Thread: View Profile History Oposite Sex Friends Within An Exclusive Relationship Heading Towrards Marriage.
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View Profile History Oposite Sex Friends Within An Exclusive Relationship Heading Towrards Marriage.
Posted : 8 Jun, 2010 05:04 AM
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Oposite Sex Friends Within An Exclusive Relationship Heading Towrards Marriage.
Posted : 11 Sep, 2009 10:53 AM
Should Their be boundaries where oposite sex friends are concerned, to keep the enemy from getting a foothold in a couples relationship or not? And if so what should they consist of?
I agree with Christian Psycologist Kevin Leman`s perspective boundaries. He has just two.
1) The oposite sex friends you were involved with datied/ were engaged too, or were intimate with in any form. Those oposite sex friends need to go. No contact with them. Unless they are the parent of a child in your current situation. And then only contact concerning the children.
2) Oposite sex friends you have never dated or been intimate with you can keep. But there needs to be boundaries their too. They are not allowed to call you or hang out with you without your sigingifent other with you. And you NEVER confide in them about anything concerning your relationshipwith your mate EVER.
I have found this to be a very hot topic with single/divorce,widowed Christian women. They rarely see it as a relationship protection and respect issue.
They almost always view it as a control issue, which it is not intended for. I have not gotten a mans perspective yet on it.
Almost all (93%) Christian couples I talked to about this issue agreed with the boundaries totally.
I welcome everyones viewpoints on this interesting subject.
View Profile History Oposite Sex Friends Within An Exclusive Relationship Heading Towrards Marriage.
Posted : 9 Jun, 2010 04:55 PM
Honestly, if I'm not with an ex, it's for a reason. I've never dated someone and been tempted by past relationships. Then again I've never cheated on anyone, and that's never been a struggle for me.
I see it as a trust issue. If someone has problems focusing on their marriage partner, then sure cut it off. It's better to run from temptation. But if there's no temptation and no desire to be with those opposite sex friends, why would I throw away a friend just because they are the opposite sex?
If I was with someone and they were asking me to stop seeing friends I would see that as an issue in their life. Why do they feel insecure, were they cheated on, how can we both feel comfortable? I would see it as a form of control.
View Profile History Oposite Sex Friends Within An Exclusive Relationship Heading Towrards Marriage.
Posted : 10 Jun, 2010 05:13 AM
Exitlookingup:
I guess you would not be compatible with someone who has been cheated on. And only when that happens to you a number of times will you understand why its not a control issue, and is a trust and respect issue. I would suggest posing this question to the friends that you know have been cheated on and get their opinion. I think you will find it interesting. Thanks for your input.
View Profile History Oposite Sex Friends Within An Exclusive Relationship Heading Towrards Marriage.
Posted : 10 Jun, 2010 03:55 PM
Thank you for the advice. I have dated a few men who have been cheated on, and my best friend's husband cheated on her. We've been walking through it together over the last few months.
The issue is not the OTHER persons friendships...but how the you have been hurt in the past and no longer trust.
If I am in a relationship with a man who has been cheated on, I make sure that I am more open with him. I tell him, "hey I'm hanging out with so and so. You can hang out with us too, remember he's the guy who was my best friend growing up?" This gives him the opportunity to know nothings going on and he knows I have nothing to hide.
I find people are most insecure when they continue to date people who keep their friendships a secret and are hard to trust. If I am scared to tell a bf who I'm hanging out with then it becomes a trust issue.
I have found that guys I've dated feel a sense of healing and are given the opportunity to build trust. They begin to see that it's not about being in control (only God is) and they have nothing to worry about. What a great sense of freedom.
I guess to put myself in your shoes, I would use time spent together. I used to date guys who needed space all the time. The more mysterious they were about it, the more anxious and controlling I became. Then I dated someone who was really open. He took space, but also affirmed that he loved me and was excited to see me as soon as he had time to himself. I started to just enjoy the alone time...and space has no longer been an issue for me. In fact..I rather enjoy my time and encourage bf's to go out with the guys while I get 'me' time. The space wasn't really the issue. It was my insecurity that maybe that man didn't like me. If I had continued to control the people I dated...I would have never worked on my issues.
This is a great topic, I'm glad you brought it up because lots of people have been cheated on, and it affects the relationships they have later.
View Profile History Oposite Sex Friends Within An Exclusive Relationship Heading Towrards Marriage.
Posted : 10 Jun, 2010 04:38 PM
For me personally, I have been cheated on by every woman I ever dated. I went through a faze of controlling which led to a phase of letting them have a much space as they wanted but that left me, in the end not caring at all. I do not mind a little space such as being in another room reading , painting, or going shopping. But my last one did the "girls night out", and they introduced her to someone else, and the rest is history. I should have seen the red flags of her friends not being Christian and her not introducing them too me, but I became too trusting, because I did not want to be controlling. I am not trusting anymore. Now, for me trust has to be earned.
In order for me to be alright with a women`s friends now would require LOTS of time spent getting to know them before I would be alright with a "girls night out" , and they would have to be Christians. I believe in very little "my space" needed. I need to be with someone that has no problem spending major time doing things together. And now I am afraid if I noticed them falling out of that pattern and into a more distant one, I would not get into a huge argument, I would just end the relationship, because I am not going to put myself through another cheating, or seemingly cheating relationship EVER again.
I am going to go with my gut feelings, like I should have done in every prior relationship, but did not. I deserve better! My discernment level has grown so acute since my last relationship, PRAISE GOD! I have found in the last ten years that, at least where I am from Christian women I am physically attracted to have very little, or no FEAR of the LORD, and very little conviction, or morale compass. I refuse to ever settle again! I do not care if I have to remain single the rest of my life. That kind of hurt, I am so done with!
To me the woman I end up with has to be compassionate, and very respectful of my past and be able to work through all that with me, or I will remain single till I see the Lord, and at my age I have no problem with that. This is a relationship breaker for many people who have been cheated on throughout their past, and it takes a VERY understanding woman to adjust to that. I do not think many could care less. Most would just say DAMAGED and move on no matter how far the relationship went on. Many singles are commitment phobic. Well this may have been TMI :glow: But at least it was all honest. Oh yeah honesty gets few points these days too.:rocknroll:
View Profile History Oposite Sex Friends Within An Exclusive Relationship Heading Towrards Marriage.
Posted : 20 Jul, 2010 04:31 AM
After this topic falls off the bottom of my profile, I will not be viewing it unless you contact me, and ask me to do so. I am not much for forums. I just thought it would raise some eyebrows, is all.
