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My Heart was Shattered " Part 2"
Posted : 31 Dec, 2009 06:12 PM
A thousand tears stream down my face, puddles of water at my feet, makeup running down my cheeks. shirt soaking wet.,
Ignorance and hurtfull words have been thrown at me so often that I feel I cannot stand up without collapsing at times. My bones feeling like rubber bands as I feeel defeated.,
In some strange way these individuasl actually feel that slandering me is somehow benefiting me and improving my life ...
I should be thinner, i should be shorter, I should be different. My body should be more like " Barbie".
For heaven's sakes. I am 50 yrs old. I am not 20.
I didn't realize I was so repulsive.
If you want a 20 yr old, please go after them and stop expecting me to be 30 yrs younger. It is humanly impossible.
Leave me alone..
So to escape the unreal world I join a Christian site and find that there is no escaping it here either..
What on earth do people feel the need to send me such horrible notes to my message centre. What have i possibly done to them?
CDFF banning these individuals each and every day from messaging me. Constant in my everyday life.
I guess the question from me would be- why?
No matter what past strengths I have developed and equipped myself with, no amount of experience I have aquired over the years, protects me from unkind, harsh, gestures and words.
Such mental torture.
They are like a sword slicing right through my spirit.. erasing all means of protection for my heart.
No amount of life experiences, cheek turning or praying can protect me from the unkind words of others.
Character assassination is really what it is.
I have been through many battles in life. My struggles deep.
I have always come out on top with God holding my hand- always.
Yet tonight on New Years Eve, a time of renewal and freshness, I feel to be the ugliest , homliest, most thought distorted, unlikeable, unloveable most hideous of all God's creations on the planet. All because of a few individuals.
I feel I cannot present myself to the world in a positive fashion this evening. So I stay hidden in my"home". and alone .
I am not looking for pity or words of comfort.
I just want to be able to express freely how such words can have such a profound affect on ones life.
Especially when they are said to one repeatedly.
I will recover from this too, however, my heart I know will be just that much harder..
Sad really don't you think?
For once again.. my heart is shattered..
:angel: M
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