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Dating Versus Biblical Courtship Part 1
Posted : 29 Mar, 2010 04:16 PM
Dating Versus Biblical Courtship Part 1
Author: Unknown
Chapter 5: Dating Versus Biblical Courtship
An area in which many Bible-believing churches (and consequently many professing Christian families) have blindly accepted pagan practices is the area of dating. Because the abandonment of biblical courtship in favor of modern recreational dating has been a disaster for families, churches and society, we need to examine dating from a biblical perspective and analyze the scriptural alternative: father controlled courtship.
In this chapter we will define dating, note its recent origin, give reasons why its practice is unscriptural and in the process present the biblical alternative: father (parent) controlled courtship. For those of us born and raised in America (especially those raised as unbelievers) there may be a temptation to dismiss this topic as "obviously antiquated and absurd." But, as you read this chapter you may be surprised at the clear and abundant biblical evidence for courtship (as scripturally defined).
The Modern Dating Game
What is dating? By the word dating we are referring to the twentieth century phenomenon knows as modern recreational dating. It works something like this. A boy meets a girl, decides that she is pleasing in some sense (e.g., cute smile, sexy body, nice sounding voice, cool friends, groovy car, etc.) and then asks her to go out on a date. If she accepts, the boy will pick her up at a certain time and then (typically) will take her out to dinner, and/or to a movie (or concert, etc.) and then in many cases will park the car in a secluded area and engage in necking and heavy petting. In today's culture "nice girls" will not allow the necking and petting until the second, third or fourth date. In modern America, dating among high school and college students frequently involves booze, drugs and sexual intercourse.
If a boy and girl date for an extended period of time and agree not to date other people then they are "going steady." Going steady (as it is called) is in many ways an adolescent imitation of marriage (e.g., the boy often even gives the girl a ring or necklace). It, however, does not have the protection and real commitment of a marriage covenant and is therefore arbitrary and fleeting. Boys and girls who "go steady" become attached romantically, emotionally, and often sexually. Then when the boy or girl gets bored with the relationship, or get caught cheating or simply decide that someone else is more desirable, the relationship is ended.
Breaking up often involves heartache, anger and has many negative emotional consequences. After a string of failed relationships young men and women can become hard-hearted and distrustful of relationships in general. Thus modern recreational dating leads to a high rate of divorce in society. It trivializes intimacy and supports the hedonistic idea that men and women are playthings that can be tossed aside at will. In modern culture (generally speaking) the person that one marries is simply the last person in a string of relationships that involved emotional and sexual "commitments".
Thus marriage is often viewed as basically a romantic add-on to what has occurred before. Modern recreational dating is not only unbiblical but it has its own negative consequences. The specialness and sacredness of the marriage covenant for many has been lost. It has been cast aside for the sinful foolish pleasures of the modern dating system.
While professing Christians who through ignorance, bad teaching and syncretism with pagan culture are involved in the dating system usually have better motives and intentions than their pagan counterparts (e.g., their goal for dating is not "to score"), all the unbiblical negative aspects of dating (e.g., a lack of real parental oversight; no chaperone; a certain amount of physical intimacy is accepted and expected; emotional, romantic and physical relations are occurring outside of the marital relationship, etc.) still accompany so-called "Christian dating."
Therefore, one should not be surprised that rates of sexual immorality among "evangelical" college students are almost identical to pagan college students. Or that rate of adultery and divorce among professing Christians is also about the same as the general pagan population. The dating paradigm has been a total disaster for American evangelicals.
Why is Dating Wrong?
The reason that the modern recreational dating system has had such negative ethical and social consequences for evangelicals is that it contradicts many biblical principles. In fact the modern dating paradigm is not at all based on the Bible but is rather a by-product of an apostatizing and post-Christian culture. In the nineteenth century (and before) most men and women were brought together and prepared for marriage through a father-controlled process called courtship. By 1930 a cultural paradigm shift occurred by which young adults came to control the process with little or no supervision from parents. Dating and petting became the norm.
The reasons for this shift are manifold. There were socioeconomic factors such as industrialization. Many young men and women moved from small agricultural towns to large cities to work in mills, factories and offices. There was the rise of the motion picture industry that promoted an unbiblical concept of romance and sexuality. Another important factor was the development of the affordable automobile. Automobiles provided young couples with a fast and easy escape from the eyes and ears of their parents.
They provided boys and girls with a weatherproof, mobile, private, couch on wheels. As such, cars became the chief necking centers for teenagers during the twentieth century. The main reason, however, for the shift from courtship to dating was that most churches stopped preaching the whole counsel of God (e.g., God's moral law, covenant headship, etc.) As a result fathers abdicated their biblical responsibility to oversee the relationships of their children and guard them from pagan culture, from acting foolishly and committing evil.
As we consider specific biblical reasons why dating is unscriptural and dangerous we of necessity will be presenting the case for biblical courtship. Although it may appear that dating is the norm for evangelicals today, there are a number of reasons why the Bible condemns such a practice.
1. Modern recreational dating is unbiblical because it tempts the parties involved to commit sexual immorality and often leads to fornication. Because of our sinful natures and because of natural sexual appetites believers should never place themselves in situations that can cause temptation and sin. Believers cannot trust themselves to be alone with an attractive person of the opposite sex especially when that person has a commitment and strong emotional attachment to the one they are with. "Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body." (1 Cor. 6:18).
"For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified. For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness (1 Th. 4:3-7).
Recreational dating presupposes that a certain amount of kissing and touching are acceptable outside of the marriage relationship as long as things do not go too far (e.g., second, third and fourth base). Such thinking, however, is totally contrary to Scripture.
Paul says, "Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband (1 Cor. 71-3).
Paul says unequivocally that it is morally good for a single man not to have sexual relations with a woman. Sexual affection is strictly limited by the apostle to the marriage relationship. Kissing and rubbing various parts of the body are clearly foreplay; they are the normal prelude to sexual intercourse. Although a Christian man would never allow someone to conduct himself in such a manner (i.e., foreplay, sexual touching) with his wife or daughter, he convinces himself that such behavior is somehow acceptable when he is single and the hormones are flowing. He is also ignoring the fact that he is touching someone else's future wife, while at the same time expecting his own future wife to be chaste.
"Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared? So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent" (Prov. 6:27-29).
Sexual touching is forbidden before marriage. Therefore, modern dating is a form of rebellion against God.
Recreational dating (which nearly always involves necking and petting) is condemned by God because it causes illicit lust. Even when a professing Christian couple "make out" but stop while dressed and go their separate ways, they have still filled their minds with unlawful desires.
Paul says, "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" (Rom 12:2).
"Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry" (Col. 3:5).
"That you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts" (Eph. 4:22).
Jesus Himself warned that sexual lust is a violation of the seventh commandment.
"You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Mt. 5:27-28).
Solomon writes:
"Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life" (Pr. 4:23).
To engage in recreational dating is to draw one's own mind and heart away from obedience toward seduction and sin. It is purposeful entering into temptation, a deliberate jumping into a pit of lust and a snare of evil desire. Our Lord commanded us to pray that we not be led into temptation (cf. Mt. 6:13). Can we pray this prayer with sincerity while we deliberately pour gasoline on the ember of lust? All sin begins with an entering into temptation. Therefore, if you fear sin, then you must also fear temptation.
You cannot hat the fruit while you delight in and partake of the root. The reason that dating is so destructive of believers is because when men and women make peace with sinful desires and stimulate them with necking they have already consented to sin in the heart; and, sin in the heart often breaks forth into evil acts. An inner consent with lust always occurs before sinful deeds take place.
"But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death" (Jas. 1:14-15).
Instead of following the modern dating paradigm, we should heed the words of Peter.
"Beloved, I beg you as sojourners and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul" (1Pet. 2:11).
Lust is such a danger to Christians that Paul even warned Timothy, a man of God, to avoid it like the plague.
"Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart" (2 Tim. 2:22.).
How many young Christians have fallen into great sexual sins because they blindly accepted the dating system; because they did not consider the danger of entering into temptation and the sinfulness of inward lust? How many believers have been scarred for life by following the world's method instead of Scripture?
There have been many Christians who have backslid, fallen into grievous sexual sins, repented and been restored. Note, however, that the pain, suffering, and trauma that are the consequences of sin can last for many years, even a lifetime.
"You will never find David dancing after his sin with Bathsheba. Not he; there was not dance in him after that! He limped to the day of his death" (C. H. Spurgeon).
Sexual attraction is natural and normal. God made us with the ability to respond in this way. So, those raised in Christian homes shouldn't be fooled into thinking they won't be tempted in a dating situation.
"Let him who thinks he stands, take heed lest he fall" (1 Cor. 10:12).
"A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished" (Prov. 22:3).
"He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but whoever walks wisely will be delivered" (Prov. 28:26).
2. Another particularly troublesome aspect of the dating paradigm is that believers are trained to confuse lust and strong emotions with genuine biblical love. When a Christian young man takes out a young woman and causes her to lust and sin by necking and so forth he is not expressing biblical love, for true love obeys God's law.
"Love...does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth" (1 Cor. 13:4-6).
"This is love, that we walk according to His commandments" (2 Jn. 6).
When a Christian couple engages in "making out" and "heavy petting" they are stepping outside of lawful behavior, imitating the pagan world, and are not acting in each other's best interest which is to serve Christ with the whole heart.
"You shall love your neighbor as yourself. Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law...Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts" (Rom. 13:9-10, 13-14).
The Bible gives us a vivid picture of lustful passion as a substitute for true biblical love in the story of Amnon and Tamar in 2 Samuel 13. In this chapter the Bible uses the word love in the common cultural sense to describe a strong infatuation based upon irrational, youthful, sexual lust. Tamar is an exceedingly beautiful virgin, but she is a chaperoned and well-guarded daughter of the king. Amnon, her half-brother who is consumed with sexual lust, comes up with a scheme to remove his sister's guardians and force her to have sexual intercourse.
When they are alone, in the heat of passion Amnon reveals his wicked intention to Tamar. She is appalled. She says to him, "No, my brother, do not force me, for no such thing should be done in Israel. Do not do this disgraceful thing! And I, where could I take my shame? And as for you, you would be like one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king; for he will not withhold me from you" (2 Sam. 13:12-13).
There are a number of important things to note from this chapter regarding our discussion of the unbiblical nature of modern recreational dating. First, note that Tamar properly assumes that in the area of sexual conduct there should be a clear distinction between God's covenant people and the surrounding pagan nations (vs. 12). She also properly identifies any Israelite who engages in premarital sex as a fool (vs. 13).
Second, note the great difficulty that it takes to get alone with a young virgin in Israelite society. The Bible assumes that young men and women should never be alone together until they are married. Unmarried virgins in biblical society are protected from predatory men. They are guarded by competent moral chaperones. Such protection is the responsibility of the father.
Third, note that an infatuation that flows from sexual lust is impatient and fleeting. Amnon did not follow lawful procedures of biblical courtship because he wanted immediate gratification. Once his sinful lust was gratified, Amnon's infatuation turned into revulsion and hatred (vs. 15). He used her for sexual pleasure and then cast her aside. Blaikie writes: "If anything more was needed to show the accomplished villainy of Amnon, it is his treatment of Tamar after he has violently compassed her ruin. It is the story so often repeated even at this day,-the ruined victim flung aside in dishonour, and left unpitied to her shame.
There is no trace of any compunction on the part of Amnon at the moral murder he has committed, at the life he has ruined; no pity for the once blithe and happy maiden whom he has doomed to humiliation and woe. She has served his purpose, king's daughter though she is; let her crawl into the earth like a poor worm to live or to die, in want or in misery; it is nothing to him." [109]
Note that the so-called love of the world with its lust, sexual immorality, deceptive words of affection and defrauding of gullible young women is antinomian to the core. In reality, it is hatred, humiliation and degradation masquerading as love. The modern dating paradigm serves the false worldly concept of love to a tee.
"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world- he lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life -is not of the Father but is of the world" (1 Jn. 2:15-16).
3. Modern recreational dating is unbiblical because it trains young people to take male-female covenant relationships lightly. With modern dating the goal of the relationship is first personal pleasure (i.e., having a lot of fun); then second, developing romantic feelings and strong emotions; then third (in some cases) the making of some sort of commitment (e.g., going steady). At this point in the relationship, however, the commitment is only one of restricting pleasurable activities (going out, sexual gratification, etc.) to each other.
Engagement or betrothal is only a future possibility at best. Note, that this so-called dating commitment can be dissolved by either party at any time for any reason whatsoever without any negative civil or social consequences.
Given the fact that the goal of dating is essentially self-centered and hedonistic and that the dating commitment can be broken for any reason at any time, we should not be surprised to find that Americans may have had five, ten, or even twenty "serious" relationships before they become married. Someone might ask, "What is wrong with that?" "Isn't it a good policy to test drive the many cars before making a decision to buy one?"
The problem with the modern dating paradigm is that:
(1) It trains young people to have a pleasure-oriented, selfish (self-fulfillment) concept of marriage instead of the biblical God-centered, kingdom (dominion) oriented, service-oriented concept of marriage. When men or women make their own self-fulfillment through emotions and pleasures the foundation of the marriage relationship there is no solid foundation for a lasting (truly satisfying) godly marriage.
(2) When people are married after several relationships in which the commitment was broken for any reason no matter how small, men and women are trained (habituated) to deal with problems in the marriage relationship (even petty things such as sexual boredom, a lack of strong emotions, putting on some weight, etc.) by getting a divorce.
The dating system is one of the main reasons why America has such a scandalously high divorce rate. Young people have been trained to treat divorce as not a big deal, as an easy and acceptable solution to marital problems.
4. The main reason that Christians must reject the modern dating paradigm is that it violates the biblical teaching regarding covenant headship. The Bible teaches that the father (and parents) have a biblical responsibility to guard and preserve a girl's virginity until marriage. The father also has a responsibility to exercise oversight regarding finding a suitable Christian mate for a son or a daughter. The dating system leaves both of these responsibilities in the hands of a son or a daughter. As dating is practiced in modern America the most a father may require is to meet the boy who is about to take his daughter on a date.
Thus a father turns his own daughter over to a complete stranger on the basis of external appearance, a greeting and a handshake. Only the daughter really knows what kind of person she is dealing with. If this daughter is emotionally, romantically and sexually involved with a wicked, worthless fellow she will do everything she can to withhold the truth about him from her parents.
The dating paradigm takes the process of finding a life partner out of the hands of Christian parents who are experienced, wise, spiritually mature and the guardians of a covenant child's virginity and places this process in the hands of inexperienced, (often) naive, spiritual babies or children with raging hormones (i.e., adult bodies with adolescent minds).
Recreational dating violates and destroys the foundation of the biblical family authority structure.
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