Thread: at what age are men mature enough to make a commitment
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at what age are men mature enough to make a commitment
Posted : 2 Feb, 2010 05:56 AM
This question is for my daughter. She is 21 and just ended a three year relationship. She is now raising a son as a single parent. She is a beautiful young woman and truly wants to live her life for the Lord. But, she does not want to raise him alone. Her ex is 24 and has no desire to settle into family life. He says he is too young to settle down and just wants to have fun. At this point, my daughter won't consider going out with anyone who isn't at least in their late 20's. I don't blame her. But, I would like to know everone's opinion here. At what age are men mature enough to make a commitment?
at what age are men mature enough to make a commitment
Posted : 4 Feb, 2010 10:07 AM
Hi Proverbs31wife,
Welcome to the forums1
The age of a person should not matter at all. I agree with others that there are men who are much older and yet not mature and men who are younger and yet are mature though I do not believe that will be the majority of them. Normally, a man who is older should be wiser because of life experience and more grounded in God's Word. Hopefully! :-)
My daughter is 22 and has two daughters of her own. A 3 and a 2 year old. The daddy of the children is now thankfully out of the picture as far as being in a relationship with my Daughter. (She wised up) He is still involved with the girls as he should be. Now my daughter is dating a Christian man who is actually 13 years older than she is. He is 35. I approve of this because he is good for her and there are no biblical grounds to forbid it. I actually like the guy of course and I also like his 12 year old Daughter who he has custody of and his parents are also very nice. The difference of the age is a good thing. Abraham was 20 years older than Sarah and people did not live much longer back then than we do today. People forget that Abraham was after the flood when God made the maximum age for man to live to be 120 years anyway, which most did not achieve.
Point being is that your daughter should seriously consider not being so restrictive in her age requirements. Of course you might want to consider leading by example and open up your age restrictions as well. Why put God in a box and limit your blessings? Just a thought. :-)
at what age are men mature enough to make a commitment
Posted : 4 Feb, 2010 08:18 PM
Some men will never grow up. Look at the maturity level of the man, not the age. Does he appear to live a settled life or does he just want to have a good time
at what age are men mature enough to make a commitment
Posted : 6 Feb, 2010 02:44 PM
Let's see.... magic eight ball says the magic number is...... "there is no magic number.."
Men are mature enough to commit when the woman is mature enough to give the man the things he needs in order to be WILLING to commit.
I know that particular answer is not the one you seek. But it would make it no less true. And there are many layers to that seemingly simple answer.
This is not a question about what age a man is mature enough. It is a question about what VALUES have been instilled into BOTH genders during their upbringing. A man of "late twenties" that your daughter is now seeking MIGHT be more mature.... BUT.... BECAUSE of that maturity, he is also going to be able to determine if it is in HIS best interest to get involved with somebody, sacrifice himself and his life, for a woman who has a child by somebody else.
A MATURE man will actually question the woman with the child as to why the 'father' of the child is NOT in the picture. Was the father really 'immature'? Or was the father being bludgeoned to now give up EVERYTHING THAT HE IS because TWO people were BOTH too immature to have had sex without knowing consequences involved.
He will be MATURE enough to determine if the woman in question has the capacity to love and respect HIM for the "gifts" he is willing to give that woman. (and a man willing to be a "DAD" to somebody else's kids IS a "gift"...pure and simple) His reluctance to commit, if he determines the woman is not mature enough to give him the love he needs as as MAN....will NEVER make him "IMMATURE" for backing away from the situation.
In the end.... ANY man who goes into a relationship with a woman with a child from somebody else will ultimately ask....."Does she love ME? Or does she only love the fact that I've now taken on the burden created by somebody else to lighten her load?". It is because of this maturity that he is actually able to ask this question.... And the MAIN question he will ask is..."Is this woman MATURE ENOUGH to show GRATITUDE verse ENTITLEMENT?) So.... it would behoove any woman to actually 'be careful for what you ask for... you just might get it.' when asking about the maturity of a man.
I gave this answer not to be insensitive. I gave it because it is every single mother's REALITY these days. I propose this answer because it falls under the category that so many single mom's ask these days...."Why doesn't a man want to date a woman with kids?" It is pandemic!!! It is the biggest question asked today amongst singles. The answer is always right in front of their nose. It has NOTHING to do with 'the kids' and never did.
I'm also able to give this answer from 'experience' to back it up. I raised two of somebody else's boys for five years. I was there for the nightly homework, the PTA meetings, the basketball games, the school plays and functions, the car loans, the sex talks, the guitar lessons... the list goes on. It will have proven to be one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.. As rewarding as it all was though...I can also throw in... it went far from appreciated.
Any single mom is going to have to understand that it is "EASY" to love a child when it came from you.... It is the GREATER capacity for love and the MATURITY to be able to do it unselfishly on the part of the one who does not share the DNA....
Food for thought...
I hope God will guide the two of you. Maybe a further assessment on both your parts would be in order to see if the natural father in this situation can be swayed to come back into the situation and assume his role. Too many times... the man is told that "life does not exist now" once the kids come along... But it's also the man's role to not let the woman get so involved in her kids that they actually become 'surrogate mates'. This is the biggest mistake women make. It doesn't make matters any better when a mother in law could be potentially breathing down his neck as well and told to "hup to it"....
at what age are men mature enough to make a commitment
Posted : 6 Feb, 2010 07:42 PM
Thank you Forte! :)
Your post is very true and very well written. I realize you speak from experience from a man's point of view, but I'd also like to add that it feels the same from a woman's.
at what age are men mature enough to make a commitment
Posted : 6 Feb, 2010 08:52 PM
Thanks T...
If you could help though in your comment. Are you meaning that it feels the same for a woman if she should take on being with a man who has kids?? If that is what you meant, then I am in complete and total agreement.... If not, then pardon my confusion in your post and asking for clarification...
If it was as I interpreted the statement.... a brief story to acknowledge that understanding....
My best friend since high school, a man with two kids from his first marriage, met a woman who had no kids and was willing to help raise his. They actually lived together for about six years. And during that time, both of them had planned to marry. But due to his past marriage of a wife who went down the road of drugs and infidelity, he would suddenly come down with a case of 'cold feet'. He even canceled the SECOND time they were going to be married in Vegas WHILE they were flying there. His fear was based that, 'once married'...things would 'change' as they had done with his first wife.
Truth be told.... he called me one day crying to let me know how "betrayed" he felt when he suddenly learned that his girlfriend had decided to go and buy her own house behind his back..... She was tired of being put 'second fiddle'. He wanted me to somehow 'back him up' in this.....ummm...'betrayal'...
He was rather surprised to find that I actually sided with his woman on this matter... and after an 'intervention' of sorts on my part with sitting him down... I made it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR to him what a FOOL he was in not recognizing the GIFT that had been given to him.... and letting him know it was going to be a very long time....if EVER, that another woman would just 'miraculously' come along to do what that woman did. And he better get down on his hands and knees and "make right".... because there are PLENTY of men who would recognize what she was as a woman. He needed to let go of that 'fear'....
About a month later...I received a call asking me if I would come over. They asked me if I would attend the wedding. I went one better and told them that I would, in fact, PERFORM the wedding....the reason being.... he would have to look ME in the EYE when I asked him if he would "till death do us part" and all that stuff that comes before it.... Because I wasn't going to be somebody that just collected fifty bucks and then walked away after the ceremony....He was going to have to answer to ME as well... Did I mention the big grin on his soon to be wife's face when presented with that theory??
"it takes a village to raise a child....." LOL
I'm happy to at least say that, it's now been eight years for them...and they now have a third child as an addition to the two that his wife mothers.....
I also presented what I presented for the reason that, the majority of the time, primary custody is always awarded to the mother these. And although "joint" is in there as well... most times....the mother is given the most time with the kids.... Fathers, unless under extreme circumstances, are awarded the primary custodial parent, even if they are good fathers....
at what age are men mature enough to make a commitment
Posted : 7 Feb, 2010 11:14 AM
dear piano, now i agree with some of the things you write or have written.. but this one here i dont..
your words here
In the end.... ANY man who goes into a relationship with a woman with a child from somebody else will ultimately ask....."Does she love ME? Or does she only love the fact that I've now taken on the burden created by somebody else to lighten her load?".
mine here
in my lifetime ive been with alot of women thatve had children.. and i got to say that thought never crossed my mind.. i have never looked at children as a burden never.. children are a blessing . i dont care if theyre someone elses or not.. and adds joy and laughter and a sense of family and turns a house into a home..
there may be trials at times .. but never a burden..
also if i dont trust the woman no more than to have to ask that kinds of question then i dont need to be with her in the first place...
so ladies if youre single and have a child or children there are men out there that will love you and also love your children as their own ..and will find it a pure joy to do so..
at what age are men mature enough to make a commitment
Posted : 7 Feb, 2010 12:52 PM
Hey Forte!! :)
Yes. I'm sorry I wasn't clearer. I was married to a man with a two year old son with special developmental needs (his brain was fine, but he hadn't been taught anything, he could only say "no"). He had also been physically abused by his biological mother's boyfriend. So, we had many appointments we had to go to in order to teach that precious baby how to love, communicate, etc etc. I worked 48 hours on the weekends so I could be off during the week while his father worked. We had SUCH a bond! :) It was the most wonderful thing I've experienced!
Prior to Tyler, I'd always say I didn't want any children because I was too afraid of messing them up! Lol! But God showed me!! Haha!! He sent me one that was already messed up, and it was GREAT!! I had nothing to fear anymore.
Obviously, it didn't work out with his father and I. He decided to leave me one day. I still don't know why. One day they were there and life, for me, was good. The next, they were gone and I haven't seen them since.
But, that was 3 years ago and I've come to terms with everything all due to my Blessed Father. He has reeled me in closer to Him and He has opened my eyes to many many things! :) Now, Im aware of the many mistakes I made, but He's also shown me that loving is never wrong, especially when a child is involved. I would not trade anything for my time with Tyler, even though it hurt so bad. God is good!! :D
