have held her. I should have crawled in bed with her, snuggled up next to her, and held her. Of all the mistakes I have made in my life, this was probably the biggest - I completely missed it. I dropped the ball and there's no making up for it.
I don't know how to explain it - I've asked God to please not leave me, but I just don't feel like talking. I've apologized over and over (talking to the walls feeling) for not wanting to talk or pray. I know I should be leaning on Him right now, but I can't. I'm not mad, I'm just hurting. I don't want to lose God, but at the same time, God knows when I'm insincere, so there's no point in trying to "fake" what I'm feeling.
Am I losing my salvation because of my indifference toward God?
Even Jesus Himself cried out "Father,Why have you forsakened Me?".
You are going through the "darkness of your Faith". Walking through the Desert. Your Faith has "dried up". We all go through this.
Your Mother is still in The Body of Christ. You are still connected. In The Catacombs under Rome the Early Christians wrote Prayers for their newly departed on the walls of their tombs.
My heart goes out to you. I will keep you in my prayers. After reading your post I am reminded of the story of the Footprints in the Sand. I'm sure you have heard it. Someone sees two sets of prints as they walk with Jesus through life then there is only one set. They cry out saying, Jesus, why did You leave me that was when I needed You most? Jesus answered that was when I carried you. Linnie, He is closer than your own heartbeat, trust Him. He knows what you are going through and He cares. He is still a Linnie Freak. :hearts:
I wanted to share with you from a counseling perspective the stages that grief goes through. All people go through each of these stages. Some people may go from one to the next very quickly and others may get sorta stuck in one phase for a little while. Grief takes time, please allow yourself that and know that it is true that time heals all wounds. I pray that God gives you strength to walk through this difficult time and brings you peace.
Here is the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief":
7 Stages of Grief...
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
7 stages of grief...
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
I've been there. When my husband died, the dark seemed totally engulfing. You're mom had to know of your obvious love for her. Stop beating yourself up. She would't want it. God understands better than anyone. He's hanging on to you and won't let go.
While my husband was sick, I had a 3 year-old and my mother-in-law to take care of too. My world was spinning. When he died, my world came to a stand still and I didn't know what to do with myself. The Hospice in our town offered a Grief Support group. Some hospitals or mental health clinics offer the groups for free. Just knowing that I wasn't loosing my mind and that there are many different ways of handling grief helped. One thing that especially helped me was an exercise where they asked us to make a list of everything we lost when we lost our loved one. I started writing and when I looked up, everyone in the group was staring at me. I was they only one still writing. Most of the group had only put down 3-4 items. I had 2 columns. Someone made the comment that if they had a husband like mine, they'd be devastated too. The more you lost, the deeper the grief. And, it sounds like your mom was a 2 column person.
Cut yourself some slack, and come back and blog on this thread any time you feel like it. I'm sure I'm not the only one who can relate.
Linnie... I'm way late in readin this and replying too. So sorry for your loss and dont' really know what to say. But, I do know what to pray... I have a certain respect for you, just because of your presence here in the forums so I just want to lift you up, right now, in Jesus name. Be encouraged, my sis in Christ. As I know both my parents, now 77 and almost 80 respectively, Mom and Dad.. I know are not promised to me to be here through my own time here on earth. I reallize we have the beautiful promise of the history in our word of God to help us and guide us as we deal with daily life challenges... Thank God! My sis, again I'm sorry for replying so late, but still... acknowledged and sharing availabilityand prayer as you need. I pray that the next few months are spiritually therapudic for you and also revealing. Take care, and God bless you! :glow:
I just wanted to say to you that you can NOT lose God through grief.
I truly believe that only God speaks words of comfort and hope in our darkest moments but fortunately for us, these words do not necessarily and only come to us through prayer.
You are right in waiting with praying when you feel no indifference. Do not feel guilty about it and only come to Him when you feel "pure" open and wanting to connect.
Once again, our relationship with God, the light, comfort and leading does not depend on ourselves. He holds us, carries us and keeps us close to Him even when we feel that we are fully left behind and struggling with no answers.
There are times Linnie, and I hope you do not find me lecturing, that we have to live blind on our faith, we built up in the happy days. It is an automatic pilot with just blind faith. No input as we are hurting and empty.... just faith.
It is in times that we cannot see (for whatever reason) that God turns out to be more close than ever. Believe me, when you will have the eyes to look back on your path, you will see Him. Not now... but later you will.
I very much wish you inner peace and strength to overcome this so difficult time
The Dear LORD JESUS CHRIST Give you and All who mourn the passing of your dear mother, strength, comfort, and love in this your time of mourning. My condolences be with you all. In The Wonderful NAME of JESUS CHRIST, our KING. Amen.
hello ..my name is Mark and my wife died also from brain and lung cancer she died at home in my arms ..just you there were times she would look at me and ask me to lay next to her..and of course I said no..because the bed hospice brought in was so small and ..I was afraid .that I might pull the cords that was attached to her ..and laid on the couch ..and the next day early in the morning..I heard her moaning ..and I ran to her to find her eyes fixed on the ceiling..I called to her and she did not answer..little did I know she was going through the transition period..I held her in my arms for 8 hours..wishing I had laid with her..for she knew within herself that was the last night and wanted me to hold her as I always did..before the cancer..but I learned something that day and it was this..tomorrow was not promised to no one..GOD was already in that moment..all we had to do was reach the spot where our GOD had already been to see what was there for us to find ..and I found out what was there and it was this seeing my wife last tears..and seeing myself holding her in my arms..I understand truly what you are going through..see we are only blessed with seeing yesterday..but how can we know what is ahead ..just like you I see her asking me over and over please lay with me ..like your mom she wanted to be held..just like she held you when you were a child and sick and how it made you feel when momma was there ..but she is okay now just like my wife they are with the Lord singing and give praise..they are weeping for us now..
I just lost my Mother to Breast Cancer on July 14, 2010 and I had almost exactly the same experiences. Since her passing I haven't felt myself or happy. I didn't know if I was depressed, angry, stressed over the financial situation I was left in my myself (I'm an only child 57) or if I was just losing it. I took care of my Mom for 3 1/2 years while she was in remission. Then they changed Doctors and everything went down hill from there. She started acting like she had a stroke, confused and not making sense anymore. I took her to the Hospital twice and the second time they sent her home they told her(without asking us first) that she had two or six months to live. Try two weeks! She couldn't even communicate with us before she passed because the cancer had went to her liver and everything went fast from there. I was holding her hand too, when she passed on. I guess what bothers me is my Mom didn't tell anyone that she had a lump till it spread to her bones. They told us if she had told someone of her lump she would have survived because of her age. Her sister is 92, my Mom was only 80 and I like you thought I could or would be able to handle it. But I miss her more than I ever knew I would. We lived together for many years as roommates and she helped me with my three children when they were growing up too. I have thought many times since her passing that God had forsaken me. But then I read some parts of the Bible that changed my mine. Your Mother is so cute! I look at old people in such a different way now. I know my Mom and probably yours as well would want you to be happy. Give your self the time to grieve, everybody grieves so differently. I'm learning that I feel lost without her in my life, but I just give thanks for the time I had with her and all of the good things we shared. I hope this helps to let you know that your not alone. If you ever need to talk please feel free to send me a message. God Bless, Lemongrass
I am praying for you, I ask the Angels to surround you and embrace you within their arms, and that you have found peace within your own heart. I lost my Dad 3 yrs ago. He graduated and went home to God, I celebrate his life now, and I know he is no longer in pain. Celebrate her life my friend. Celebrate her love and her memories that you hold within your heart.
I VERY much thought of the same thing... GOD does not lead us but we can become satans pawn. Grief is a long road, one which at times we bear with a heavy load upon our shoulders. We need not but we are human and though Christ bore a heavy load for us there are times when we just crawl into God's lap and seek His peace and covering. LOVE is everything, when we Abide in His love HE abides in us!
I pray for your truth and rejoice in the many years you had your mom. I lost my dad to cancer at just 19 so much he missed sharing in my life. BUT my heavenly Father has been there to share it all. The ups and the downs... the accomplishments and the challenges... my growth and my pruning... and through each step He had guided my path. Do not doubt He is doing the same for you. Instead of praying for now try just having conversations with Him
LOVE is everything, when we Abide in His love HE abides in us!