Author	Thread: He has a damaged past... Can this work? What should I do?
Admin	He has a damaged past... Can this work? What should I do? Posted : 15 Jan, 2010 02:18 AM I'm 24 and met a guy about five-six months ago. It was a weird situation, I was out of the country for a year, and needed to come back for school... an ad went out on craigslist and we ended up roommates for Grad school. he's nearly 26, and not a christian (although most his family and friends are... his side of the family that doesn't care about him much has jaded him on it). We hit it off really well, good connection, enjoyed each others' personality, talents, interests and activities. We began a casual relationship, just to see where it would go...it was going well, although a few times he would get close to me, then be distant for a few days, and once said that he should end it because he would only hurt me. Well, he didn't stick to that long. At one point during his unsure stage he did and said some things that really hurt. However I decided to forgive him and he said we were in a real relationship, no matter what he sometimes says or does. about a week later he told me it didn't mean anything and we were just consenting adults, friends with benefits, etc. I was really hurt, and told him that, basically told him not to be close to be again... but then he still invited me to hang out at his family's place for Thanksgiving the next day. The next time he tried to be close to me I refused him, about a week later we came to me saying he wanted a real relationship. We dated a solid month, and things were good. My family liked him, his family and friends love me and were happy to have me with him. We had been doing well most of the time (no fights, but he had distant spells after opening up and cuddling). After a particularly good week, (the 23rd to the 3rd) where we had been at mine and his extended family gatherings he told me on the 3rd how excited he was about our relationship, how back at Thanksgiving he was unsure, but now he really knew he wanted to see where it would go and try to make it work. I asked if he was happy with me and he said very, I treat him better than he deserves and was happy his family and friends really liked me and that he wanted to see this through. The next day he was distant again, the second day he was better, but the next few days he became more and more distant. After about five days following his confession to me, I asked if we were OK and he said he just wanted to be alone, so I respected that. Sunday (a week after our good times) we had dinner with friends and played games...things seemed ok, we went home and were watching movies...he began opening up about his life again...we were having a good time, feeling connected. He was telling me abut some tough stuff, and I stopped to tell him that despite his past, his mood changes and his family issues, I thought he was amazing. He stood up and broke up with me. No reason. He said I'm great, I treat him better than anyone else, the best friend he's ever had, likes me emotionally, mentally, physically...but just doesn't see it working. I feel like he just gave up, never even tried to work anything out. He say I deserve better; maybe later; that he doesn't know what he wants, and that maybe he doesn't like good things for him. He's had 4 dads, depression/alcohol problem in the past, bad situations with trust/relationships. He's not talked to his dad or that side for three years, and never had much contact with them. In his mom's last divorce she blamed on him (he was 17), brother is in an emotionally unhealthy relationship, mom steals his money, and throws being a single mom in his face. He hadn't dated anyone in a while, once told me that until about 2.5 years ago wouldn't have sex unless drunk, but really hates intimacy in general... rarely even hugging his family. Now he had a wake up call about a year and a half before I met him, and he stopped drinking, began to focus on school, got out of his last relationship and all that...no more drinking, bars or girls. He's not perfect, he's wounded, but I want to try. How to love him? Any thoughts? Any ideas what his issues may be? What should I do? We still live in the same apartment with two other roommates, we all have our own rooms....But I see him there and in class constantly. I want to be there for him, be that best friend, but I also want to try and have a relationship. Help? What should I do? Post Reply
View Profile History	He has a damaged past... Can this work? What should I do? Posted : 15 Jan, 2010 05:41 AM I'm not sure what he means by "friends with benefits" because you are a christian. I know what the worldly definition is, but not sure what it means in the christian lifestyle. Don't forget what the Bible says about being "equally yolked." As long as he becomes a Christian and you two put God first in your lives, then God will bless your relationship and you two will be happy. But if you don't then it will probably not work out. Post Reply
View Profile History	He has a damaged past... Can this work? What should I do? Posted : 15 Jan, 2010 06:12 AM dear hanata, welcome to the forums.. no benefits.. you should leave that boy alone.. i believe you keep setting yourself up for disappointment.. youre gonna always be a yo yo, what with his mood swings goin from high to lows .. hes gonna always be taking you with him on them.. i believe hes got alot more problems than just depression goin on.. you really dont wanna be with this kind of person for the rest of your life.. and i do believe that even if you two married the treatment towards you would only get worse.. ole cattle Post Reply
View Profile History	He has a damaged past... Can this work? What should I do? Posted : 15 Jan, 2010 06:48 AM Amanda, You're not going to like the advice you'll be getting from your family here online. It's apparent that your morals have been "liberized" by today's "force fed" media and teachers and peers. "Friends with benefits" is a long used euphemisim for "self-gratification" and outside of marriage a recipe for disaster. Men will tell you whatever they feel you want to hear as long as they get that "benefit" from you. When they start to feel "trapped" and the possibility of having to make a committment...they will try to run you off and if that doesn't work will flatout tell you off. Amanda, your "feelings" for this man are not rational. Love should not hurt! Being in Love should be a good thing. If it hurts than something is wrong...either with your reasoning...or with your reasoning. You may be "in Love" with the emotions of "being in Love". That good feeling you create when you are in Love, but he destroys that feeling and you continue to recreate them...only to have him destroy them again. That does not sound like a "healthy" relationship to me. Also as long as he is getting his "benefits" (especially if he doesn't have to go far for them) -- he will continue to keep "returning" to you as long as he cannot get his benefits somewhere else. You are not a drive thru! These benefits are meant to be given to one man and one man only and that man is the one that Loves you dearly! The one that is willing to devote the rest of his life to you and your children. This young man's damaged past will have to be confronted and dealt with before he even trys to have any kind of relationship. It is something you cannot do for him. My suggestion is MOVE. As long as that temptation is only a few feet away...you will be constantly tempted. And as long as you continue to "hang" with a crowd that has no "higher" order or rules to live by... you will meet men that are into gratifying themselves and could care less what happens to you and will tell you all kinds of lies in order to get those "benefits". It's your choice. Do you want to be a "drive thru" that is convieniently open 24 hrs or a Temple that one man worships at and respects and honors and keeps "holy". I believe you are worth holding back those benefits for that one special man that will Love you forever. Steve Post Reply
GraceMae View Profile History	He has a damaged past... Can this work? What should I do? Posted : 15 Jan, 2010 07:17 AM Amanda, I think you've gotten some of the best, true, wise and Godly advice here. ~ GraceMae Post Reply
DontHitThatMark View Profile History	He has a damaged past... Can this work? What should I do? Posted : 15 Jan, 2010 07:51 AM I kinda had/have the same problem...when you have a extremely low opinion of yourself/your importance to other people...and when you care about someone a lot...you tend to put yourself last and them first, even if it'd mean breaking up with them to save them from you. Sounds like this guy might have that problem as well. If not....then he's just mean. You know the situation the best, but it seems to me the best thing would be to wait and see if he comes back. I'd be very careful about trying to actively get him back, because right now it'd probably just push him away. Anyway...these are your choices to make, but I have to add the little "be careful with non-christian partners". Sounds to me like it'd be better to let him go. Your choice. :peace::peace: Post Reply
Paradisio15 View Profile History	He has a damaged past... Can this work? What should I do? Posted : 15 Jan, 2010 08:32 AM Sorry, but my own advice is the same as the others: do not pursue him. I grew up near someone like that, trust me when I say it is not pleasant, especially when they are at their lowest. It sounds like his issues are not resolved or he may possibly be suffering from some kind of mental illness if his mood changes are so drastic and frequent. I'm no doctor, but that's just speaking from my own experience. My advice is to be his friend and try to be supportive and help him, but I would keep my distance and not get too close for your own safety. God bless. -Chris Post Reply
ladythumper View Profile History	He has a damaged past... Can this work? What should I do? Posted : 15 Jan, 2010 06:07 PM Hinata, Thankx for sharing ur life with us. I feel you have a good heart. I'm not here to judge you but will give my opinion since you asked. You remind me of me when I was younger and was in a dead end relationship. In that relationship I had the Savior complex thinking I could save him and looking back I regret wasting 2 years of my life on him during which I was turning down other men with good dating potential. He's playing cat and mouse with you. He feels he can have you anytime he wants you and get rid of you anytime he wants. You are young and deserve a man who's not an emotional wreck. The bible is clear that you shouldn't date any man who's not a Christian and he needs to be a Christian by actions too. A true Christian man would treat you like his sister and not say hurtful things and break ur heart like he's doing. Pray for him to get saved and introduce him bible counselors who are men. I've learned the hard way a woman has no business trying to counsel a man about the bible. A man should counsel a man and a woman should counsel a woman. This man is walking on you like a doormat. He feels the ball is in his court since you have more feelings than he does for you. Seems like he's using you to show you off to his family cuz he knows they approve of you cuz ur a good girl. He's not committed to you he seems to just want you for show so he doesn't have to spend holidays with him. Ur blind in love right now and ur not seeing the whole picture. You need to get away from him for a week or so...so you can clear ur head and start accepting the red flags instead of denying them. Just by ur post there are many red flags there and I'm sure there are more red flags that you can't share with us. This man right now has no business being in a relationship because of the way he's treating you. A man who loves you doesn't hurt you like that. You. Wouldn't hurt someone like that....that you loved would you. I think you should move out. Find some girlfriends to live with. He's taking you for granted cuz u are so accessible to him. The way to win a good man's heart is make him work to win ur affections. Real men will never admit this but they want a woman they can respect. I feel ur a respectable lady but ur allowing him to disrespect you. When you allow him to do this then he loses respect for you. Start dating other men let him know he's not the only fish in the sea don't let him take you for granted. There are men out there too who love to get a woman to fall in love with them it's a game to see how many women they can get to fall for them when they don't know how to love back. They love the concept of being lived. If I were you I'd get out of there Asap ur headed into a deadend relationship I've been there before. He's occupying all ur time and preventing from meeting a good christan man which is what u deamserve. Sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news but the sooner you cut it off with him the better. You need a man who's not wishy washy and is ready to committed to you and not change his mind every 5 seconds. I will pray for both of you. God has a great man out there for you. Pray to God to help find the mate he wants for you. I'd decided the next one I'm letting God pick for me. I'm tired of picking the wrong ones too. Ur Sister in Christ Kimberly;-) Post Reply
View Profile History	He has a damaged past... Can this work? What should I do? Posted : 15 Jan, 2010 06:34 PM dear lady t, i think you are right on there with your post.. nice job. ole cattle Post Reply
View Profile History	He has a damaged past... Can this work? What should I do? Posted : 15 Jan, 2010 07:24 PM Thank you for sharing with us, sister. I agree with what others have said. I cant say what his issues are, but I have known people that resemble your description of him. You need to move out of that very unhealthy situation. You need to keep yourself pure and seek after only Christian men. He will get better and seek you out..... or he won't. It is his choice; no one can make it for him. Ask God to help you and guide you to a healthy place to live and Christian friends. Post Reply
kindmaninky View Profile History	He has a damaged past... Can this work? What should I do? Posted : 25 Apr, 2010 06:00 PM Rrrrrrruuuuuuuuunnnnnnnn!: Post Reply