I want to date with the purpose of getting married. For me, I wanted to meet lots of compatible guys and get to know them as friends, then after a year or two, see who I get along with the best, and see if they want to start a relationship (if they don't ask me out first).
Anyway, I started seeking out guys on this site. I got many messages and winks, but wasn't really attracted to any of those people. I sent out about ten winks, and none of those people winked back (lol). After about five weeks at this site (?), this guy sent me a wink, and I was like, wow he's actually cute, but his profile was really bare. He just said hi.
I messaged him back, and then we ended up talking for about two hours. After that I felt like I didn't *want* to be friends with any other guys, or consider anyone else.
So basically, I had all of these ideas and plans for how I would do things for years, then in reality, when the first person that showed interest, that I liked back came along, I suddenly wasn't interested in comparing them to anyone else.
Was my idea a bad idea all along?
I guess my belief was that, if you know someone as a friend first, you know them a lot better than if you are just dating, because both of you are always trying to impress the other person, and may not show the darker sides of your personality. Then again, with online dating and long distance dating, you may not see what a person is really like until you are engaged/married anyway.
Keeping the reason in control rather than the emotions is a challenge. I do think that 2 years of "friends" before dating is rather much. Most guys are going to see that friendship stagnating in a few months if it doesn't take a romantic step.
But let your conversations, at least some of them, be purposeful. Talk about the things that are important to you and find out what things are important to him. Not just "what are your top 5 important things", but discuss them at length. If it's important to both of you, you'll have plenty to discuss.
There are characteristics and beliefs and values that a future wife of mine MUST have ... and characteristics and beliefs and values she MUST NOT have ... or we will not be good partners. Then there are the things we would need to compromise about. Presumably, any lady with whom I start a discussion will have some of those MUST / MUST NOT criteria too. Presumably you do too ... and that oh-so-cute guy may or may not match them. And some of the less cute ones may or may not.
Hmm, I think the being friends for two years first was more in person, and more when I was a bit younger.
I have talked to my parents, and they only knew each other for six months before they got engaged. Wow!
Too be honest, I feel like you barely even know someone after six months!!!
I don't really think you can know someone as well online as you would in person. You can't see how they act around their own family and friends, what they are like in church, or how they treat service people. It's all talk, no proof.
I have been talking to someone I would like to have a relationship with. Since we know so much about each other based off our profiles here, I feel like we have been getting serious too quickly, like we are talking about marriage related material within hours of knowing each other, rather than months or years. It's weird. I don't know what I'm doing, how I should be doing it, how to slow down etc.
I don't want to waste mine or his time, but I don't want to ''date'' for months then find out that what the other person wants isn't compatible. I think that's why I wanted to ''date'' or be ''friends'' with multiple people at once. So if things didn't work out with one guy, they'd be someone else.
I didn't expect to get so attached to one person that I wouldn't want to talk to anyone else.
Luckily, none of the people I've winked at have winked back.
Unfortunately, there is no-one from this site based in New Zealand that I am interested in. Maybe I should try going to Bible college.
Be patient Sister. If a man is chivalrous enough to want to marry you, he would wait far more than 2 years to wait for you, should you choose to marry him. There should never be any pressure, dating (to see if it can work), and you should never have to give any man a chance. If you and that man are equally yoked, you will see many signs during the time that you are cultivating your friendship. No worries Sister. You have more wisdom than you think.
Your Brother in Christ :)
Hi, I'm 25 and have never had a boyfriend.
I want to date with the purpose of getting married. For me, I wanted to meet lots of compatible guys and get to know them as friends, then after a year or two, see who I get along with the best, and see if they want to start a relationship (if they don't ask me out first).
Anyway, I started seeking out guys on this site. I got many messages and winks, but wasn't really attracted to any of those people. I sent out about ten winks, and none of those people winked back (lol). After about five weeks at this site (?), this guy sent me a wink, and I was like, wow he's actually cute, but his profile was really bare. He just said hi.
I messaged him back, and then we ended up talking for about two hours. After that I felt like I didn't *want* to be friends with any other guys, or consider anyone else.
So basically, I had all of these ideas and plans for how I would do things for years, then in reality, when the first person that showed interest, that I liked back came along, I suddenly wasn't interested in comparing them to anyone else.
Was my idea a bad idea all along?
I guess my belief was that, if you know someone as a friend first, you know them a lot better than if you are just dating, because both of you are always trying to impress the other person, and may not show the darker sides of your personality. Then again, with online dating and long distance dating, you may not see what a person is really like until you are engaged/married anyway.
I'm 33 and never had a girlfriend. I wanted to avoid girls before. But I made a 180-degree turn when I became 30. Then I started dating, and since then I have been on 7 first dates so far. Yay! haha
When I was 16, I had no idea how I am going to meet my future wife. I was extremely quiet and introvert, so I had a fantasy. I imagined that one day we're going to just meet somewhere, and when we look at each other, we will instantly know that we were meant to be one and we were made for each other. We will immediately hug each other and say "I am so happy that I found you! Finally!!!"
I guess, we all have our own fantasies or expectations about how we're going to meet or how it should happen in a perfect world. LOL For many years, I never thought that I am going to have to interview multiple women in order to find the right one. That just never entered my mind. But I slowly began to realize that what I have imagined was a fairy tale. It's not going to happen that way, and if I ever want to get married, then I will have to do something, because clearly, we're not going to run into each other by chance! So, I started learning how to date. Yes, if you have never done it, then you have to learn it, because it's not a skill that we're born with. I read several books. I went on first dates to practice. And my most recent first date, which was in August 2014, was quite pleasant. We both enjoyed it.
I have begun writing a list of questions that one could ask on dates. I have now more than 1000 questions on small index cards. All I have to do is memorize them. And I have began writing a list of qualities that I want to have in a future wife. I have listed 88 things so far. Now, that the list is getting ridiculously long, I am starting to have doubts about my approach. I have watched a movie called Privileged Planet, in which they listed some of the requirements for having intelligent life on a planet. The chances of finding a planet in the universe with favorable environment is extremely small. The EARTH is a very-very rare planet!!! That's the point of the entire movie. And as I am writing my list of requirements, I am starting to realize that the more things I add, the less likely it is that I'll ever find her. I have gone on 2 dates a year so far. If I continue like this, it will literally take an eternity to find the right one. In other words, I'm not going to get married. I believe I will, but God will have to do a miracle. But there must be a better way to find her. or I need to cut down on the number of requirements I have or I don't know. The problem is I have never been married, so I don't know what's important. I think, I know what qualities are important. But I am not sure. If I had been married once to the wrong person, then I would know what I don't want and what I do want. But since I have never been married before, I am not sure... I look at this problem like a giant mountain that needs to be climbed. It's like trying to climb Mount Everest. LOL I believe it can be done. Others have done it. But it's risky. My success is not guaranteed.
I usually pray to God to give me a good marriage. What good is marriage if it's full of hatred and bitterness? Also, it is not good to get married when you're poor. If all you have is a morsel of bread, then life is painful. And it can be even more miserable if that same tiny piece of bread has to feed two people instead of one. So, if you want to get married, it is better to be wealthy than poor.
I tell you...after reading the responses to this thread and considering what I've personally experienced in the "dating" world of my own short, but full life in this earth as first a non-believer and now sold out to Christ Jesus, has come to this...no matter how you cut it, we all have been given freedom of CHOICE by God!
I'm now convinced that God, in answering our hearts desire to find a mate, sends individuals into our lives to ultimately CHOSE from, as our life partner! Let me elaborate. If we who believe are assured of our personal relationship with The Lord...reading His Word, praying and spending quality time with Him, will without a doubt know what His standards are in a mate! We will eventually and intimately know who He would want for us and we will then, without question, know who that person is when we meet them and them us(smile)!!
Just as to love is a choice, so I too believe that the choice of our future spouses will solely depend on who we know we are in Him and Him in us! I again repeat that I'm convinced of that no matter what anyone says!! So what I'm saying, in agreement with the OP, is that I will engage as many individuals The Lord sends my way until when that "one" someone stands assured and confident of who he knows I am to be in his life and him in mine...thru Christ Jesus! Just speaking my heart...
OP...allow The Spirit of God to guide and direct the path of your heart's journey! You'll never be led astray if you do(smile)!. Be blessed in your quest for that life mate, yet patient in it's guaranteed twists and turns!
The two years as friends approach before dating was never going to happen. We all have big ideas to protect ourselves but when the right person is there things will happen as they need to.
Besides if you sit in the "friend" zone for 2 years you are unlikely to get out of it and your "friend" will be looking elsewhere. At the same time I try and stay in that zone for a while as once you cross over to the "item" zone a woman will expect commitment where large chunks of spare time are concerned. I'm a bit older and know how things can play out plus I'm patient because I've been there and done it.
I wouldn't go imposing unnecessary restrictions on yourself but don't be too eager to rush anything either.
Yes don't impose too many restrictions on things. Two years as friends? Yes I think we all can agree that's not a good idea and could lead to nothing but friends.
That said the three year mark for me has yet to be passed. Both serious relationships I've been in fell apart approaching the third year. I don't know why but that seems to be when whatever tipping point hit and they realized they would rather be with that other guy. My brother on the other hand married his first long term relationship, and got engaged to her after eight months. My sister on the other hand dated her future husband for years before engagement, but a few years into the marriage it almost fell apart. They made amends thankfully.
At one point I figured I'd marry the first person who lasted over three years, but now I wonder if I should wait that long. I'm a lot older than I planned to be when I would get married, and the gals that would accept a guy of my age are getting to be fewer the older I get. I may just have to aquiesce to the possiblity of a divorce three years in.
