Before I moved back home to Oregon, I attended a private Christian college in Texas. I believe at least 85% of the people there were truly born-again.
There was a certain phenomenon happening with the dating culture there. Fewer girls than guys. Single freshmen girls usually get boyfriends by the end of the first semester. The school sets an unusually high standard both in and out of the classroom, so there is very limited time to actually leave the school to go out, and it is not practical to live off campus. Couples see each other on campus almost every day. In a pressure-cooker environment like that, relationships develop extremely quickly.
That's not all. At this school, dating is treated like marriage. Unmarried couples keep the Christian standard of sexual purity, but outside of that? They become so involved with each other after the first few weeks of the relationship that it gets awkward for single people to be around them. Couples almost never break up, and anyone who dates more than two guys/girls in a year are considered "players"
Based on these experiences, I would like to submit a number of theories:
that Christian students will behave that way unless they have experienced a more secular dating culture.
that Christians, in general, would be blinded to perfectly good and Godly possibilities if it were not for secular influence.
that Christians, in general, are more concerned with blocking "unrighteous" people out than finding ways to let them in, by the grace of God.
that this habit of blocking people out has indirectly led to a list of qualifications for dating, causing unnecessary difficulty in finding a spouse.
It is my conclusion that "the list" should be used as a qualifier for marriage, and not for dating.
How can you truly know if someone matches "the list" unless you have spent time getting to know them? It is not practical to be "friends first" because it is difficult to get out of the "friend zone."
I would like to bring an old secular idea to the the attention of Christian American culture: it is possible to go out on a date without also having a love relationship.
Shared ~ How can you truly know if someone matches "the list" unless you have spent time getting to know them? It is not practical to be "friends first" because it is difficult to get out of the "friend zone."
*** With all due Respect�I Totally disagree with this. The first way a person gets to know someone is by Communication. Verbal, when meeting someone in person. Via e-mail or phone on a venue such as a dating site. Ifin two persons cant talk / communicate to & with each other by these means of communications and get a clear idea ( mutual interests, goals, focus then what makes two persons think it will be different in person ???�
*** I also disagree with your statement of NOT being Practical to be � Friends First � cuz its difficult to get out of the �Friend Zone.�� I can only speak for my self here�Ima not looking to Date my Future Mate/Husband�I am seeking My Life Partner�IE�Best Friend�I can Date anyone�I choose not to�it�s a waste of time to Date someone when there is no Connection�Especially since on the Top of My List is GOD�
*** To me�Dating is to find out what you are Truly Seeking in a Committed Life Long Relationship�A person can say Anything to Win the Heart of a person�It�s the Fruit of those things said that are�the bases of the List you speak of�
Shared ~ I would like to bring an old secular idea to the attention of Christian American culture: it is possible to go out on a date without also having a love relationship.
*** Secular idea or Not ?�Yes it is possible�Its called Friendship�aka the � Friend Zone�
I understand that the point I am making is controversial with fellow believers, and that is partially why I brought it up.
To GodsJude:
1. "The first way a person gets to know someone is by Communication. Verbal, when meeting someone in person. Via e-mail or phone on a venue such as a dating site. If two persons cant talk / communicate to & with each other by these means of communications and get a clear idea ( mutual interests, goals, focus then what makes two persons think it will be different in person ???�"
Actually, we are in agreement on this point. Communication is a part of getting to know someone. As I said, "How can you truly know if someone matches "the list" unless you have spent time getting to know them?"
2. "I also disagree with your statement of NOT being Practical to be � Friends First � cuz its difficult to get out of the �Friend Zone.�� I can only speak for my self here�Ima not looking to Date my Future Mate/Husband�I am seeking My Life Partner�IE�Best Friend�I can Date anyone�I choose not to�it�s a waste of time to Date someone when there is no Connection."
You are implying three things, which I need to address separately.
First, you are implying that "future mate" and "Life Partner ie Best Friend" are not the same thing. That is in conflict with the Christian values of marriage, but I'm not sure you meant it that way.
Second, you are implying that your future spouse IS your best friend. I agree with this second point.
to clarify, Regular friendships (aka "friend zone") and relationship friendships have completely different goals and perspectives. I am just saying it can be very difficult to switch between the two. There is nothing wrong with trying it, and I admit it may actually be practical in some cases.
Thirdly, you are implying that in your case, marriage and dating are the same. I completely disagree (and that is the whole point of this topic), because I have experienced the negative effects of such a philosophy.
3. it�s a waste of time to Date someone when there is no Connection�Especially since on the Top of My List is GOD�
To twosparrows: this next section should also answer your question concerning the reason for dating.
To the contrary, you should be willing to date someone when there is no connection - ESPECIALLY when the top of your list is God! Love is more than just a list. That is a big part of what I'm trying to get across.
I am proposing that Christians should tweak the order in which they normally expect things to happen. They should be willing to go out on a date without comparing people to the formal "marriage qualifier" List beforehand.
In some ways, a date is like a job interview, only they are applying for a special, exclusive position - a relationship with you. Of course, you don't just let anyone in to the interview (for example "Christians only" is a good rule of thumb, with few exceptions), but you also wouldn't roll out the formal List until they make it to that point. By comparing someone to the List too soon, you could actually be throwing away an experience God wants someone else to have, although He might not intend for you to get married!! You would be "putting your lamp under a bowl."
lol. In a sense, you got me there - you can't throw out good judgement altogether. However, there is a distinct difference between how to choose a date and how to choose a relationship. A relationship involves commitment. A date by itself is less serious than that, and should not be treated as seriously as marriage or relationships.
For the believer, the Holy Spirit does indeed have veto power in all things.
Frankly, I'm disappointed that people are so interested in the List, since that is not the main topic. Is no one interested in the idea of dating for the benefit of others, and not ourselves? Is no one disturbed that the List often comes from pure selfishness? Doesn't it bother you that Christians use Lists to block out people who would have otherwise benefited from spending quality time with them?
To recap, this is the main focus: Christians have been treating dating like marriage. They spend too much time blocking people out for selfish reasons, instead of finding ways to let them in, by the grace of God.
I am proposing that Christians should tweak the order in which they normally expect things to happen. They should be willing to go out on a date without comparing people to the formal "marriage qualifier" List beforehand. Love is more than a list.
We should not pass up an opportunity to use dating as an opportunity to benefit others, even when there is nothing in it for us.
Yes I did miss that point. I have dated ladies who became better people because while dating them they became Christians. But that means you may have to edit your list ...Lol!
Shared ~ Thirdly, you are implying that in your case, marriage and dating are the same. I completely disagree (and that is the whole point of this topic), because I have experienced the negative effects of such a philosophy.
*** So sorry you have experienced a Negative effect with a philosophy bout datin�might I suggest ya lose the philosophy and enjoy the experience of the Date & getting to know the person�and Nope ! Ima not implyin anything...jus statin my view on it through my own personal experience...Let me clarify where ima comin from...Dating is for the purpose of Companionship & Gettin to Know someone...Who they are...What they are about...What interests them...Where they are at in Their walk with the Lord Christ Jesus...There is no List involved...Its Friendship 1st & Foremost...When Friendship is Present there is Always the Possibility of a Deeper Relationship Leading to Marriage...When & If a person finds in a Friend the Possibility of the Relationship leading to Marriage...That�s when its a time to Review the List you refer to...Not afor�hope this helps ya in some way�GOD Bless you on yer journey�xo
I disagree only because the statements and conclusions you're drawing are based only on that environment. Correct me if I'm wrong though, but basically you're saying all Christians treat dating like marriage and that's wrong? I could see it both ways were it is good to not be too committed and serious, and also bad not to be too comitted and serious. The remedy being to not get ahead of ourselves and take our cues from God through prayer and waiting on Him and letting today worry about itself.
Another thing is, for me being in an environment where it is anything but Christian and everyone has different standards and beliefs, I've learned how important those beliefs and values are and how it affects people and how corrupt company does corrupt the other person if they don't draw a line and know and stand up for what they believe is right and wrong. I would certainly be the last person to think that Christianity should be like an exclusive good ol' boys country club or one mold type of deal, but I think it's easy to let other people compromise their standards out of weakness to the point where everything becomes relative. But He's a big and good God. And it's a good thing He is in charge and not us. Everybody comes to Him from different places. Worry about yourself and not other people so much. That's not a rebuke, just some kind advice.
yes....I think the poster is 'overthinking' this. STOP DATING then~(it isn't really a scriptural principle anyway) just make friends and let the Lord choose your mate. Get rid of the pressure and go out with a group. Witness Christ, enjoy the life He gave you.
Another thought about college. A Christian school with high standards is a good place for many a dad to want his little girl to go ...and right or wrong, many girls are there for their M.R.S. ~ is that such a bad thing?
