I have been seen a great gal for 6 months whom I love like I have never loved another in my life. Her ex-husband was found out to have cheated with woman, men, animals and their young daughter. When shel and I spend time together we are great. She talks about getting married, etc. I see God moving. But then she ends up freaking out later and worrying that I will end up like this other guy and she fears getting closer because she would rather be single than to worry about all of that again.
She loves God with all her heart but she is just living in fear.
What do I do? I have proven to her over and over that I am an honorable man. We love each other. But this is wearing me out :-)
While her fear may certainly be "justified", it also sounds like she needs some counseling to help her get past those fears. I'm not sure that it's your job to suggest that to her, though. (Your job is to keep on showing her that you are NOT and will NEVER be like that other man.) Do you know any of her close girl friends or an older mentor well enough to ask them to suggest some counseling in a non-threatening way?
She has trust issues, and trust issues are very hard to overcome. The other person (you) can assure and demonstrate until the cows come home, but the person with the trust issues (her) has to make the choice to trust. Sometimes people need counseling to help them do just that.
Greg, I will NOT answer with all the Biblical truths we know concerning fear, but continue to rely on those for you and her.
I will encourage you to continue to go gently and patiently with her. She has been traumatized. You have been chosen by our Father to minister to her hurting soul. YOU will be the one to remind her about His Grace when she feels consumed by memories. YOU will be the one to help her claim His Strength when she is too weak. YOU will be the one to wrap your arms around her protectively when she feels assaulted by her past.
She will be tempted to push you away thinking you will leave her. It is a defense mechanism! You go ahead and push right back!!!!!
During his time of preferring drugs over me, my ex acted almost repulsed by me. For several years during our marriage, he would not touch me. I mean, he would not even accidently brush up against me or touch something at the same time I did. It took many years for me to come out from under the oppression of self-loathing. After all, if my husband rejected me, then I must have done something to deserve it.
I am loved and encouraged now by someone who can't seem to get enough of me. And I enjoy giving all the attention I can right back to him. I look back at my trials as a necessity that God allowed for the time so I would become more in awe of Him and His Healing. I am better equipped to love and be loved. I believe my future husband is enjoying the rewards that have come from his patience and faith.
Thank you. I know you understand what is going on. She gets close to me and talks about "Greg, if we were married...." almost daily. But then she gets up one day and says she felt too close to me when we were watching a movie or I missed you so much this morning and it scared me. She does try to push me away when she gets too close.
So you said that when she pushes me away I push back. How do I push back in love without looking like I am being "pushy" :-) ya know?
Greg, I apologize for not expanding on "push right back." I am so glad you asked.
She will think pushing you away IN ANTICIPATION OF YOU LEAVING is a logical and defensive option. After all, the enemy will remind her of her past...and he is very unrelenting. ( In no way do I make a judgment concerning her faith or spiritual maturity. Nor will I limit the healing power or timing of Christ. People who are traumatized need to walk with the Lord and heal and repair and, if possible forget at His pace. I get very annoyed when I read an opinion that the reason someone appears to be suffering or has not been cured is always faith-based...like we are being punished for lack-of-faith. Nonsense! We may be faithful in Abrahamic proportions, yet if we are to have a relationship with our Father we must realize that mental and emotional issues are allowed by Him just as any other. Suffering is His gift, too, for whatever drives us to our knees is a personal victory. He will stop at nothing to help us grow, learn, and be useful to others. I grew so very weary and stumbled often when I was confronted with the "Oh if you have faith the Lord will restore your marriage" by Christians. I had faith; I asked God to save my marriage and to show me what I needed to do in obedience to Him. It was not possible to save my marriage at the point it had erroded to. If it was, God would have done it. So, my responsibility was to lean on what I knew was scriptural fact and not what I was feeling. It did not mean I was released from feelings...we are people of feelings. But I knew that no matter how sinful I was, MY Father loved me and wanted what was best for me. ) Why is it well-meaning Christians can offer sympathy to a person with cancer who is enduring chemo and radiation or be more accepting of physical afflictions, yet when it comes to mental or emotional afflictions feel the oppressed person is bringing it on themselves?
Anyway, when she pushes you away, you push back with all the love and patience you can. What my beloved used very effectively was to: remind me he was not my ex, reassure me he was not going anywhere, encourage me to remember whose daughter I was, comfort me even when he did not understand how I was feeling, remind me how devestating fear is. and NEVER EVER give me cause to feel ashamed when I succombed momentarily.
Time, my dear brother Greg, is what she needs. The frustration is you don't know how much time He is going to take.
And one more observation with some insight. This was a violation on a most sensitive level for a woman...physical intimacy. My poor sister has experienced an abuse that goes to her very core as a woman. She was "replaced" intimately in deviant ways. She will come to a peace and reconcile eventually...she is a Daughter of the Most High! But she and you must be fair and reasonable. All in His Time for His Glory!
I love you both, but joyfully write He loves us all more than we can comprehend.
Wild, this is more than just about adultery. What I think also needs to be addressed is the fact that her daughter was abused by her father. Your girlfriend is going to have a lot of mixed emotions ranging from guilt to mistrust because of what happened to her daughter. You may at times have to remind her that her daughter is safe now and that her ex is not going to be able to touch her. (I'm assuming the father has not visitation privileges.)
You are a wonderful man for sticking by her side through all of this. Don't give up.
There are several books that may help her to overcome some of these issues, and will also help her daughter, when she is a bit older too.
You may want to read them yourself, so you will better understand what she is going through, and be better equipped to talk to her about it in a healing way.
"Beauty For Ashes" by Joyce Meyer
"The Courage To Heal" Book & Workbook
"Lord, I Want To Be Whole" by Stormie Omartian
"The Right to Innocence" by Bevely Engel
And this one will help you to know how to best pray for her.
"The Power of a Praying Husband", by Stormie Omartian
When all else fails, pray these prayers over her. Even though you may not officially be her husband...yet...you still have the spiritual authority to pray for anyone, and by dating her, she is giving you authority by allowing you into her life as a possible spouse.
