Before I moved back home to Oregon, I attended a private Christian college in Texas. I believe at least 85% of the people there were truly born-again.
There was a certain phenomenon happening with the dating culture there. Fewer girls than guys. Single freshmen girls usually get boyfriends by the end of the first semester. The school sets an unusually high standard both in and out of the classroom, so there is very limited time to actually leave the school to go out, and it is not practical to live off campus. Couples see each other on campus almost every day. In a pressure-cooker environment like that, relationships develop extremely quickly.
That's not all. At this school, dating is treated like marriage. Unmarried couples keep the Christian standard of sexual purity, but outside of that? They become so involved with each other after the first few weeks of the relationship that it gets awkward for single people to be around them. Couples almost never break up, and anyone who dates more than two guys/girls in a year are considered "players"
Based on these experiences, I would like to submit a number of theories:
that Christian students will behave that way unless they have experienced a more secular dating culture.
that Christians, in general, would be blinded to perfectly good and Godly possibilities if it were not for secular influence.
that Christians, in general, are more concerned with blocking "unrighteous" people out than finding ways to let them in, by the grace of God.
that this habit of blocking people out has indirectly led to a list of qualifications for dating, causing unnecessary difficulty in finding a spouse.
It is my conclusion that "the list" should be used as a qualifier for marriage, and not for dating.
How can you truly know if someone matches "the list" unless you have spent time getting to know them? It is not practical to be "friends first" because it is difficult to get out of the "friend zone."
I would like to bring an old secular idea to the the attention of Christian American culture: it is possible to go out on a date without also having a love relationship.
I definitely went to college for my MRS degree. Didn't get it in the first four years, though, so I went on to grad school in hopes of getting it in the next two. Still didn't get it. Now, I'm Bcpianogal, BA, MM, NCTM. The only thing better in my opinion would be to be MRS. Bcpianogal, BA, MM, NCTM. :glow:
I sort of take a middle-ground when it comes to dating. I don't date just for fun, and I don't date someone that I KNOW I wouldn't be interested in having a long-term romantic relationship with (non-Christians included). The reason for that is because I am ultimately looking for a husband, not just a good time. I'm perfectly willing to have all sorts of friends, but when you throw that word "dating" in there, the friendship takes on a whole new meaning no matter how much you claim it doesn't. BUT, neither do I enter a dating relationship with the assumption that he HAS to be the one I marry just because we are dating. That is unrealistic. Sure, it'd be nice if it worked out that way, but it doesn't always.
So, my "reason" for dating is to find a husband. Therefore, my standards are high. I have a whole different set of standards for my friends...but they are just that: friends.
Onidaren, you are young. Right now, you have plenty of time to find that special someone. You can date around, date girls that you wouldn't want to marry, experience the dating scene, and have fun doing so. Great! But when you get older, and when all your friends start getting married while you date girls you would never marry, you might find yourself being a bit more selective when choosing dates. You might also find yourself looking for a Christian girl to date who would also make a great wife...just in case it goes that far! Your list will become more selective.
It seems to me that you're making the case (a bit backhandedly) that girls should date people they're not interested in. I don't think you can get around that one -- they'll always do that, and that's defensible, Scripturally, because their emotions are a good first cut as to who will make a good husband. I think it's more of a point to find out ways to appeal to people rather than knock 'em for not accepting you. Sure, it totally sucks being passed over repeatedly, but that should be feedback in itself.
Actually, I know a good number of women who accept me, and it was never my intention to bash the ones who don't. Unfortunately, I cannot spend a lot of time making sure my wording is perfect, and this forum does not allow me to improve my posts by editing them over time.
I can only hope that people will read some of my other posts in this topic, and get a feel for where I'm coming from.
to "bcpianogal"
Thank you for sharing! It has been helpful for me to look at the different perspectives posted here.
Actually, my standard is very high, but I don't want to derail this topic by discussing it here. I am trying to place more trust in God and not in my standards. When it comes down to it, I hope I would rather have the Holy Spirit judge people for me, than judge them myself in an effort to find someone who is "wife material." If that means not marrying at all... so be it.
to "Ionlydatecheerleaders"
You are exactly right in saying "The remedy being to not get ahead of ourselves and take our cues from God through prayer and waiting on Him and letting today worry about itself."
I wish I could add this quote to my original post.
If you are concerned about my standards, do not worry. The people I spend the most time with are people who sincerely follow the Lord.
to "shepherdess"
I admit over-thinking is one of my weaknesses, but hopefully people will still gain something from this discussion.
There is nothing wrong with going to college to find a husband (or wife!), so long as God's calling takes priority. It becomes a very bad thing when someone chooses a college and major to find a spouse, and not to serve God. To be fair, this applies to guys as well as girls.
I think we have made a good deal of progress since my first post.
Now, since I am unable to edit the initial post, I will write an update here.
It seems like we all agree on God's sovereignty over dating. Perhaps "The remedy is to not get ahead of ourselves," but instead "Take our cues from God through prayer and waiting on Him and letting today worry about itself."
I have been experimenting with this idea: trusting God to judge people for me, instead of trying to judge them myself. This is not lowering my standard for dating, but raising it! At the same time, it allows more freedom and less pressure with dating. It means I no longer need to confine someone to the "friend zone" until my own judgement comes through. Furthermore, it is practical, and has positive benefits for others (I have already led someone to Christ).
"I no longer need to confine someone to the "friend zone" until my own judgement comes through."
Wow that totally resonates with me. I had the same realization a few weeks ago too. It's almost as if love is a choice, but it is not a choice that is based on judgement or conditions, which is ultimately based on fear I think. Love is the opposite of fear.
