Almost 40 and have never so much as been in a serious relationship. I NEED HELP.
Posted : 17 Jun, 2018 08:28 PM
Hi all,
I have decided to come here, because I need to get my story out, and I am hoping SOMEONE out there will have an answer for me, or be able to give me some advice, or point me in a direction that I hsaven't already been in.
Here's my story. I am 39 years, old, and for the life of me, I have just never been able to find a companion. I have not so much as ever even been in any kind of serious relationship. The extent of my dating life has been a girl I dated for a month 17 years ago, which I broke off because the girl had some mental issues, and I felt that I could do betther than that, and then last year, I dated a girl from a dating site, which was going in the right direction, but she broke it off because she lived 2 hours away, and her being out of work and such, dating anyone was too much for her.
Ever since I was a little boy, I dreamed of one day growing up and getting married, and having a family. I was still a teenager when my sisters got married, and I remember them calling when each of their kids were born, and them coming to visit, and me playing with all the kids, thinking to myself, "I can't wait till the day comes that I have this".
Fast forward to now, and I am 22 years out of high school, and still can't so much as even get a girl interested in talking to me, let alone get to a point where I am seeing someone. I have one by one watched all of my cousins, second cousins, everyone I went to school with, everyone I played with on my street growing up, all get married and start their families one by one, year after year. My cousins all found their mates when they were in their early 20's....as have most other people in my life I have known. Just 2 weeks ago, my second cousin announced the birth of her second child. She is in her early 20's. As she posted the picture of herself on Facebook of her laying in her hospital bed with her newborn baby, and her other kid cuddled beside her, I thought to myself, "why can't I have this?" Even my sister's friends, who's kids were 8 and 9 years old when I moved away from Kansas to where she lived, halfway across the country in '88 are all married, or at least in a relationship, and they all have kids, who are 4 and 5 years old now.
My question is, is there ANY hope for me at all when it comes to finding a companion? Or did God put me here to be alone?
I have had my profile on just about every dating site you can name, I've tried going out talking to girls in bars, I've tried joining singles clubs, I've gone to church activiteis, and as we speak I'm looking into seeing what activities the church has here in the town that I have just moved back to, just to try to get myelf out there and meet people. I even paid over $900 to join a dating service back in 2006, that turned out to be a complete ripoff. The very few dates I go on with people I meet on dating sites end up going nowhere.
It has not been an easy pill to swallow watching everyone I know, one by one, year after year, all getting married and starting their families, and it's like....why won't God make tis happen for ME? Why did God choose ME to be the one that has to live my life alone?
I'm just going to be blatently honest here and say this: If I was never meant to have a mate, and was meant to be alone my whole life, than quite frankly, I don't want to be here anymore. I want to Lord to call me home. And at that, I don't understand why he even created me in the first place if he never meant for me to have a companion.
On the other side of the coin, I have known many people in my lifetime, who have gone through bad divorces. They are paying child support on kids they don't ever get to see, and them and their exes don't get along at all. There are others who are in relationships, but they are not happy at all. So yes, I AM grateful for the fact that I'm not in an unhappy relationship, or that I haven't gotten divorced, or that I'm not constantly at battle with an ex over kids, or living the life of many other stories I've been told. But on the other hand, there are people like my parents, and my aunts and uncles, who have been happily married for 30 or 40 years and still happy as ever.
Yes....there are many marrieges on this earth that fail. But there are also ones that DON'T fail.....so why can't I be one of those who's marriage DOESN'T fail, and be one of those ater in life saying they've been happily married for 30 or 40 years?
Many people have told me stuff like "you don't want to live anymore because you don't have a girlfriend? Come on, really?!" Well here's the thing. It's not that I don't want to live anymore because I don't have a girlfriend. I don't want to live anymore because I don't want to live out the rest of my life being alone, and judging by the experience I've had up to this point, it's looking like that's how it's gonna go. It's not "not having a girlfriend" so much as it is:
- Feeling loved, cared about and needed
- kissing someone good night and waking up next to them in the morning and starting our day together.
- Coming home and talking to hear about my day, and listening to how her day went.
- Having someone to take to things like a company party, or a family reunion, rather than being the one that shows up by himself and seeing everyone else with their husbands and wives, and having people say stuff like "him and so and so are coming around 5".
- Doing things like holding hands and walking along a beach.
- Cuddling while watching a fireworks show, rather than just riding along with someone else's family and being a third wheel, or listening to the fireworks going off at my house, because I didn't bother to go because I didn't want to go by myself, and being in tears wondering if there will ever be a time in my life where I will ever have someone that wants to be in my arms at a fireworks show like you see with all the other couples that go to them.
- Announcing my engagement.
- Sending out wedding invitations.
- My family coming to my wedding to watch me get married. (My parents aren't getting any younger.....will they even be alive when and if my wedding day ever comes?)
- Being able to call my parents and family announcing that we are going to have a baby, and being able to make that phone call to my parents 9 months later, saying that their grandson/grandaughter was born.
- My parents coming for a visit to see their grankids like they do with my sisters' kids.
- Having someone to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other holidays with.....doing stuff like going to her parents' for Thanksgiving dinner, or inviting my or her family to MY Thanksgiving dinner, or having someone to bring to MY family's Thanksgiving dinner.
- Watching my kids open presents on Christmas morning, and getting to be "Santa" and seeing them all excited in the weeks leading up to Christmas.
- Buying a house together, and talking about the future of having kids in the house we're going to buy.
- Having kids, and watching them take their first steps, teaching them how to swim, ride their bikes, go to their ball games, going to their school plays, taking them fishing, playing ball with them in the yard, having birthday parties for them where family and friends come over for a cookout, or we go to a skating rink or a pizza joint and watching them all have fun, and telling them stories of things we did that we enjoyed growing up, or having family movie nights.
- Taking the family camping, or on a vacation, or a picnic.
These are all things that growing up, I thought that by this time in my life, I'd be at the point where all these things were happening!
To be honest, if I had known that I would be this age and be where I'm at now, I would have lived my life a lot differently. An example of this:
Back when I was going to tech school, all my friends and room mates ever wanted to do was go out and party and hook up with grils. I had no interest in that. COUNTLESS times, I had opportunties to go out with them. Many times I heard the whole "Hey man...if you ever want to get laid or go out and party with us, You're welcome to come on out, we'll hook you up!" I turned them down every time they offered this, and they always made fun of me for it. But my mentality back then, was "I don't WANT to "Get laid", I want to SAVE myself for that special person that will one day be the love of my life, and be able to give her a special gift of her being my first". At the time, I was very young, and had hopes of me also being HER first and having that "Special thing" together. (I mean seriously, anyone reading this who is a girl, wouldn't you appreciate it if your mate came along, and he told you he'd been saving himself all that time because he knew one day that his special someone would come along, and that special someone was YOU?)
Had I known I would be where Im at now, I would have let them hook me up, and go out and partied with them.
I'm at a point in my life now, where if I'm not meant to have a companion in my life, I at least want to have sexual encounters like everyone else, but I don't even know how to get a girl interested in me even for one night. Last year, when I went to see a friend of mine, we ended up going to a strip club, and I told him, if there's any way he can hook me up with a girl here tonight, work your magic anf get me hooked up.....he has game and knows how to work things, and somehow got me hooked up with one of the girls that worked at the strip club, and we snuck off into a back room and "did it", acting quick so she wouldn't get caught by her boss, before she went back to work. It's a shame that that's what it took for me to be able to have sex for the first time, and that it took me 38 years to be able to do it for the first time, but it was time to get it done....it was either that or still be a virgin at 40. And I have to wonder, "what if I'd have just let those college kids hook me up? By now I'd know what to say and how to talk to girls, because I'd have learned from them, and I'd be going out and having fun, rather than spending saturday nights stitting at home".
All the time I think to myself, everyone else meets their mate in their 20's.....so why didn't I?
Why have I never met anyone while working? I am a heating and air conditioning technician, who over the past 20 years has probably been in tens of thousands of homes.....why haven't I met someone on just ONE of those calls, who is, say a single homeowner? On the side, I am a DJ. I have played at many bars, weddings, and public functions. Why haven't I met anyone at any of these events? Why, during my 16 or 17 year stin of being on all these dating sites, has nothing serious ever came out of anyone I�ve met on them? Which by the way....is few and far between � If I�m lucky I might get 2 or 3 people a year to answer me on those sites.
Why haven't I, say met someone at a checkout line at a grocery store, or hit it off with a store cleark? Do you have any idea how many times I've hit on store clearks as they were ringing up my stuff?
I spent 4 or 5 years of my life hanging out at the campground with a group of friends that had a seasonal camp site, and hanging out at thet campground, met MANY people during that time....why did I never meet anyone during that time?
Why haven't I "just by chance" ended up sitting next to someone at a concert or a party, who happened to be single and we hit it off?
I frequently go to places like Chili�s, Applebees and other places like that and sit down at the bar to have lunch or dinner.....why, over the years hasn�t someone else who was single just so happen to also come in and have dinner at the same time as me, and we cross paths and hit it off?
When I lived down south, I worked for a very large outfit, where there were many girls that worked in the office, most of them taken of course.....why couldn't someone that worked there have been single, and I hit it off with one of them?
Why, over the years when I�ve talked to people about this, has no one had a single friend, daughter, aunt, niece, sister.....SOMEONE who is also single who is looking for te same thing as I am, that they could set me up with?
These are all things I say when people tell me things like "If you want to meet someone, put yourself out there and get out!" But my whole thing with that argument, is....most people I know havent "Gone out" to try to meet people. They met their spouse just living their normal life! And he examples I listed above are examples of me....just living my everyday life, and I just don't understand why, during all these years, I've never had that "chance encounter" that so many people tell me has happened to them, which is how they met their spouse.
why did God not choose someone to be alone and without a mate that WANTED to be alone, or didn't care whether or not they ever had a mate, instead of ME, who WANTS a family, and WANTS a companion?
At this point, to be honest, I'm ok with not having kids.....I just want a mat! Someone to spend the rest of my life with so I don't have to walk the earth alone and watch everyone ELSE live their lives with their partners.
To be quite honest, if I'm meant to be one of those people that are in their 50's or 60's and still never met the one, I wish I would just die. Don't get me wrong....I'm not saying I'm ready to take my own life or anything like that......I just wish the Lord would not have even put me here on the face of the planet if he wasn't going to create someone who wanted to be with me.
Many people will read this and think "you've got to be happy with YOURSELF before you can worry about making someone else happy or making them happy to be with you" - I've been told that over the years by a LOT of people. But my question is this: How can I be happy with myself when no one even likes me? I like myself - I like my demenor, I like what I stand for, I like my character, and I like my personality. I wish I could be a little bit more self confident, but other than that, I'm pretty happy with who I am, other than the fact that I can't get anyone to like me. I am different than most people when it comes to that.
From the time I started school, until the time I graduated, I had no friends. I was picked on very badly from the 7th grade until the time I graduated. Then, once I went off to tech school, I was picked on there too. Then, once I got out on my own and into the world....yes....I had good jobs and was able to hold my own, but I've never really been able to make very many good, TRUE friends....I have, but it's been very few and far between.
I moved half way across the country once I got out of tech school to be near both of my sisters, and was never really accepted by them, I tried ofr many years to be accepted and I never was.....so I then moved down south to be near a friend who I thought we were like brother and sister, only to have her, her kids, and some of the rest of her family distance themselves from me a few years in, and all the while of living down there, I couldn't make any friends because no one wanted anything to do with me, so now, here I am, living back in my home state, where I at least have the life back that I left behind 18 years ago. When I left here back then, I never dreamed of wanting to come back here....I thought I'd be at a point in my life where I was married, had a family, and was living near my other family, and having my kids grow up with their cousins. So it's like.....WHY can't I just have a happy ending and have this ONE THING that I've been wanting ever since I was a little boy?
I have a lot of OTHER reasons to be happy right now - I've recently gotten to move back to my home state that I've missed so much, I have a job at a good company, I live in the nicest house I've ever lived in since I've been out on my own, I have a dog that is the sweetest dog you'll ever know, I'm financially stable for the most part and my turck has been paid off for years and still runs great. So yes.....there IS a lot in my life that is good, but no matter how good life is for me....I will always feel incomplete as long as I don't have a mate.
Almost 40 and have never so much as been in a serious relationship. I NEED HELP.
Posted : 1 Jul, 2018 07:52 AM
I think you really need to question why you have never had a serious relationship. Then you need to look at what you can do to change it maybe even seek professional help. If you don't address the underlying issues then I doubt the situation is going to change.
Almost 40 and have never so much as been in a serious relationship. I NEED HELP.
Posted : 22 Jul, 2018 11:02 AM
No, you were not meant to be single. And yes, God does want you to get married! But dating is like playing chess. If you don't know how to play, you will be a loser. So, learn the game. And keep in mind, you are not going to be a chess master in one day. But this is a skill just like cooking or dancing or swimming or anything else in life. You have to learn from someone who knows it better than you. Best way to learn is to learn from an expert. Look up Marius Panzarella on Google and YouTube. And watch everything and read everything you can written by this guy. Read everything he recommends and refers to. (This man is not a Christian!!! and his goal is to help men get girlfriends and get into bed. And I disagree with his motives and beliefs, BUT the methods he teaches do work!) You shouldn't learn by trial and error or asking questions from women or trying to figure things out on your own, because that's very-very slow. You could do that if you were 19. But you don't have time for that. You need to learn fast. How do you do that? You learn quickly by sitting down with a pro and start learning everything he tells you.
Yes, many marriages fail. Have you done any research online? There are tons of blogs out there written by people who divorced telling their story and all the lessons they have learned from their failed relationships. It's a treasure trove what's out there. You can learn so much by reading what other people have gone through in life!!!
"I'm at a point in my life now, where if I'm not meant to have a companion in my life, I at least want to have sexual encounters like everyone else, but I don't even know how to get a girl interested in me even for one night."
Yeah, I applaud your honesty here, BUT that thing is a problem. (for most Christian women). So many people are Christian in name only, and women are frustrated trying to find real ones. If someone puts his will and his own pleasure above all else, and everything else (even God) comes second, then that's type of life that is not going to be attractive at all to a true woman of God. So, as long as this is your setup where your self is in the driver seat and God and everybody else is in the back seat of your life, then you are going to attract the type of women who have a similar setup. And that might not result in a good marriage. I don't know. I am not an expert on marriage. I've never been married, but I can tell you this: If you want to have a firm foundation for your marriage, make God #1 in your life and in your relationship. That's very important. If you cannot or aren't willing to do that, then you might as well marry an unbeliever or anybody. It doesn't matter.
Ultimately, God is the one who can give you a wife. You still have to have the skill and learn a lot. But He is the one who can help you find the right person. If you put Him first in your life and if you obey Him and follow His guidance, He will lead you. He will put the right people into your life, and He will help you get there. Time cannot be reversed, but once you find the right person for you, you'll forget all the years you had to wait for her.
Almost 40 and have never so much as been in a serious relationship. I NEED HELP.
Posted : 22 Oct, 2018 05:57 PM
My advice is to keep praying to God and have faith in what you're praying for. Do not be double minded in what you pray for and what you truly believe will happen. Now, also remember the great apostle Paul. He was set aside by God to serve God. Paul wasn't married but instead chose to devote his life to serving God and spreading the gospel. I'll pray for you. God bless
Almost 40 and have never so much as been in a serious relationship. I NEED HELP.
Posted : 16 Nov, 2018 10:17 AM
Looking at your profile, in the perspective of a woman, I wont be interested in you either. All you wrote there were your likes and dislikes. There's nothing there to motivate me to write you. Oftentimes, what u write may be just the icebreaker that could strike up a conversation. You dont even have a picture to go on by. Some may say that they dont care about appearances but for most, it matters. Make yourself presentable.
Dont take this against me. You're asking for advice. That's just my honest opinion.
Almost 40 and have never so much as been in a serious relationship. I NEED HELP.
Posted : 18 Nov, 2018 09:21 AM
To Jeni1, thank you for posting the link to that video. I am not in the same boat as the original person who posted here, but I was intrigued to take a look at the video. Wow, what a great video and what an amazing preacher. This Pastor totally knows how to engage with his congregation and speaks so much profound wisdom. Even though the subject he was preaching on was not actually relevant to me.....he had me hooked into watching this video - it was brilliant. I have bookmarked it and will send it to those who I think would definitely find it to be a huge blessing...........Many thanks Jeni1
