It is almost that season again. Not only the holidays coming up, but the anniversary of my husband's suicide. He lost his battle to his disease I tell people which is true.
He had diabetes and didn't take care of himself.
He waited late in life to go to college to become a teacher. His very first teaching position he went blind. He was so angry at God and I guess even me. He went off to blind school and there met an 18 yr old girl he was going to leave me for. Told our middle daughter he was going to divorce me on her birthday. All I could do was pray for him. Well I wasn't alone in praying for him.
He said "you and your yapping prayer friends are at it again... praying for me." This brought him home to me.
We ended up moving across Kansas for him to return to college to be trained in something he could do, but this is when he went into renal failure. He felt like his life was over. I think the dialysis was no longer working and he had little time left. Because he made a confession, I had to place him in a nursing home. We still are not sure how he managed to hang himself in the closet as he had trouble walking (had a stroke). I say he died 4 days in a roll.
First day he hung himself and they revived him and was placed on life support. he would take an auto breath so he wasn't brain dead.
Second day the auto breath stopped, but they waited until the next day to call me as we were 50 miles away and they wanted to know if I wanted to be there when they declared him died.
Third day was Nov 24, 2011 Thanksgiving Day and I was in his room as they went through several tests to declare him dead. This took around an hour. They unplugged him and called the time of death. However he was an organ donor so it didn't end here as they turned the machine back on to keep the organs viable.
Fourth day they harvested what they could and he was finally sent on to the M.E. for autopsy.
The next summer the ripple affect was still going on in our youngest daughter's life. She became withdrawn and I being so caught up in my grif, didn't see the signs until almost too late. She was plotting suicide and I had to send her to a mental hospital. She still struggles with it all.
I do well most days, but I have noticed the depression has hit yet again.
God's grace to you my sister! Where does one even begin in ministering encouragement to you after what you've endured so far in your life!? To be honest, after reading your post the only thing that came to my spirit was to find a verse in God's Word...truth that assures and guarantees healing and comfort:
2 Corinthians 12:7-10(NKJV)---And lest I should exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. 8) For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. 9) And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10) Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
No believer, in at least the New Testament, was more trialed with tribulation after tribulation then Paul! And no I know it doesn't negate our own personal heartaches, pain and suffering...however for me this whole journey in Christ lets me know that I'll never be alone with the reality of living amongst true lovers of God who know that the price to walk, serve and seek Him is a cost that only Christ's blood has paid in full!!! It seems that whatever we endure in this earthly life, must be continually laid at His feet!
I truly pray, overtime, as you and your families heart, mind and spirit begin to heal in and with God's grace, that when this particular time of the year comes around, you'll intentionally celebrate the wonderful times and memories God gave to you all to share! Be well kept and blessed and Him!
