A thousand tears stream down my face, puddles of water at my feet, makeup running down my cheeks. shirt soaking wet.,
Ignorance and hurtfull words have been thrown at me so often that I feel I cannot stand up without collapsing at times. My bones feeling like rubber bands as I feeel defeated.,
In some strange way these individuasl actually feel that slandering me is somehow benefiting me and improving my life ...
I should be thinner, i should be shorter, I should be different. My body should be more like " Barbie".
For heaven's sakes. I am 50 yrs old. I am not 20.
I didn't realize I was so repulsive.
If you want a 20 yr old, please go after them and stop expecting me to be 30 yrs younger. It is humanly impossible.
Leave me alone..
So to escape the unreal world I join a Christian site and find that there is no escaping it here either..
What on earth do people feel the need to send me such horrible notes to my message centre. What have i possibly done to them?
CDFF banning these individuals each and every day from messaging me. Constant in my everyday life.
I guess the question from me would be- why?
No matter what past strengths I have developed and equipped myself with, no amount of experience I have aquired over the years, protects me from unkind, harsh, gestures and words.
Such mental torture.
They are like a sword slicing right through my spirit.. erasing all means of protection for my heart.
No amount of life experiences, cheek turning or praying can protect me from the unkind words of others.
Character assassination is really what it is.
I have been through many battles in life. My struggles deep.
I have always come out on top with God holding my hand- always.
Yet tonight on New Years Eve, a time of renewal and freshness, I feel to be the ugliest , homliest, most thought distorted, unlikeable, unloveable most hideous of all God's creations on the planet. All because of a few individuals.
I feel I cannot present myself to the world in a positive fashion this evening. So I stay hidden in my"home". and alone .
I am not looking for pity or words of comfort.
I just want to be able to express freely how such words can have such a profound affect on ones life.
Especially when they are said to one repeatedly.
I will recover from this too, however, my heart I know will be just that much harder..
OK- surroundedbyangels , come on... get a grip!!! Your heart ain't shattered!! You are a child of God!! Smile!! :glow::purpleangel::purpleangel:
You gotta remember WHO YOU ARE IN CHRIST!!
You are 50. I'm 53! So what!! ??? Cmon!! think about it .
God put you here on earth for a reason, and it ain't about you. Ok? Ok then. Re-think about what you posted. Now I dion't know if you posted another Part ! thread, cause I didn't scroll enough back to see, but just get a grip right now! K? OK!
You are fearfully and wonderfully made BY GOD!! Get that!! That's all you need to focus on!. PERIOD!!
Live your life like you know and BELIEVE that!! OK!! OK then!
You and I are on this site together, which means I 'm supposed to encourage you and help keep you straight, and I will do that! So get your composure together! Now.
As I mentioned in my note , I do not want, need or expect pity. That was not my intent of my writing.
I am real and express myself and my feelings freely through words.
I always have and always will.
With that said, I have to expect people's comments when they read my words. Good and bad.
For every action there is a reaction.
Believe me, I rarely feel badly about myself. I did last night however, as I am human and was worn down.
The point to be made was that continuous, harmful, negative words, cut like a knife.
I appreciate your comments. Thank you for taking the time to forward a note to me.
Unfortunately GraceMae this is a common occurrance in my daily life. Not something which happens once or twice a year. It has accompanied me through life. Both men and woman go out of their way to"Try" to inflict emotional pain upon me. Strange enough people I don't usually know.
I do my best to fight it .
It is a fact, not a cry for help.
I don't expect anyone to undertand and if you do great, if not, well, I wont' spend my life trying to explain myself.
It just is a bit of a let down I feel towards my fellow human being is all and the sad truth that each time I try to shrudge it off, my heart feels a little tougher and that saddens me.
I commend myself for being able to stand up to it all with God's help however.
Why I am a target? Who knows. Always have been since I was about 5.
Not sure the reasoning for some people's behaviour, it is just one of those things that, " JUST IS".
I would have to write many books in order for one to realize my life and the situations I have been in to understand where I come from.
We've all got a strory.
Strange enough, I have volumes of them.
This thing you mentioned about me being 50.
I do not, and never will have an issue with my age.
My Grandmother is 103 and going strong. My parents are healthy and in their 80's .
Age isn't an issue with me. It seems to be for some people.
I stated that if it is a 20 or 30 year old that someone is looking for, I said to look somewhere else is all.
I am very content with who I am and the age I'm at. It is never an issue with me on getting older. I enjoy life and the whole aging process. It is kind of like the 4 seasons. Each season has its own beauty. Just like the different areas of our life . (Infant, teen, adult, senior).
On both sides of my family, age has never been an issue and we all express our ages on our birthdays with a smile, with friends and family. Joyful and appreciative. Giving glory to God.
My Italian Grandfather use to say, "There are 2 things you can't do anything about". "The weather and aging". So we just accept it. The best we can and always with BEAUTY and GRACE"
If you re-read my words you will also see where I say that I always come out of every situation holding God's hand.
That is a positive statement.
I have never doubted "Him".
I am human is all and for anyone who reads my notes at the forum my intent is for people to realize they are not alone and that this is life and we are all human.
The biggest point to be made? " It is ok to feel", anything and everything that life throws at us.
My therapy GraceMae, is getting in touch with my feelings and emotions and expressing them on paper.
SBA-- thanks for elaborating more. I replied to encourage and lift you up. I think you are very in touch with yourself, from this last reply back. I am only here to support you, even though this was one of those rare moments... ("I rarely feel badly about myself. I did last night however, as I am human and was worn down.")
I know we need to vent sometimes, and all you've said gives for better understanding . I appreciate you taking the time to give me more clarity.
What if you entrusted your feelings about yourself just to God and yourself?
I've found that entrusting my person validation to others produces uncertainty, pain and a black night of despair like you seemed to have last evening. People can be so unthinking at best and ruthless at worst.
Praying extra helpings of wisdom, resilience and focus in the New Year!
dear angels, my goodness there aint nothing wrong with you.. youre a sweet wonderful lady .. those guys ,well they just missed out on a good woman.. shattered? dont give others that kind of power over you and how you feel about yourself.. there is nothin wrong with the way you look or the way you are..
just say to your self hey its their loss. and go find you a man that will appreciate a fine older woman ..and one not expecting perfection. only perfect for them..
you got way too kind a heart for that other junk my friend..
I also know the thoughts... the feelings.... but that only puts us in wonderful company because for anyone to do or say things with such malice must not have and love in them for anyone. The wonderful company I spoke of is Jesus Christ. He ask for no pity and offered love and eternal life even through the name calling, through the torment..... the beatings...... the driving of nails through His flesh, and still He offered love... forgiveness.... eternal life, while asking our Heavenly Father to forgive them that were doing Him in such a way because they did not understand exactly what it was they were doing nor who they were really doing it too. We can only Pray for such a big, loving and forgiving heart as our wonderful Saviour!! God Bless YOU..... we do know God can heal ALL wounds as you know as you have come out each time with God holding your hand guiding you to the peace Jesus offers each of us. If only one day as we walk hand in hand with our Heavenly Father our path may cross and you could see how a woman.... a child of God really should be treated.... "Just a simple servant of God"
