I was recently thrust into a relationship with a woman. I was the slower moving of the two of us. What i need help with is getting her to understand that, despite everything we did, i felt my heart telling me to watch out. she claims to be a christian, and i could understand that in her mind, (being older than me) that i was moving real slow. i saw a lot of warnings going off. to me she was overly clingy, not understanding the fact when i asked for space the next day she called several (22) times, and in one of the letters she wrote she actually said she doesn't want to live a day in her life without me... i'm sorry, i really am a good person, but space to me, means i will call you just give me time. she right away after a few days apart started talking about when we get married, and me moving out of where i am living, i am actually quite comfortable here, and similar things. i don't know how to tell her without sounding like a jerk that she actually began to frighten me, please help!!!!!:prayingm:
Be cautious ~ be understanding ~ and quietly wean yourself away from the situation.
When all is said and done ~ saying nothing is taking the higher road. She will soon get the message when you stop answering the phone when she is on the other end.
Don't open the notes/letters she sends and just wait it out.
Sometimes, that is not only the best way ~ but the only way, under certain circumstances.
Attention K-Mart shoppers.... Attention K-Mart shoppers... We have a BUNNY BOILER alert in aisle ten.... I repeat... Bunny Boiler alert in aisle ten......
In a situation like this, I would recommend a phone call..... ONE. And in that phone call, all you simply need to state is that you two are not 'equally yolked' in how you view the rate of speed at which the relationship should progress. And then wish her well and thank her for the LEARNING EXPERIENCE she has given you, and that you will pray for her that God will send her the right type who would like to progress at the same speed.
Do not entertain, nor feed into any emotional play or drama that she will try to invoke in your direction in an attempt to manipulate your 'guilt'. Your spirit (intuition) is already telling you what is right.
After phone call is made, Entertain no more texts, phone calls, or emails, no matter how persistent.... and pray she doesn't come knocking on your door.
There is validity to the old phrase.... "Ignore it and it will go away..."
Unless of course, you were dating Glenn Close....
I DO have ONE question that has sparked my curiosity in your dilemma: During this brief interlude with this woman, was sex actually involved, even in your description of 'taking it slow'? Because some men are slightly off in THEIR perception of what "taking it slow" means. A lot of men separate the "sex" part from "relationship" part. It's sort of like...."shoot first, ask questions later".
And though you don't have to answer it here.... it should be answered within yourself, because there is a HUGE lesson to be learned in this if it was. While certain women CAN react in this way if sex wasn't involved, the emotional triggers with a woman are that much more heightened if sex was involved early on due to the levels of oxytocin released in the act.... This is the BONDING CHEMICAL. And in certain women, if they are not spiritually or emotionally sound.... this can lead to serious problems. This is why it's best to not have sex so early on..... even with "Christian women"....
Again...only you know the answer. Even GOOD GUYS make this mistake when in attraction mode. But it's all the more reason to be more discerning next time.
I was thinking the same thing Gomer. And I'll just leave it at what his advice was to you in that regard.
However, I am a sincere believer in being totally honest with everyone! I know it's hard sometimes because we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but it's the right thing to do.
Be completely honest with her. Tell her exactly how you feel, but do it in a nice way. You don't have to call her a Bunny Boiler (:ROFL:), but tell her that God has spoken to you about her and she's just not the right one for you. She cannot and should not, argue with God.
In the future, (this was a hard one for me) do not ignore those "gut feelings" or "red flags" or whatever else you want to call them. Listen to them because that's your discernment kicking in, aka that's God talking to you.
This woman has some issues with control. She doesnt appear to have any boundaries. Tell her nicely that the Lord has another plan for my life according to Jeremiah 29:11 and I wish you the best. And stop all communication asap.
I must confess, I have a hard time with your opening "I was recently thrust into a relationship..." I guess that is how you look at it in hindsight.
I appreciate your intention to find a 'right' way to confront this sister. You have received some amusing, wise, and sensible advice. Know that we are praying for you.
It seems that she is just continuing with her plans and almost oblivious to the fact that you are trying to get her attention. When we focus on something we want, it is very easy to ignore reality. I can see myself as her in a way. Sometimes, I cannot hear "no"; not from God, not from those I love, not from anyone. I am amazed at how blind and deaf I can become. What I have learned is God loves me so very much, He will hold me to my asking Him to guide me, teach me, humble me, walk with me...even when it hurts unbelievably. I feel sorry for those He must work through to reach me, but then they also have made requests from God to help others, be used by Him, etc. I am sensing that this is a trial for both of you. She needs to listen, and you have listened and need to speak. I would just beg you to be lovingly firm and yet gentle. If you have sought out direction from our Father, and He has spoken, then you must obey. That is your responsibility. If she is truly a believer, then her responsibility in this is to hear the truth.
RidleySeaTurtle, this was the best advice I ever heard anyone give.
I sympathize and empathize with the woman... I feel her pain, cause I've been there. And sometimes when you're in love--you're not in love with the person, but inlove with love itself...and you think that that person then rejecting your love means that you are unlovely or unlovable. Which is really not true.
At the same time, telling someone after you've been together for a while, that its just not going to work is extremely hard. When that happened before it really hurt. You almost hate yourself for having to be so mean, and you hate the person for bringing you to the point which makes you have to say those things which need to be said, but which you know you probably could have said in a better way.
That's where Jesus comes in. He heals our hearts. And ultimately, if we trust Him uses those situations to work out in our lives for the better. I know its true, because I've been in both roles, both having to tell someone that the relationship won't work--and have also been the one being informed. Both have worked in my life, and while at the time it was difficult, has strengthened my character.
God loves you, and I know he won't take you around the trial but keep you through it. :) Like he so often does.
These things happen to us all...and sometimes in life, you take the test, then go back and study the course or semester. That's just how it goes sometimes. So don't worry if you really don't know what to do. But I have a feeling, like the other guys said, that loving honesty is the right way to do it. And then, after you've been honest let it die a natural death... and pray for her so that the Lord can heal, strengthen and encourage you.
Don't hate her...I don't know how to say it any other way. If you feel she's trying to control you, or use you through strong emotions... remember that bitterness is like drinking a cup of poison and expecting the other person to die. I've been there. Forgive and love them. Even if what they're doing is wrong. Forgive and go on. Or.... pray as you run... however the Lord leads.
Hope my advice isn't too odd... hope its of some help... God bless.
thanks to you all who have taken time to read and reply i have taken a lot to heart and have made some changes in the way i percieved things and am proceeding as lovingly without being spiteful as i can and hope she understands. she really is a special lady, just maybe not the lady for me and it is still kinda hard for her to understand. the part of being in love with love really struck a chord for me because of some of the things i have learned about her earlier life. i am truly blessed to have such a good support system out here...:applause:
