I wanted to share a post I made on Facebook earlier this year. The purpose is to help anyone out there now who may be hurting and need a reminder that you're not alone
I ended up deleting this from facebook 24 hrs after I posted it because I was still in a vulnerable state of mind and I was overwhelmed with concern from family and friends (I've got some good ones) and I didn't want any attention. Anyway, it felt more appropriate here after reading some of the posts I've read.
I wrote it on what I thought was the worse day of my life. I had an excruciating few week before and all the anguish reached a fever pitch on this particular day. I was seriously thinking thinking of how I could just disappear off the face of the earth. I wrote this immediately upon arriving home. So here is the original post in it's entirety.
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Ok, I rarely facebook anymore and certainly don't share stuff... but with the struggles I'm going through and the fact that I had a rare facebook check-in last night, I decided I would share a few things.
When I was browsing around last night, I was overwhelmed with the pain and heartache that was being expressed. I was encouraged by peoples bravery to put themselves out there and ask for help and prayers. I've never been that type. I tend to keep things in, let them fester awhile, then release it in a torrent negativity on those around me. Obviously not the healthy way to handle hardship and very detrimental to the relationships around me.
What I'm hoping here is that if you are out there and reading this, and you're going through something in your life that's causing you to feel helpless, hopeless, lost, desperate, lonely, unloved, angry, frustrated, manic, and / or inconsolable (I'm just mentioning the ones I've felt today but I could go on and on)... then I hope maybe we can go on a little journey together. You see I've been facing my on weaknesses and failures for quite awhile and they've culminated into some of the worst pain and heartache I've ever had to deal with. I've failed the people who love and care about me and in return, I've failed to love and care for the people that depend on me. I've let down my family. I've let down my friends. I've let down my clients. And I've come to the conclusion that I'm simply not who I want to be... or even more importantly, who God wants me to be. I have failed so miserably that I've come to the realization that this was the problem from the start.. I have been trying to be in control. I have tried to steer the wheel of a ship I simply don't know how to sail and I've gotten so lost at sea that I have no clue where the shore is anymore. The problem is me. I try to solve problems I was never meant to solve. I thinks it's a trap a lot of us get caught up in. Focusing on "me" has never gotten me anywhere good. I cater to my own wants and desires. I want what makes me happy for very temporary satisfaction. I'm simply selfish. I've gotten myself in so deep that all I see is darkness.
So, on that cheerful note, bare with me while I take you through the events of today and why I decided to share my story...
This day started out so dark I could barely get out bed and face the day... but I had obligations so I slunk out into the world to share my misery with others. I had a long drive to the Appalachian foothills which, in another time, I would have taken the opportunity to appreciate Gods handy work as the flowers bloomed, trees blossomed, and rolling mountains came into view... but no, the sun simply wasn't shining in Jay's world. I was caught up in my own misery. I was in self-pity-city one second, then angry and frustrated that everyone had let me down, then angry and frustrated at myself for letting everyone around me down even worse. Maybe you've had days like that, and if you haven't, count yourself lucky. It isn't fun. But even more so, it's simply not healthy for you or the ones around you.
Well, I worked all day, finished my task, then started the trek back. You'd think I'd be in a better state of mind since it was the end of the work day and I was heading home... no sir, it was even worse. All my failures crept up on me full force and the guilt and shame was doing quite a number on me. I could barely function and I still had at least a two and a half hour drive ahead. I just happened to have my laptop with me when I decided to pop by a restaurant that had free wifi and downloaded some music from my itunes account... stuff I had not listened to in about 7 years. Why I chose those songs are still a mystery but I have a feeling there was some divine intervention. They were some of the older Hillsong collections like All Things Are Possible, The Potter's Hand, Glory to the King, The Stand, From The Inside Out, Shout to the Lord, Everyday, and few more. It was an old playlist that I would use in the past when I lost focus on what was important in life. Well, let me tell you, every single word in every single song spoke directly to my heart and soul. And somewhere in the midst of listening to this music, I felt the Lord's presence completely surround me and a warm rush of overwhelming love and compassion overtook my whole being. Now I'm not a religious guy and don't want to be. Religion tends to have a real negative connotation with me. People have done really horrible things in the name of religion and it's the reason Christianity has gotten such a bad rap. So I'm not going to Bible thump here. I'm simply going to share what's going on in my heart right now in hopes that if your going through struggles that you will know that you are not alone. You are loved. You are cared for. You are being held. You are being comforted. Even if you can't see it, feel it, or even believe it. We have a mighty God that gives no thought to time, space, circumstance, or any other worldly barriers. He is with you always. Especially in those dark places when you feel the most lost. "Hey Jay, I've heard all that religious mumbo jumbo before... how is this applicable... if I can't see, hear, or feel His presence, what good does that do me?" You know, your absolutely right. I hate it when someone feeds me a lot of religious-speak without giving me some way of accessing it in some tangible way.... so I'm going to lay out what worked for me.
Since I was driving, I used music that broke through my self-consuming ..stuff.. and opened my heart to Him. It was music that had messages within it that gave my heart, mind, and soul, nowhere else to go but to my Creator. For others it might be diving into the Word, watching a sermon online, walking out into the woods and throwing your arms open wide and asking the Creator of the universe to hold you close, or dropping to your knees in heart felt prayer. You've got to immerse yourself in Him. The thing is, we have a God that wants to comfort you... to have a relationship with you. It's why you are here. It's why you were created. All the other stuff in life is just fluff, even that stuff that you feel is weighing you down. It's fluff. It's circumstance. It's all just variables in an equation that leads to the same answer: Jesus Christ. The One who gave it all so that you would never have to handle these burdens alone.
So let's get back to the conclusion of my story... I'm trying to drive and come to terms with the fact that the Creator of Everything cares so much about me screw-up like me that He would take the time to put His arms around me and let me know that I am indeed loved and cherished.
I found joy, comfort, grace, truth, and love from my Father above in the midst of immense pain and anguish. Even though I have treated Him horribly, He was there for me in such a huge way that I had to pull over to clear the tears.
My point is, He IS there for you too. I don't care if you're in the most deep dark place of your life and you feel so distant from God that you feel that there is no way he could know you even exist.. He IS there with you, you just have to open yourself up to it. Immerse yourself in Him. Dive deep. It makes all those hardships and struggles seem insignificant. If you don't believe me, try it. You just have to be sincere and humble. I promise with all my heart you won't be disappointed. Double your money back.... Guaranteed.
And listen, if you are still feeling alone and you want to talk, I'm here. Even if we haven't talked in 20 years, or left things on not-so-great terms, I'm here. We are the body of Christ and we are suppose to be there for each other in a tangible way . I don't want you to feel alone.. cause it sucks... and it's simply not true. You are loved. Just remember that.
Thank you Lord Jesus for being there for me when I don't deserve it. When I've betrayed you, forgotten you, been disobedient, and failed you in every way...You're grace and mercy know no bounds. What an awesome, patient, and loving God you are! I love you. Good night.
