This is a segment directly quoted from the book �Relationships� by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot, which was used in a bible study I attended a few years back. Maybe some of this will be helpful as we develop relationships with one another. Enjoy and share any thoughts, comments, or testimonies? ~ GraceMae :glow:
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Book extract begins:
Friendship is a long conversation. Indeed, the ability to generate good talk by the hour is the most promising indication, during the uncertain early stages, that a possible friendship will take hold.
The pressure to achieve �quality� communication, however, sometimes induces a sort of inauthentic epiphany for overeager friends-to-be (not unlike what sometimes happens with an eager-to-please patient in the last minutes of a psychotherapy session). In the first few conversations there may be an exaggeration of agreement, for example, as both parties attempt to connect (�You like sardines on your pizza?! Me too!�). And if authenticity does not enter in soon, the two parties form an uneasy kind of pseudo-friendship that creates more pretense than pleasure. Fortunately, even eager friends do not need to be caught and snagged by this subtle snare. With the proper techniques, they can break free of the pseudo-friendship and achieve true companionship.
The first important technique it to master the art of good talk. This requires just two simple tools. The first is a listening ear. Some people are especially skilled at opening others up. They readily elicit intimacy because they listen well. The late psychologist Carl Rogers called such people �growth-promoting� listeners. His years or research revealed that good listeners genuinely convey interest in understanding the other person, they accept the person�s feelings without interruption, and they empathize by trying to see the world from that person�s perspective. These are the skills of a good listener; genuineness, acceptance and empathy.
The second tool for creating friendly conversation is self-disclosure. Weighed and measured in appropriate amounts, self-disclosure is the primary ingredient for potential friendship. In fact, no decent friendship can be made without it. Here�s how self-disclosure works. You spill something a bit private and chances are something intimate will get spilled back on you. Vulnerability begets vulnerability. Social scientists call it the �disclosure reciprocity effect�. Whatever you call it, however, beware: It�s risky. If I reveal a part of me, my excitement, my insecurity, whatever, I open myself up to potential rejection. You may not accept what I disclose. You may belittle it or brush it off. If you do nothing less than reciprocate my vulnerability, I feel slighted. But if you do share my secret, if you identify with me, we�ve struck the cord of friendship and are no longer alone.
C.S. Lewis wrote the process of self-disclosure and friendship in his classis book �The Four Loves: �The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, �What? You too? I thought I was the only one��it is then that Friendship is born.
Knowing when and how to talk about yourself is as important a skill as listening. No one really gets close to the kind of person who�s so careful about her image she never reveals anything intimate. You�ve got to open up, but not too wide. In other words, if you reveal too much you�ll overwhelm the other person. Nobody appreciates a babbler mouth who unloads unedited memories that could interest only a mother. And one more caution about self-disclosing: don�t replace it with gossip and think you�ll accomplish the same thing. Everyone warms to the person who tells tales on him or herself. But there�s nothing more repellent than the person who�s constantly telling you some horrible secret about someone else. :Book extract ends
