I've never been alone. I went from my mom and dad's, to living with my ex wife, to living with susan. I mean there's been short periods of time like when I was in florida for a few months, or when susan would go to ohio, but I have never had the ALONE in my forseable future.
Alot of people are alone.
Am I hanging onto my marriage so I don't have to be alone? Am I better off without everything that comes with that marriage? I am weighing the benefits and drawbacks of *loosing* my wife alot lately. This woman has left me 4 times now. Cheated on me multiple times. I have never had the security I should have had.
The deciet, the lies, the double standards, the financial irrisponsability , the cold heartedness, the lack or spiritual support and partnership.... who needs it.
Now someone else gets to inherit all those problems. Lucky guy. Man i thought my first wife was bad.... yeesh.
So as a husband how was I? Would she have been a better wife if I had been a better husband? How the heck will I ever know that? I can guess the answer is yes... but I may have been a better husband if she had been a better wife. I ended up with her under very bad circumstances, wrong circumstances. I have madi and sammy now, thank God for them, but maybe this season is at an end.
I know what I did wrong and what I did right. I won't make the same mistakes again. I'll just make new ones, of course. but I'll sure try harder. How long is it going to take me to heal? How long will it take to find someone new? I thought I already did... but that's another story. I know I am not the greatest guy, I know I can be arrogant and self centered. I know I can go off in my own little world.
I always liked alone time, to get away and do *my thing* well, haha.... now that's all I have. I was distant too often, too often about myself and not INVOLVED.
I am paying a very high price for alot of wrong decisions over the last 8 years. So are my kids. all of them. My wife started out a young sweet girl. Now she is... gone.
I have all these pictures on the walls around me of how things used to beand could have been and remained. Part of me wants to take them down,part of me wants the reminder. That was a huge part of my life. I'll never get over her by turning away from what was. I have to face those
demons head on and feel all the emotions and not hide from them. God give me the strength to let go and heal. and let me cry.
I read your post under Facing My Demons and your profile and I have to tell you that I really appreciate your willingness to pour your heart out. Just know that you've got one more person praying that the Lord will continue to bring about healing and restoration in your life. You are doing exactly what God wants you to do in your situation, and that is to respond to the pain that He allowed by crying out to Him. Keep it up. He is Faithful to His Word and He will deliver you. The Lord is merciful and you will once again see brighter days ahead. I believe that He has created this atmosphere to inspire a deeper worship experience out of you...I predict that a powerful Worship song may come out your trials. Then, others who have yet to experience hearbreak will also benefit from your testimony one day.
