Thread: When he confesses to cheating with someone you know.
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When he confesses to cheating with someone you know.
Posted : 2 May, 2013 12:36 PM
After a 21 year marriage and a 26 year relationship my husband confessed he cheated on me with someone I know. As a christian woman I tend to wonder if I have to continue with this marriage, forgive yes, but to continue being married to him. As the saying goes, you can forgive but never forget...I'm afraid that this is exactly what happens to me no matter how much I pray about it I find myself thinking of this...how can a godly man do such a thing to me? :angeldevil:
On top of what he did before confessing this he actually moved out of the house exactly one month prior to his confession. Now maybe things would have been different had he confessed instead of moving out first because now it seems that its harder for him to make the decision in coming back to work thru this...and second because during the time he tried to make it seem I was the reason why he was moving out.
Due to this I have requested the divorce. He hasn't asked for a second chance or has even attempted to talk about it since that day.
Should I try to work things out even though my heart has been severely broken or should I just let him go since he moved out and left to begin with??
When he confesses to cheating with someone you know.
Posted : 2 May, 2013 03:41 PM
Do you *want* to continue with him? It sounds like you don't, so you'll be relieved to hear that unfaithfulness is an acceptable reason for divorce according to the Bible. Having said that, it doesn't say you must divorce and if you can continue, even if it means biting your lip, then that's preferable all round. The book of Hosea illustrates almost exactly this situation and if you haven't made your mind up, then I'd read it first.
Finally, whether you continue together, or marry someone else down the line, it'd be good for you to know why he's cheated (not that it excuses it) so that changes can be made to avoid it happening again.
When he confesses to cheating with someone you know.
Posted : 2 May, 2013 10:10 PM
dkj...I have asked where did I fail and he just says that I didn't, that I'm a wonderful woman and that he just messed up big time.
See this woman unbeknownst to me has been in love with my husband for many years so when she came in contact with him last year she meddled until she was able to give him some weeks of undivided attention while I was at work...she would visit him at his work, take him coffee and sweet bread, and just let him know how much she still loved him...until she got what she wanted, offered, and he gave in.
It hurts to know that he did this and it hurts more to know that I know her.
Even if I didn't feel it was over, he obviously does and this is where I'm having or maybe was having a hard time accepting it.
And thank you for the advice, I will definitely read the bible book you recommended.
When he confesses to cheating with someone you know.
Posted : 3 May, 2013 02:18 AM
I'm not really satisfied with his explanation: there's always a reason even if it's not obvious, even to himself. He needs to think deep about why he acted like that - if he's happy with your marriage, the frequency and quality of sex, etc. then it makes no sense for him to act like this. You say she kept trying until she got her own way which implies he'd been resisting her at least initially, and afterwards he has regret over it, so it's not like it's no big deal to him.
Also if he feels that the marriage is over and is making no attempt to fix it, (especially as he moved out before he even admitted the affair) that suggests to me that he wasn't really happy with it and doesn't feel it worth saving in it's present form. He may not have been wanting to be unfaithful, but she was offering something he needed which is why I said knowing the reason is vital for the future, whether with him or someone else.
It's important to realise that I'm offering this without knowing either of you, and only from a man's perspective which not all men will share. I'm also not excusing his behaviour, but don't want it to just be written off as "the way men are" - most of us take our vows seriously so something must have gone badly wrong for us to break them.
When he confesses to cheating with someone you know.
Posted : 15 May, 2013 10:59 PM
I'm not saying your marriage is beyond repair. Only you and God can know that. However, for me, cheating is never, ever acceptable. Not everyone sees things the way I do but in my mind cheating is the end. If he wanted to salvage the marriage he would have talked to you before cheating and if he had any respect for the marriage he would have at least divorced first and then slept with her. Like you said, forgiveness is important ... Acceptance is not.
When he confesses to cheating with someone you know.
Posted : 16 May, 2013 04:19 AM
My ex was unfaithful to me and she ended up being the one to file for divorce. Even though I felt that I was the good one and she was the bad one I latter came to realise that there were things she needed from me that I was to imature to give her relationally.
We actually remarried a few years latter and she is once again gone.
You had made vows to him before God. It is your integrity on the line to determine if you are going to maintain your vows.
This is the plain and simple reality. Love honor and cherish is sickness and health for richer or poorer till death do us part. Their is no exception clause.
The scripture that gives permission if you read it properly is to give permission because the one doing the divorcing has a hardened heart.
Jesus said becuase of the hardness of your hearts...Whos hearts? The reader's heart right. God permitted Moses to give a bill of divorce. Meaning the government ( Moses) allow the divorce to take place.
But God is about forgiveness and reconcilliation through repentence. Your husband needs to repent and in relationship ask God to reveal to you where you need to repent also.
I had some really big areas I needed to repent even though I had maintained my vows. We are blind people and without our submission to God and seeking His will over our hurt we will end up on a path to destruction.
Do you know today my ex is in a far worse disfunctional relationship and I have found a good godly woman who we have a very intimate relationship spiritually and emotionally.
Our decisions matter for our future and your matters today.
When he confesses to cheating with someone you know.
Posted : 28 May, 2013 09:50 AM
First of all my sister, i'm very sorry for your experience. You don't deserve to be going through that especially since he admitted that you're a wonderful person.
You've mentioned that he said "he messed up." which I think its very good of him to note & admit. Things work out better if one see's & acknowledges his/her faults, unlike you pointing out things that the next part doesn't see them as a treats or stumbling blocks in a relationship.
However I think you'll be better of out of this marriage. Reason i'm saying this its because, MEN ARE ORDAINED BY GOD to be leaders, they should be on the driving seat in relationships'/marriages, we weman are meant to be their helpers. Now how do you help someone who won't cooperate with you when puttin efforts in helping him? That surely means he doesn't need you.
Trust me I don't mean to sound harsh on you my sister. At times its not even a question of whose at fault & whose innocent in a relationship, its more of the willingness to carry on from both parties after faults have been noted & even acknowledged. You said "he says nothing about fixing things when you brought forth the subject divorce."
Silent speaks volumes often times. Carrying on like he does now, do you think that's a leader? & how do you do your helping part if your leader won't communicate? Already there's disorder instead of God's protocall in marriages. The moment one part doesn't see eye to eye with the next part or unwilling to work things out, its no longer a relationship. It takes two willing individuals to both do their parts in having a peacefilled relationship. If one part has pulled our, this will only strain the willing part who still puts efforts invain.
My God restore your joy & mend your broken heart as He see's you through this tough period of your life ..... All the best dear !!
