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I allowed my heart to be conquered, only to be shattered...
Posted : 20 Jun, 2011 04:59 PM
I can't lie and say I was inlove with him (no, i didn't love him, but i had feelings for him) but i cared for him so... Thing is, i still think of him as a fine man, a godly man and a man of great respect... i just need to let this out i suppose...
I met him here on the dating site some months ago but for reasons i told him we can only be friends (making it clear why) but we would constantly text, and talk on yahoo messenger and he would say things like "if I had a woman like you as my wife i'd be the happiest man" and thingsof the like... i would tell him "don't tease me so, cos ill fall inlove with you" hed say "but i mean it, you are a jewel"...
I would tell him time and time again (really to remind myself) we shall only be friends, but the way he treated me, his character, love for the lord, just who he is began to melt my heart... i'd ask him questions about marriage and personal questions hed answer, hed ask me the same thing i'd answer... i began to fall for him slowly... he would say "only thing stopping us is - - (not gonna say) from being together if we could"...
A few weeks ago i couldn't contain myself i allowed my heart to let go feelings for him, it was a free like moment... i took my feelings (i've never felt before) seriously that i asked my parents for their blessing/permission to let him know my feelings... my daddy said yes but had a feeling "mija... I have a bad feeling hes going to break your heart... are you sure he is interested in you" I said "oh yes daddy without a doubt, he says what he means, he is THAT kind of man... i wouldn't tell him my feelings without being certain silly!" sigh... :(
I decided to tell him my feelings cos i was the one tosay we could only be friends... so... i took a week to fast/pray... then last week i had an idea to surprise him by publicly telling him via my profile he has conquered my heart... i choose him. Oh it was romantic that guys messaged me saying "oh, he beat us to you", my dad was pleased and even said "i wont be surprised if he comes here this week", i was so happy...
after he read it he didn't say anything to my surprise but ok thats fine hes in shock, and busy with ministry things no problem he'll let me know soon... then i had to ask him what he thought (a red flag was up and alarm sounded in my heart)... we spoke daily for a few days... then today he TEXTED me and said after much prayerhes not the man for me butwould like to remain friends... it felt like a brick hit me in the chest...
I just texted "ok" back. what else was i to say??? I felt humiliated, lead on, i trusted him he was the one i chose, for i thought he wanted me, but i was unsure then when i finally knew it was he who i wanted... i was put to a hault... butok fine... he rejected me though now i'm confused from the way he treated and spoke toe me in the past... but what made me feel worthless, like a pearl thrown to the side was that he TEXTED me no... not a phone call or an email... but a casual text... oh my heart shattered...
i told him all of this after the "ok" text, of course he was sorry i know he was hes very honest... but... oh how i wanted him. i thought he wanted me... i'm so confused and hurt... i don't know whatto think... if i didn't think he was serious about me why would i write suc things i had on my profile to him publicly (via profile) and romantically if i didn't think hed say yes to my changeof heart toward him???
I don't know what to think... oh... i've never felt this pain before in all my life (25 years of being single)... i've guarded my heart DEEPLY until i met him, i allowed my heart to open to what he told me, treated me, who he was... then i was said no too (which hnestly i can accept, i'm a woman i can.) via text (i can't accept... i felt worthless and humiliated cos he sent a no via text). sigh... thing is i still care for him he deserves such happiness and blessings and a wonderful wife... but idon't understand... i'm confused...
i encourage men to not be romantic (even in a teasing manner) for women like me can take it to heart, for we can believe what you say even if you don't mean it... i'm one who says words and mean it... have feelin behind it... i want to be treated the same.
Hes a wonderful man, i still wan the best for him... i just never want to be lead on like this ever again... and if i'm going to be rejected (hey thats life!) please... if i'm worth something to your friendship. of some value...please... not via text.
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