I don't know if this only happens in Africa or you ladies and gents have noticed this in your different countries,
Are you familiar with those types of 'up tide' families in a way that, dad has his own chair, cup, spoon and plate?
You're not really allowed to talk to him (you kinda bothering him). The only time he talks to you that's when you're in trouble. You do know fore sure that he loves you, but have never really seen him expressing parent affection to you (or your siblings)
Do you have an idea of how/what I mean here?
This surely have an effect and influence on our adult relationships with opposite sex in a way that your partner doesn't say that she/he loves you. He expects you to know since you were chosen amongst the multitude. His/her body doesn't communicate back when reflecting your affection to her (I'm not referring to sex dear friends)
I rather mean this in a way that, let's say you're smiling at your partner in a genuine way and your entire body reflects love through your facial expression and your partner is none responding. Not really moody or angry at you, but just non expressive towards you.
How has this made you feel?
How do we deal with this in potential relationships that stands to end up in marriage and having kids who stands to be raised up like this?
This was the most interesting reply as I've taken this subject for discussion with John. It still a same concept but was rather more specific and personal when asking him the same question.
This is how I asked:
I'm going through a phase where it seems like i'm looking at my entire life experiences in a mirror or book. Former things that didn't make sense then when was a little girl, are starting to make perfect sense now. Question i've always had when growing up,... I had to make peace with them not being answered and most probably won't ever be answered.
But now this one question in particular, seem to stand out screaming for answers. "How does a child who grew up not experiencing any form of parent affection, express affection maybe through body language to her partner now as a grown up? How do you make him know that his loved without expecting him to just know coz he was chosen from multitude of guys who were interested in you, all were rejected only for him to be chosen?"
Here is his reply which I found very interesting and willing to open it for discussion if anyone has anything to add or disagree with from this whole post not necessarily his reply:
"Sis
Imagine growing up in a home without music. Then one day as you are walking to the store you hear a melody wafting from the distance. You have no idea what it is or where it is coming from but something about it touches a place within you that you and it speaks to you in a way that makes you both happy and wistful.
As you go about your days afterward you consider this phenomena that now occupies your thoughts and haunts you. You consider forcing it to leave your mind but you are�not willing to let it go. So you decide to�go and find out what it is and if it is something that you can obtain for yourself. In this decision you consider how you first heard this melody and�decide to start walking toward it. So you start walking in the direction of�where you first heard the melody.
After walking for some time you hear the�melody again and with renewed enthusiasm walk faster. After many turns around many buildings you find a house where this melody emanates. You knock on the door�of the house and�a man and woman answer the door. You explain to them that you are in search of this thing that you heard but do not even know what to call it. They invite you inside and�introduce you to their family. You politely�great them all and then tell them your name as well. Then you ask them about what you had heard. They smile, sit down and take these strange looking things into their hands and begin to move them. What greets your ears brings you to tears for it is more beautiful them anything that you have ever heard before. They stop what they are doing and smile at you, asking with amazement if you had ever heard music before. You tell them that you had only heard music once before and that is what had brought you to their house.
You ask them how they are able to make these beautiful sounds and they tell you that they learned to read sheet music first. How the symbols on the paper translated into the correct sound and then they practiced, practiced, practiced.
The woman hands you the instrument that she is holding and encourages you to try and play it yourself. You try and the sound that comes out of the instrument makes your ears hurt. You hand the instrument back to her and she tells you that she was worse when she first started playing music. You ask her how she was able to keep trying if she was so bad when she started. The woman tells you that she spent time with other people who played better then she did. She hung out with them, listened to them and asked them questions. Then she practiced, practiced and then practiced some more.
That was how she was now able to play like she does now. She tells you that she still misses some notes from time to time and there are other people that play so much better then she does but she keeps practicing and she keeps slowly improving.
You then exclaim that she must receive such joy from playing the music like she does. She smiles and nods toward her children telling you that the real joy is teaching her children to play music because when she grew up there was no music in her parents house or her life when she was young.
Sister, this allegory is the long way to answer your question but the answer remains the same for you as the girl who had not heard music before. Learn to read the music. This means read the Bible and books about Loving people rightly that are infused with the word of God. Then translate the written music into action. Meaning that you apply what you read by trying to do what you have studied.
Next you find people who are better then you are at playing this "music."� Find people who will mentor you. Watch and listen to other people who know more then you do. learn from them.
Then you practice, practice, practice.
The fun part is starting all over and learning more from study and being a disciple.
You will then find that you cannot help but teach others to do what you have done.
You WILL miss a note, you WILL make mistakes but you are blessed by God to have the opportunity to ask God and the people around for forgiveness. You are also blessed by God with the ability to persevere because Jesus has already provided you with the perfect example and He lives in You by the indwelling Holy Spirit.
My sister please do not be discouraged or worry about how well you will play your God given "music" in the future. You only need to express the "music" that God has placed in your spirit. And for now: study and practice, practice, practice.
Be Blessed my Sister and know that you are Loved rightly.
May you be the conduit for the sacrificial Love of Jesus
Is there a room of starting over learning to express what one missed when growing up when there's such expectations to meet and keep up with in relationships?
