Today I watched my mom eat. She ate slowly, chewing every bite extremely well before swallowing. She then took a drink to help it go down. We had pizza, and the kids and I were done long before she had taken three bites. The tumor is coming back.
I realize it's four in the morning, I'm tired, and my emotions are running high, but I'm not ready for this. I thought I would have another year at least with her, and a year is a long time to put off thinking about the inevitable. But now it's hitting me head on that the cancer is back, full force. She has made the decision to starve to death when she can no longer swallow at all. She will refuse another feeding tube. When the cancer was first detected (because she was having a hard time swallowing), it was a few months before they put in the tube. I looked it up, and dying by starvation takes 1-2 weeks. That's it. 1-2 weeks. So from the moment that she can no longer eat or drink, I will be able to almost time her death. And judging from the onset of the last time she couldn't swallow, she may not make it past Christmas. And I thought I had another year. I'm just not ready for this.
I want to go back in time - I want to slap my 15-year-old face for thinking she might be an embarrassment to me at the store. I want to go to bed when she told me to, instead of staying up and making her lose sleep. I want to go back and take her advice - wait for some things, and not hold back for other things. I want to take back all the times I lied to her and did stuff behind her back. I want to take back all the times I wouldn't open up to her, although she wanted to be there for me, because I thought she was too old and just wouldn't understand. In reality, she understood...and waited to pick up the pieces. I know many times she may have thought she could have been a better parent to me. I realize now that's not true. I could have been a better kid to her.
I'm an adult. I know the pain of childbirth, I know the pain of divorce, I know the pain of life's curve balls. But in facing this, I feel like I'm eight years old again, asking my mom what would happen if she would die. And I can still hear her response: "You don't ever need to worry about that. I'll live forever." Typical response to an eight year old, but at 42, I still want to know what I'm going to do without her.
Am I okay? No, I'm not. I think about the end - when she's in the hospital in the last days. Will she grab my hand and tell me she's not ready yet? Will she cry and be afraid? And worst of all, will she try to protect me and only cry when she's alone? I think we reach a time when you're not only the child, but you also become the parent to your parent - you have the same fierce love and protective instincts that you do with your own children. How can I look at her and tell her everything will be okay through tears? How can I calm her if she's afraid of letting go, especially when I want to hang onto her? Will I be able to hold myself together when I know it's nearing the end, when what I need to do is be strong? And what is strong, anyway? Trying to make her believe that death is no big deal? It is a big deal. It's huge.
Call this a momentary lack of faith, call it being human. I don't know. I believe she will be with Christ when she dies - I have no doubts about that. But it's the transition that scares me. And if you're truly honest with yourself and have ever thought about or faced your own mortality, the transition scares us all. Eternity was placed in our hearts - not in our minds.
Anyway, all of that didn't post here but I wrote an article about my sweet mom's home going called "See You at the Party"~~I will send you a copy if you'd like it and p.m. me with your email. Lots of hugs to you hun~~))))))):purpleangel:~~joey
Dearest Linnie 41. I was on someone's profile and saw his comments to different posts and decided to read this one. And am so very happy and grateful that I did! I cannot begin to tell u how ur story moved me and am not the least bit ashamed to tell you that I didn't just get teary eyed but, cried like a baby when reading this.:rolleyes: No, I have not gone thru anything like what u went thru so I cannot sit here and tell u that I can relate, cuz I can't. I can however relate to the feelings of regret that u have. I have handed them up to God; but, it was a looong road.
Even tho I can't relate ur story did do something for me tho, and that is make me even more grateful to God for all my blessings and also humbled me, which I actually pray for quite a bit. I think all of us can get so wrapped up in our own lives and problems that we forget that there's always someone out there going thru much worse or, at the very least, the same.
I don't remember the exact date on ur post but, do remember it was 2009 so I imagine ur mom is gone by now. I pray that you and ur family are well!
Ty so much for sharing ur story and God bless u and ur family!
