Men are courageous by nature. Women are loving by nature. It is hard to undo these dynamics because it is as if they are stamped on our souls. Anyway, using that as a starting point, I wanted to give some of my female friends a bit of friendly advice.
It is not particularly helpful to accuse men of being afraid. I mean, maybe little girls learn they can get a rise out of little boys by applying that label, but for mature women, they know that it makes little sense.
See, the other day, a female friend said something like this to me, �Why are you afraid to commit?� Hmm... I don�t think she is getting through. I mean, why would she assume I am �afraid�? Maybe I am not interested in committing, in general? Maybe this is not the right timing? Maybe my intuition is warning me and it has nothing to do with fear. And maybe it�s because of HER, that I am not interested. Even so, I find many women assume men are afraid when it comes to relationships. And maybe some of them are. But the use of the word �fear� might short circuit what woman really want to know.
Let me give an example to help this. What if I said to my same female friend, �Why are you so unloving, that you drive men away?� Hmm... In the same way, I am not sure I would get my point across to her, because: 1. Why do I assume that men are are not interested in her, BECAUSE she is unloving? and 2. Why would I think she IS UNLOVING? See, if I recall what I wrote are the start, I know that women are, by nature, loving. So, to accuse a woman of being unloving is somewhat nonsensical. It is like saying, �Why don�t you have skin?� See how it would be strange to say that? I should not label a woman as unloving since it is her nature to love. She might in fact be driving men away, but it is very unlikely that it has anything to do with being unloving. Similarly, a man might not want to commit, but it is very unlikely that it has anything to do with fear. And we should not label a man as fearful, because men are, by nature, courageous.
(Of course, some will object at this point and call to mind those oddball few women out there who are just mean. And there are also those few men in the world who are fearful. But in both cases, they are very much in the minority and they are the exception, not the rule.)
So, for ladies who want to be respectful when talking with men, I suggest recognizing they are courageous by nature, and supporting that. Similarly, wise men will do well to recognize a woman�s loving nature, and to support that.
Finally, in relationships, it take two to tango. So, if a guy is not interested, there is a good chance it has something to do with the gal. Not always, but let�s say at least 50% of the time. So instead of saying, �Why are you afraid to commit?�, a humble woman might try something like, �Is there anything I could do to make myself more appealing?� It takes real humility to go that route and many would prefer instead to accuse and name call. Even so, I think it�s a more effective approach to getting the answer most women are seeking, which of course is: DOES HE LIKE ME? and DOES HE WANT TO MOVE OUR RELATIONSHIP FORWARD?
What are some steps we can take to ensure that we build and/or maintain a Christ-centered relationship?
1. You must first have a relationship with Jesus Christ.
To have a healthy, Christ-centered dating relationship, you must realize that a relationship with God takes first priority in your life. Without Him, no other relationships would be possible.
So how can you have a relationship with God and become a Christian? I�ve always loved the breakdown of the ABC�s. Though it�s laid out in a way easy to understand, the steps we must take promote a life-long commitment to Christ.
�A�- Admit
You must admit that you are a sinner, that you are sorry for your sins, and that you will turn away from sinning.
�For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.� Romans 3:23
�For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.�Romans 6:23
�Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.� Acts 3:19
�B� � Believe
You must believe that Jesus is God�s Son and that God sent Jesus to pay the penalty for sin.
�Jesus answered, �I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.� John 14:6
�But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.� Romans 5:8
�C� � Confess
You must confess your faith in Jesus Christ as Savior.
�If you declare with your mouth, �Jesus is Lord,� and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.� Romans 10:9-10, 13
2. Remember who your first Love is designed to be, Christ and Christ alone.
So often I feel that we let our earthly relationships with our significant other stand in the way of our relationship with the Creator Himself. We feel that the other person can fill a void in our lives or a specific longing to be loved by someone else. We forget who was the One who designed love as it should be. We begin to place our relationship with our boyfriend/girlfriend above our relationship with God. We begin to place our faith in our earthly relationship instead of faithfully placing our earthly relationship in the hands of God.
�But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had first. Remember therefore where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent.� Revelation 2:4-5
�And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.� Mark 12:30
I remember the exact moment when I realized that Chad was the perfect guy for me. It was when he told me that he loved God more than anything or anyone else in this world, and that no matter where our relationship took us, God would always remain his first love. Wow, what an amazing and wise thing for a 15-year-old boy to say! Needless to say, he won my heart that day. :)
We must strive to remember that no earthly relationship or earthly love could ever compare to the love God has for us. He laid down His own Son on the cross for us� what greater love is there than that? He wants us to love Him with every part of our being, and with that love, earthly love and relationships will follow.
�For God so loved the world, that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.� John 3:16
3. Date with marriage in mind.
In other words, if you can�t picture yourself marrying the person, don�t date �em. Yep, I said it. I know it kinda sorta goes against popular thought, but I fully and 100% believe that if we cannot see ourselves marrying the person down the road, there really is no point in continuing on with the relationship. I mean really� What�s the point of dating if you can�t see yourself marrying the guy (or girl, for you fellas out there)?
I am blessed to say that I was (and am) Chad�s first and only girlfriend (how cool is that??). Even though we were very young when we began dating (15 years old), we both knew that we did not want to be in relationship if we could not eventually see ourselves marrying that person. (Funny side note, Chad never lets me live down the fact that he was not my first boyfriend, lol. In response, I tell him this: Technically how can you really �go out� with anyone in middle school? Where did we go?? The lunchroom, of course! haha. Anyway, Chad was (and is) obviously my first and only true (earthly) love� and what a blessing his love is in my life! :))
��Haven�t you read,� he replied, �that at the beginning the Creator �made them male and female,� and said, �For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh�? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.�
Matthew 19: 4-6
4. Find someone who prays for you and prays with you.
I know several parents out there (including my own) who began praying for the person their child was going to marry from the day that child was born. How truly awesome is that? I believe it is so vitally important to find a boyfriend or girlfriend who not only prays for you (on a daily basis) but also prays with you.
Through prayer together, you and your boyfriend (or girlfriend) are able to talk to God about problems that may arise in either of your lives. You are able to thank Him for the opportunity to be in a relationship and the happy times you experience together. By praying together, you are able to experience God together. If that doesn�t sound amazing to you, I don�t know what will. :)
I�ll never forget when Chad and I were juniors in high school. My granny had been diagnosed with cancer, and I was on the way to the hospital after getting a phone call from my mom saying she wasn�t doing good. I was heading there after a volleyball game, and I immediately called Chad because I needed to hear his comforting voice. He immediately began fervently praying for my Granny, for me, and for my family. That was one of the sweetest prayers I�ve ever heard, and I don�t think he even knows how much it meant to me.
Our junior year when we began driving, Chad and I decided together that we would begin each morning before school with prayer together. Each day, we would take turns praying for the day ahead, for each other, and for any upcoming circumstances we may face. I am personally thankful for a boyfriend who daily covers me in prayer; what a wonderful blessing.
�Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.� James 5:16
5. Remain pure and holy: Marriage is the goal.
Simply put, be careful with physical affection. A relationship can easily turn sinful if physical bonding occurs too quickly. Marriage is the union that brings man and woman together; therefore, remain pure and holy for your future husband or wife.
�Do not be hasty in the laying on of hands, nor take part in the sins of others, keep yourself pure.� 1 Timothy 5:22
�Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.� Proverbs 4:23
�I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.� Romans 12:1-2
�Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, who you have God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.� 1 Corinthians 6:18-20
6. Have fun praising and glorifying God together.
What good is a relationship if you don�t have fun with one another? Chad is seriously the funnest person to be around; that�s why I absolutely love spending time with him.
As a couple, choose things you enjoy doing together. Go play in the arcade together, eat yummy food together, go play a game of putt-putt, go bowling, watch movies together, hug each other, take trips with each other and each other�s family, do a Bible study together, go to church together, go shopping with her (fellas, hehe), watch a game of baseball or football on TV with him (ladies, hehe).
Find activities you enjoy doing with your significant other. Smile, laugh, enjoy one another�s company, encourage one another, support one another, edify and build each other with your words, and most of all, glorify God with your lives and with your relationship. :)
My prayer is that each of you continue to seek God�s will for your life and your relationships. I hope this post has encouraged you in some way, and I pray that you always remember how magnificent and how awesome God�s love is for YOU!
Truth hurts. When hanging out with one of my buddies a while ago, he tells me that he thinks I�m scared of commitment. My first reaction was to defend myself against this allegation, I�m not scared of commitment, I�m just independent! But then I really got to thinking about his comment.
Here I am� I�m a single woman in my early twenties. I�ve completed my college education which I paid for entirely myself. I work at a professional job in my field of study. I rent a townhouse with some roommates. Yes, society may classify me as successful, independent woman; but what is it that lies below that facade of independence?
And the more I think of it, the more I agree with my buddy, I have an intense fear of commitment! So, what is it that terrifies me about being committed to something or someone?
Commitment puts my freedom in jeopardy. Last summer, I considered giving up my professional, secure job to spend my summer surfing on Oregon�s coast. Regardless of the money or benefits offered at my job at the time, I felt that I might be missing out on the adventure of a lifetime by being tied down to a full-time job. Unlike the generation before me, the idea of working at the same job for the next 30 years does not appeal to me at all.
My living arrangement choice is to rent a townhouse with some roommates. As much as I see the logic in paying into a mortgage sooner rather than later, I couldn�t imagine being tied down to the same place for the next 25 � 30 years. I�m unsure what my life holds for me and I want to be ready to move if the opportunity presents itself.
Commitment means I have to make a choice. Though I�m in my early twenties, I still haven�t had a serious boyfriend. One of my friends is getting married in couple months. Though I�m ecstatic over her happiness, part of me questions if she can truly know that she�s making the best choice. In contrast to my friend, I am all for casual dating. When asked to commit my time and attention to one man in particular, I start to panic. What scares me the most is that I might make the wrong choice and get hurt in the process! I�ve watched many of my friends commit themselves to a relationship only to struggle through betrayal and rejection later. In the future, I would love to be in a committed dating relationship, but until I met a man that I�m willing to risk my heart for, I will remain single.
Commitment means I can�t just think of myself. I used to volunteer with a kids club on Friday nights. There was no doubt that my leadership was positively influencing the lives of the kids, but after a couple months, I quit. I quit because I wasn�t willing to sacrifice my Friday nights to spend time with the kids. Instead, I chose to spend my Friday nights partying with my friends, which just seemed much more fun than playing Dodgeball with some Grade 7 kids.
Like millions of others in the world, I admire the devotion of Mother Teresa who sacrificed her life in the service of others. I always say that I want to do the same, but in reality, it�s tough to make the decision to give up some of the things or activities that are enjoyable to me.
Unveiling my secret desire for commitment. Despite my efforts to remain unattached and uncommitted to anything or anyone, I have to admit that deep in my soul, I have an intense longing for security and belonging � both of which cannot happen without commitment.
Though I don�t want to be tied down to a job or a house, I still want the security of knowing where my next pay cheque will come from or where I�ll live next month. And as much as I�m scared of committing myself to a dating relationship, I truly desire to be with someone who is 100% committed to our relationship. I think we�re all built with a desire for security.
So what�s the issue? When I think about my commitment fears, it boils down to one issue: truly loving and being loved by others because that means that I�m opening myself up to the possibly of being hurt.
I know that I can�t truly love someone else unless I am vulnerable � whether it�s loving a man or my friends, family or the kids I volunteered with.
When I love someone, I can no longer just think about myself. I need to be willing to put time and energy into our relationship and always live with the possibly that the person I love could destroy my trust.
Being committed demands remaining faithful to someone or something even when times get rough. Whether the person I love treats me poorly or I don�t see the results of my project. Commitment means I need to stick to it because I love and believe in it.
Looking for examples of commitment. I can�t honestly find many good example of commitment in our culture. Yes, I can think of a dozen names of famous people committed to the success of their career or personal dream. But often these ambitions are mixed with impure motives of greed, pride and envy. Do we really have examples of true selfless, altruistic people who lived a committed life?
The only person I can think of is Jesus Christ. Although he lived 2000 years ago, this man who only lived 30 years made a tremendous impact on the world even until now. Some say it�s not possible to live like Jesus Christ or follow his example. They�re right. It�s impossible to live and love like Jesus Christ. It�s impossible to copy what he did. But I do know it�s possible to have Jesus Christ as part of your life because I experience a personal relationship with him everyday.
Why have Jesus as part of my life? Jesus is slowly changing me and teaching me a better way to live, act, think, behave, feel and react. If I want to know how to love others, I look to Jesus � he knew how to love another person. Jesus didn�t go into relationships thinking, �Oh, I better be careful, this person might hurt me.� Instead he chose to love all of humanity with a deep, passionate love that eventually lead to his death.
He is the ultimate example of commitment � he was committed to selflessly loving others including you and me. Jesus gave up his freedom and in a selfless act, came to earth to die for the wrong things and I have done. To me, that�s unbelievable that someone would be 100% committed to me even before I knew who He was. Despite my commitment phobia, I can rest assured that I am wholly and completely loved by God. And can than strive to follow his example of loving other people.
