Ok, I post this at a risk of alienating any women I'm talking to on this ste, but I'm really conflicted on this issue and need some independent advice.
This week my ex-finace found me online. She just got internet and found me through mySpace. We dated for three years, attended church together, got engaged, then after a two-week span where she seemingly became more distant, she stated that she wasn't sure she wanted to get married anymore. Her explanations as to "why" didn't add up, and after about two hours I got out of her that she was seeing somebody else. We split up at that point, as cheating is a deal-breaker in my book. This was in January 2000 - we were both 21 at the time, both now 30.
Nine years later, she finds me, only lives about 20 minutes from me, and we meet for coffee. In my heart I was happy, and being together was very comfortable and very familiar - like it was just yesterday. She informs me that she regrets ever leaving me, and wants to have a relationship again. If that isn't complicated enough, she is now married with two children of her own (beautiful boys ages 3 and 2) and three step-children.
First things first - I will not be "the other guy" and would never pursue a relationship with a married woman. However, would you guys consider a positive response given, by me to her, as "breaking up the marriage" since that is the only inevitable way for us to be together? Would I be a "home-wrecker" in that regard? Part of me thinks yes, part of me thinks no (that the home is wrecked already if she's looking for a way out).
Secondly, while my heart is read to jump all in, I'm trying to remove emotion from the situation and deal in reason. Can I even trust her? She burned me once, and is contemplating leaving a seven year marriage with the father of her two kids to get back into a relationship with me. Is that a pattern of her looking for greener pastures that should be telling me to run as fast as I can? Ir is it that she didn't know what she wanted at 21 (when we were engaged), and that only now she realizes the attributes she really wants in a mate were there for her 9 years ago? (Side note... perfect reason not to marry early!!)
I really don't know what to think. I have a heart telling me yes, a brain telling me no, and I'm truly lost.
Yes,yes, I know - pray about it, yadda yadda. I'm looking for something more substantive than that as a response. I am obviously praying about it, but am looking for perspectives I may not have thought about.
Am I crazy for even entertaining a though of getting back together?
Don't hold back - I am looking for genuine constructive comments - even if they are critial of me.
One of the reasons she stated as to why she is looking to get into another relationship is that her husband and his 3 kids are not Christian, and that they have no desire to be. So they started out being unequally yoked. When we dated, we attended church regularly, and she never did so after we separated. I did take her to church today before coffee, and she enjoyed it.
Matt 5:31"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.'32But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
Are you the one to cause her marital unfaithfulness or will he be the unfaithful one?
Either way, according to the scripture, for her it is to be "until death do we part". She is cleaved to him because of the children, if he is a good father and provider she should honor him in marriage, always.
1 Peter 3: 1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that,> if any of them do not believe the word,< they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,
A true Sister who belong to the body of Christ and is married would take that to heart.
You're so right ephesians522. Looked it up in 4 different translations and all said basically the same thing. Guess it has been some time since I'd read that passage, and it didn't have the significance for me that it now does.
I was the one abandoned and cheated on in my marraige. He was the one who asked for the divorce. Still...where does that leave me in the prayers and Faith I've had that God will provide for me a husband who loves and serves Him? How can He, when His Word says that to do so would cause me and that person to commit adultery?
This is verrrrrry discouraging ~ as I've been believing in and waiting for God's best for me in this matter. But this certainly shakes my Faith that it is something He will do ~ and I don't at all have peace or contentment in the prospect of remaining single for the rest of my life.
Would sure appreciate any suggestions that may give another viewpoint (with Scriptural support) that my understanding here may be lacking.
He gave you the scripture, the one you are reading. Except for sexual immorality. You were cheated on, you fall under the exception to the rule. You are good to go.
Blessings,
Leon
By the way Ephesians, good word. Excellent answer.
Knowing now as you do that she is married you should end your contact with her and pray for her. I can not believe that you are even considering this my brother. Would you really be the cause of this families demise? And if you are and marry her what happens when the grass does look greener with someone else? You my Christian brother are better than this! Wait on the Lord, He will provide a godly woman who will respect her marriage more than to meet up with an ex and plan her divorce. I know this may sound harsh, but you asked for honesty. Here it is from a sister that loves a brother too much too be silent.
Something else comes to mind, you stated that they are unequally yoked. That he is not a Christian, so what they are still married and she still took a vow in front of God and everyone, forsaking all others until death do us part. She is already committing adultery in her heart. Are you?
Hmmmm...I'm still getting the understanding from what is written in Matthew, that it's alright for the man to remarry if the ex-wife committed adultery. But that the divorced woman is not afforded that same privelege. But it troubles me why this would be so.
I'm also thinking about Hosea (believe that's who it was), that was told by God to marry the adulteress. So why would God do that if it would make Hosea an adulterer as well? It would be like God ordering him to sin, which would never happen.
Will bring this question up at my ladies Bible study tonight (of which I'm the only unmarried lady!)
you said that you are the only unmarried lady at your bible study, that's because you are an extraspeciallyloved child of God and He is taking His time to find and send the one who deserves a woman of your caliber. I will pray and ask Him to hurry though. LOL
At the time Jesus was giving this lesson, women were not allowed to divorce, only men were allowed, so of course it seems one sided. Now that women are allowed to divorce, I would think you have to apply the same rules, i.e. only for sexual immorality, and if otherwise, you are the reason for his sin. That is why I am of the opinion that you fall under the exception that Jesus gave.
You know, something has been on my heart here lately with all these discussions on this order: Our faith was never about strict adherence to a set of rules, it is about love from a pure heart, and faith in the One True God, and Jesus Christ whom He sent.
It is so easy to get caught up in legalism when you are trying to please God, but the Pharisees followed every law and more. Jesus was not impressed. A rule, or law, can never teach us to love.
Back to my brother's original question, if you love this man that she is married to, why would you want to hurt him by taking his only hope for salvation? She went to church with you and enjoyed it. Maybe she should try to take her family to church, and if they resist, go herself. They will eventually go with her. If she will trust God, He will make sure it happens.
Rose, the Bible does not deal with abuse by a husband either, does that mean you would advise a woman to live under those circumstances? I would never advise a woman to stay with an abusive man, and if there is a price to pat for that advise, I will bear it gladly, out of my love for my sister. So, I am advising you to find a Godly man, marry and be happy for the rest of your life. As an ordained minister, you have every right to have faith in what I am telling you. That way, if there is a price to pay, I am responsible for it. But I don't believe for a minute that there will be.
Thank you all for your responses. I've definitely had struggles with this, but have made a decision to not move forward with her. It's hard, because I only recently started wanting a relationship again, which I why I joined this site. The timing of just starting to look for a mate, and her coming back into my life is probably just a coincidence, but it makes me wonder.
In the end, it would be selfish of me to disrupt their relationship so I can have "what I want." She should indeed keep trying to get her husband and stepchildren to church. I'm probably going to have to cut off all contact though, even though I'd like to make sure she continues in her renewed walk. I'm afraid my rejection of what she wants might turn her back away from the church - but knowing her intentions, though, I can't trust that she'll keep it as just a friendship if I continue to attend church with her. The mere appearance of impropriety can adversely affect their relationship - and I don't want to be the cause of that. If she and her husband are going to get divorce, for whatever reason, it's not going to be on my back.
Lydia - not too harsh at all. I wanted honesty. Thanks! My brain agrees with everything you said - but my judgment was being clouded by emotion. The longer I've been away from her, however, the more clearly I've been able to think about this and how stupid it really is to even consider. I knew deep down it wasn't smart, but guess I just needed affirmation from outside parties.
I would never want to be considered a home-wrecker, and I could never trust that she'd stay in the relationship, so I'm not going to put myself in that position. I have to resist the temptation of an "easy" relationship to get into, and just keep praying for her, for her husband, and for a mate for me!
Thanks again everyone, especially for the biblical perspective that I wasn't aware of. I try to live as Godly as I can, but am not fully versed in marriage matters, so I appreciated the cited verses. :-)
