I never dreamed I would ever be divorced. I kept my virginity until I was 36 years old until I got married. God has always been first in my life. I met her in Seminary where we were both studying for ministry so I thought I was safe. A little over a year ago, I found out she had been lying to me about where she was going at night and the weekends. There was not night job or a friend in Canada whom she was visiting. I can't tell you how badly I was crushed. I had to go to work each day knowing that my wife was with someone else. I balled my eyes out every day crying out to God for help. And even though I had a right to divorce her (Matt 5:32; I Cor 7:15), I chose to stick it out. For months, I lived in the deepest depression I could ever imagine. I begged God to save her. That's still my biggest pain. Now it's not that she doesn't love me, but that she doesn't love God. But as God saved my brother the night before he unexpectedly died, I know God can save her.
I thank God for making a little sense of the situation by the help I was able to provide some of the people on this site, by His marvelous grace. But it does not take away the lonliness that is often present. In this situation, it would have been better to have not loved than to loved then lost.
Hi Jon, I read about your shattering divorce. I believe that horrible things happen to good,God fearing people. I`m glad to know that you have come out of the dark, days of depression, and now you are a blessing unto others.
After my divorce,I told God that it`s hard to live knowing that the other person is still around and you can`t have them, and they don`t want your God but you still love them so...it does take time to heal and move forward.
I read some of your answers to Biblical questions which readers have posted to you. Keep up the good work brother.
May The Lord Jesus Christ Biess You Abundantly In Every Area of Your Life and also bring that someone who was espcially designed for you into your life as your wife.
Lotsalove2give I am sorry for your pain. It does take time to heal and move on. The only thing you can do is take what you learned from this experience and grow.
In the last while I have been very interested in what makes a relationship work. I feel I have learned a great deal from my own experiences and those around me. All though it is never right to cheat usually it is not just the cheater at fault. It seams that people don't usually cheat when they are getting there needs meet from there spouse. Now I am not talking about sexual needs but the emotional needs. The intimacy and the attention. The cheating is usually just the symptom of a relationship that was not well maintained. Those men that have had wives that stop giving sex have not been meeting her needs. That is why she does not want to be sexual and intimate with you.
We humans are naturally going to do what it takes to survive. This also includes our emotional side. If the relationship we are in is not bringing happiness then we will naturally start to look for a source of happiness. The drive is so strong that even people with the best intentions can slip away.
A very close family member of mine is on the verge of divorce. She had an affair and now her husband is wanting out. Since she cheated he has started to seek out other ladies. She was such a good girl. Didn't sleep with any one before mirage. Good christian. I would never have expected her to do this. From speaking to her and knowing the husband I can see how it happened. He took her for granted. He ignored her and was very immature. She needed attention and when some one came along she was swept off her feet. This new guy didn't care. He didn't want more then some fun.
Too often people start to take each other for granted. They put the work into getting the person but don't do any work to keep them. A relationship is like a garden. It takes constant work and care. If you get lazy and put things off it will get away from you. Some times people will stay together but be unhappy. This still is not a good functioning marriage.
You can not force some one to be faithful. The best way to try and have them to be is for them to be so much in love with you that they notice no one else.
So you have to be in constant awareness of your actions or lack of. Give out complements and encouragement even if you don't feel like it. Even if you don't feel like being affectionate make the time. Make sure to give enough hugs and kisses. Once a month do some thing special and romantic like a weekend away. It doesn't have to be huge just special.
Never take the relationship for granted. Always be on your toes and make the time. If not you might not get cheated on but your relationship will fail.
Your all so busy trying to find a relationship but how many are really going to put in the work it takes to keep a relationship strong?
There is no excuse for it though. Just because someone isn't perfect doesn't mean I should sin/give up. I know humans are weak and circumstances make them weaker, but even if someone purposely makes me insanely angry all the time, it's still my fault if I kill them. If there's something someone else has that I really really need/want, it's still my fault if I steal it. If my future wife doesn't fill my every need, it's still my fault if I cheat on her. I have a responsibility to do the right thing, no matter what anyone else does, and I can't blame it on anyone else....not even a little bit.
I did my best. I never went out anywhere without her. I didn't need to go out and spend time with the "guys". I didn't buy stuff for myself. Every luxury was for her. I spent all my time going to work, school and homwork, and some time relaxing surfing the net. I honestly tried to be the best husband I could. I did not ignore her.
Lotsalove2give ok I did not mean to add pain to what you must be feeling already. My intention was to give advice to people to hopefully not have that happen to them.
I am sure that you really did try to do your best. Usually when I have discussed peoples relationships more things come out that they had not noticed. Problems and reasons that the relationship failed.
You said you didn't go out with the boys and it sounded like you provided for her. Some times it's other things that cause the marriage break down. Women don't usually cheat if they are happy with there husbands. After all women usually give sex for love.
Was she intimate with you? Did you guys do things together? Fun things that brought you two closer? Were either of you very busy with your work or schooling?
My parents were not doing good in there marriage long before they divorced. They had nothing in common and didn't make the effort to find things to do that they could both enjoy. When my mother started to work nights they really never saw each other. It was not a surprise when we found out that my father was having an affair.
In my opinion there is always a lesion to learn in a failure. There must be some thing to learn from this one.
My best wishes for you really and I only give advice because I care. I figure with all the mistakes I have made there must be some advice to pass on.
surely, it will be a good lesson that no matter hw good we are to such people..things happen for a purpose..we may not understand it...and the challlenge is how we respond to it..whether to tke it negatively or postively..
i was heart broken and just started to move on..i understand hw it feels to feel weaker...hw it feels to feel the pain..there's no way out but to face for it..i took the challenge...now..with God's strenght, i will be a winner..
I wasnt into divorce..im still single, nver been married..Glad to knw all those lessons u shared..
I used my time, resources and energy to be the best husband I could be. When somone says to you, "I don't know how we can be married when we don't like the same food", even though I always went to the restaurants she wanted, there really isn't much you can do with that kind of mentality. She wouldn't cook, even when she wasn't working. There is so much more I can say. Sometimes, no matter how much one side gives and how much one side tries, there is nothing that can be done.
Interesting post Lotsalove2give. It seems you have done your best, just that your best wasn't good enough for her to stay. I think it is her loss not yours. I hope next time you find someone who appreciate and value your effort.
I would like to quote i_live_in_canada, she said above:
"Too often people start to take each other for granted. They put the work into getting the person but don't do any work to keep them."
While searching and dating we tend to put the effort, then in keeping the one we found, we seem to put less of the effort. It is really true also here in on line dating. Maybe the other person meet someone during those times that you were not on line and while waiting for you to get on line? Oh my, possibilities are just few clicks away... easy to be too late.
