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The hard hearts that breaks others...
Posted : 27 Aug, 2011 10:18 AM
I wont go into the details of the extreme past other than to ask how many of you grew up in a family who was distant except when they were trying to kick you to death?
I grew up with two half brothers from different fathers who were 14 and 16 years old than me. I also grew up as 42% of todays children do today, without their paternal father. I was never told much about my father annd didn't know his name until I needed my birth certificate to join the Army. What I was told beyond that is that my father was shot to death in another state while looking for work. Due to the beatings that were getting more and more severe I was forced to run away from home and as the state kept returning me home running from home was a way of life. Who wants to get beat to death just for being an unwanted kid? The street life was not user friendly and I couldn't continue being sent back home as the beaatings were worse than the last. Breaking the law was the only way to keep from getting sent back there, so I did, over and over. Once infected with this lifestyle it is most difficult to change ones life. These criminal behaviors of mine continued into my adult life and I ended up in more trouble than I care to explain. But allow me to say that in the eyes of many, I am most undesirable.
Skipping the next 20 years of repeated heartaches I will move to the greatest failure of my life. I was working in the communications field, making good money and i had been asking a close so-worker and friend to introduce me to his sister. For months he would not even hear it. I wondered and asked him if I wasn't good enough for his sister. He finally introduced us and after a year of dating I asked her to marry me, she said yes. I told her brother, my friend that she and I were getting married, his reply was " you don't want to do that". He wouldn't say anything else and would talk about it after that. Now anyone with half a brain would have run as fast as they could. I felt however as I had made a commitment and should honor that, and her. This person had suffered and hidden from me some terrible molestations during her childhood whic of course was the sourse of serious emotional problems which I saw shortly after we were engaged. Our marriage lasted 4 years before she found someone else took our son and left. Her and her family has much money and could afford the very best lawyers. I found myself without visitation rights with our son whom I havent seen since, she left December 30, 2005. I also found myself in jail twice for trying to see our son whom she kept from me. All I ever wanted was the family that I never had. I had been away from the Lord spiritually from many years, and during one of my trips to jail found myslf broken and crying out to the Lord. This was the beginning of my walk in Christ. " And God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose".
Anyway, heartbreak and suffering has been the way of life since thiis divorce, but I know now that my end is sure, I know I will spend eternity with Jesus. I am still broken in more ways than one and slowly the Lord is rebuilding me, to and for His glory.
I am indeed thankful for CDFF which has allowed me much healing. For years I wouldn't even talk to women, and now that there is healing I find that my past and the brokeness that comes with it is undesirable to most women. I don't blame anyone except myself for that. This is also true concerning my failed marriage aas it was my responsibility to lead my family to and in the Lord. I failed to do this and those who are innocent suffer because of my failures. I've dated only once in the 5 1/2 years since my ex left. I have spent most of those years living in the wilderness, still homeless. Why do I say all this? I say this because I know that their are others out their and even here on CDFF who have been betrayed but the same people who once said I love you. That, plus what do I have to loose? Nothing from nothing equalls nothing. If I can say that through all this that My faith and hope in Christ is stronger than ever before, how many will gain renewed strength in the spirit? Know this, a man who wrote most of the new testament knew about suffering much more than I, and he wrote, " For to you it has been granted for Christ sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake.....
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