I was with a guy for 4 years off and on. I thought he loved me, and I let him control every aspectof my life. I was very close to my family and friends and slowly he pushed me away from them. He convinced me to move away and I let him make the decisions that put me 1,000+ debt. He emotionally and once physically abused me. It was like I was brainwashed for only God knows how long, and then it was as if I woke up from a trance. I had to leave the house while he was sleeping so I could be guaranteed to be able to leave. I am not blaming this all on him because I let him make my decisions and control me, but I hate him so much I can almost imagine hurting him or maybe even killing him. This isn't the way i want to be and it's not the Christian waybut I just keep thingabout how he totally took advantage of me. I thought he loved me. I want to get over it but I don't know how. I really don't. I just want to get rid of all this hurt I have locked up in me.
I tried to keep this somewhat vague and short but that didn't work. So, any advice?
Swalee, I am so sorry that you've been hurt. I've been in a couple of controlling, physically and emotionally abusive relationships myself, so I do understand some of what you've gone through. The things we do for "love," eh?
One of the first things to do that's helpful is to toss anything that would remind of the person... If you have pictures, love letters, etc., go ahead and shred them or burn them. There's no need to hold to mementos of bad memories, because they just take us back to the past every time we look at them, which is not what God wants us to be doing. This step will help a lot with your thought life.
The next thing is to not let yourself "pout" about it. It's okay to feel sad and to cry about it, but if you're getting to the point where you're sitting around wallowing for hours at a time, berating yourself or thinking hateful thoughts about him, you need to stop. Just force yourself to do something else. That can be praying, going for a walk, etc. And you need to be proactive about that, meaning that you need to decide ahead of time what you will do when your thoughts start going in a bad direction. One thing that works well for that is to make up some index cards for yourself that have an encouraging Bible verse written on one side and then a task written on the other (such as praying or going for a walk). So, when your thoughts are going where they shouldn't, grab a card, read the Scripture, and then do what's on the other side of the card. Just a suggestion, but it has worked well with me before =)
It can also be helpful to journal and to find someone to talk to. If you don't have someone in real life that you can just be completely open and honest w/ about everything that happened, please feel free to message me anytime.
Most importantly, spend a lot of time w/ God. Read your Bible diligently; let the Word of God wash over you. Spend time in prayer... and not just the quick little one-liners, but real solid, sincere prayer. Confess the thoughts you're having and just tell the Lord that you're struggling and that you need His help to heal from this and to forgive.
On the issue of forgiveness, I recommend reading Matthew 18. Here are some other helpful Scriptures:
Philippians 2:1-11
This passage talks about the humility that Jesus had... How he was worthy of so much more than what He experienced when He became a man, lived among us, and became our sacrifice. He's God and he could have clung to His rights as God and chosen to love us in the way He did. In the same way, we think, a lot of times, that we are owed a particular set of experiences or that we should be exempt from hurts. But sometimes there is more honour and integrity in not clinging to our rights (or perceived rights) and in choosing what glorifies God.
Philippians 3:12-16
Here, Paul talks about forgetting what is behind and pressing on towards the goal. For me, this is such a powerful passage in terms of healing emotionally from something. While we can't make ourselves forget something, we can choose to not dwell on it and to focus our thoughts and energy on other things. We can form better habits -- habits that are more God-glorifying. For example, when I find myself thinking about a particular thing in my past, I try (and, no, I don't always succeed) to do something else. I try to pray, read my Bible, or just get out and do something, like take a walk... anything other than just sitting around and wallowing. We need to keep our goal in mind. And our goal here on earth, as Christians, is not to avoid pain, or to seek vengeance... It's to glorify God and to bring others to Him, and we need to think about our thoughts and actions in terms of that.
Hebrews 12:1-3
This talks about throwing off anything that's hindering and/or entangling you and running the race set before you. It talks about focusing on Jesus and what He endured. Holding onto past hurts is something that hinders and entangles us. It's a barrier between us and fullness of walking with Christ. By letting it go, we are choosing to make God the focus our lives rather than the things that are behind us. It's doesn't mean that the hurt will never come to mind, but, that when it does, we can choose to turn away from that and focus our attention on God instead.
Anyway, I have really gone on-and-on here... Hope this helps you some and lemme know if you have any questions =)
The first thing that I want to say to you is that you are loved, you are loveable, and you are not alone.
Pixy has given you a good start. I'd like to encourage you to get some professional Christian counseling if possible. A lot of people don't understand the brainwashing side that you are talking about and it is very real. You become his prisoner as if he kidnapped you mentally and emotionally. It is pretty standard to need help to identify, understand, and break the hold that he continues to have even though you haven't even seen him. Your subconscious takes over automatic responses to the stimuli that would make him "punish" you. If you cannot afford counseling, seek out a Domestic Violence shelter or SASA organization that can provide group therapy and other services for you. Another avenue may be finding a Celebrate Recovery group in your area. You do not have to be an addict to participate in their program. It's about "hurts, habits, & hang ups." If you've been abused, you have them.
Pray, scream, cry, pray, scream, cry and do it all over again. Get involved in activities that will keep you around people. Don't continue to be isolated. Speak to your pastor and ask if any ladies in your church do mentoring or if he is aware of any other abused women that have recovered and might be willing to assist you in your healing. You will be grieving the loss of your relationship and the dreams attached to it. You will probably grieve the "wasted" years, and other things I can't possible know, so get plenty of rest, eat healthy, and take care of yourself physically. When you are grieving and stressed, your immune system is reduced.
Don't beat yourself up. If you treat yourself the way he criticized and blamed you... Satan will continue to keep you in bondage and you will not heal. Why God allows bad things to happen to good people is an ongoing discussion. Learn from "your side" of the situation and accept love and friendship from fellow Christian's. You are a daughter of the Most High God. Act like a child of the King and not your ex's slave.
Read the Psalms. Write scripture on your bathroom mirror. Post it on your refrigerator. Send yourself scripture voice messages. In other words, reprogram your brainwashed mind with scripture. Romans 12:2
Three years since I threw him out. Two years since the divorce was final. Life is looking good. Jesus is the great healer!
thank you, thank you, thank you. I am in the process of divorcing him and I'm looking for a councelor or something. I have to keep bottling up all these emotions because no one will let me talk, no one wants to hear it around here and so I end up blowing up emotionally which can't be good. But thank you for your advice.
You are right that people are uncomfortable hearing about abuse and when you are just starting to break free the intensity of emotion is uncomfortable for a lot of people. Be very selective about who you open up to. Finding "safe" people can be hard, but they are out there and hopefully, there is someone in your congregation. That's another reason it is good to connect with a support group.
It will take time for you to heal from the trauma, so cut yourself some slack. The anger outbursts will get fewer and farther apart, plus as they diminish, they will blindside you. Just remind yourself that it is a part of the healing process and that you are just one more outburst closer to fully healing. Satan wants you to be discouraged and feel defeated. Call him a liar and persevere.
I'm proud of you. This is hard work, but you can make it!
the only thing i can say is u will stop after u stop hurting inside. and hating him will hurt you more than him because as long as you dont forgive him he has control over u. it's not easy to forgive-i know-but when i had my x in my heart my prayer life suffered because i didn't have the kind of connection i wanted with my savior, and to me, there is no way i was going to let this man keep me away from someone who died so i could live. i will b praying for u, its not easy, but one day u will wake up and find that all u feel for him is pity, and you will say to yourself, God is saving the best for last, he loves you so much that he took him out of your life because as his child only the best would do for you
