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Reflections of a Single: No More Mr. Nice Guy
Posted : 17 Dec, 2009 10:25 AM
�I may not be content to be a single all my life�but I�ve decided there are more important things in life for me to focus on right now.�
That�s something I never thought I�d say two years out of college�without it being a bold-faced lie meant to manipulate the listening female population into wanting to date me.
And, let�s be honest, that approach works a lot of the time�if you can pull it off.
Not all the time, mind you, but it is inarguable that women more often become physically, emotionally, and sexually attracted to what they can�t have (or know they�ll have to work to have) as opposed to what�s readily available for their consumption should they choose. Never mind the fact that those relationships almost never end well.
The guy who is confident, rebellious and/or �dangerous�, will generally hold a lot more appeal to the average woman than Joe �Nice Guy� who wears his heart on his sleeve, smiles nervously every time he sees her, fumbles on his words when attempting to communicate, doesn�t know how to NOT stare, and is unable to do anything but make it painfully obvious that he�s totally into her.
Some women may find the latter kind of behavior cute and endearing�but the majority would probably roll their eyes every time he came around and seek to get away from him as fast as possible. Then, when he finally DID get up the courage to ask her out (after weeks of self pep-talks and �waiting� for the right time), she�d nail him with the much dreaded LJBF; the �Let�s Just Be Friends� speech.
There�s something to be said about why a woman does this:
-He took too long. She wants a guy who knows what he wants and takes initiative to get it quickly.
-He clearly had a picture of her in his mind that she knows she could never live up to.
-She wasn�t even remotely attracted to him.
-He creeped her out.
-She probably thinks she�s already seen everything the guy has to offer.
-He clearly has no life.
There�s an infinite number of possible reasons, but probably the number one factor that leads to rejection�is lack of communicated confidence.
Mr. Nice Guy is awkward, unsettling, and dorky but most of all�Mr. Nice Guy is a wuss.
While I was embellishing quite a bit in my description and the actions of Mr. Nice Guy�I�ve been him. I�ve gone through most of my life with a fairly weak understanding of how the female mind works, what they want, and how to pursue social interactions with them on a romantic level.
But I truly have peace that it�s all going to work out�because now that I know, I�m actively working on it. And things are changing. I�m pushing myself and growing and learning.
Five years ago, if I went to a Barnes & Noble you�d without a doubt find me in the fiction section or maybe even the comic books. While I still enjoy an occasional novel or graphic novel (and that�s not me knocking it) my interest has drastically shifted from that of the fiction realm to that of things that are directly applicable: relationships, self-improvement, spiritual identity and confidence building.
I want to get over this stigma, but more than landing my mate, I want to know why I�ve had such a long self-perpetuated history of feeling poorly toward myself�despite the fact that God has blessed me in innumerable and awesome ways. I�m talented in tons of areas, I�m well-spoken, funny, and I�m able to connect very well with people on intimate levels.
While it�s definitely cheesy and clich� as far as self-help goes, the old Stuart Smalley SNL skit does have a basis in reality. Self-critical, oft-pessimistic people like me (or who I used to be) truly need to learn how to occasionally look in the mirror and tell ourselves that the person looking back at us is �good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like him.�
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There are certainly days when I have a longing for the closeness, warmth, and security of a member of the opposite sex who accepts me unconditionally�but I�ve come to realize that it�s no longer a driving force in my life.
The driving force is better knowing MYSELF, the reasons WHY I feel certain ways, and realizing my identity as a unconditionally accepted child of God. The driving force is learning how to help the people around me in practical ways, being a good, kind, caring friend, and helping people sort through their problems while being a shoulder to cry on. The driving force is achieving a life that�s entirely free from self-pity or the idea of only finding myself "whole" in the arms of another person.
I�m not saying that you need to start living in denial or �dating Jesus� or say he�s your valentine when you�re still single in February. Don�t turn down opportunities that come your way, and seek out new ones. But do that in EVERY area, not just potential dating relationships.
As long as you're not completely overwhelmed and overloaded, say yes to new and different challenges that present themselves to you--knowing how much personal growth can take place.
But during this time--and this is crucial--you MUST build and surround yourself with Christian, trustworthy, accepting, and loving friends. But it does take time and patience.
After two years I�m happy to say I�ve made tremendous progress.
HARD TRUTH:
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If you�re a young single who is desperate for a relationship, you�re at the absolute worst odds of finding someone who is a good match for you.
One of my favorite Christian authors, Dr. Henry Cloud put it in really good terms:
�To be happy in a relationship, and to pick the kind of relationship that is going to be the kind you desire, you must be able to be happy without one�
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