I often read profiles with comments like, "My children are the love of my life" or "My children are first in my life" or "I live for my children".
I am wondering how a person who thinks/states this is ready to let someone else into their life for a serious relationship or life partner. Do they plan to shift their alliances when they become engaged or married?
I believe, after God, the husband/wife should be 2nd (before any one's children). If a person is constantly putting the children before their spouse, I can't see any relationship surviving. Children are in a home for such a short time in compared to the length of a successful marriage. I also think that if the spouse is 2nd to God, that it makes for a very loving and peaceful home for the children.
I have to laugh at the single moms who make statements like that and then expect that somehow men should STILL be lining up the door to date them. They already have a track record for failed relationships/marriages, and now they have made it clear that any man who dates them will play second fiddle to their children, and if that weren't bad enough, he's expected to dedicate time, money and sacrificing towards raising children that AREN'T HIS. Oftentimes such single moms don't really have a desire to have more kids, so if you want kids of your own then too bad for you.
Yeah, um, ok, what's the upside here for a man again? Because I'm not seeing it.
Even more amusing is watching these women scratch their heads wondering why they can't attract anyone, and then concluding that it must be because men are jerks. LOL
In a society heavily skewed towards preferential treatment of women in the courts and almost everywhere in life, men must assume all the risk in a relationship, while a woman assumes virtually nothing. All this, just to play second fiddle to somebody else's kids? Awesome.
Nah, I think I'm good here being single. :winksmile:
I think a lot of single moms will have to accept the fact that they will not be able to find any meaningful success in dating men until their kids are fully grown.
SO, its not just the men who say this - women do this too? I hear this comment from lots of men who only see their kids every other week, even.
While a single parent may or may not have shared custody, it stands to reason that anyone who makes babies, - both should show responsibility for them. This may mean at times that situations call for immediate attention to the child/children before the spouse, such as an emergency, or doctors appointments, meetings with school officials, etc. This would happen hopefully even in the case of the parents still together.
The kind of situation I was referring to, as I understand it, is for the biological parent to nearly ALWAYS believe that their children take precedence over their new spouse. I believe this is completely WRONG. I have a dependent child still, and while it is my responsibility to lovingly care for him and meet his needs, I would not make my life totally revolve around him, leaving any thing left for my spouse. He already knows that he is very much loved, but that my whole world DOES NOT revolve around him only.
There are lots of adjustments when people remarry, even if no children are involved. It doesn't hurt to get one's priorities straight even before getting involved in a relationship.
I think you are right, that if kids always come first, what's in it for the new spouse.
YOU SAY, "and if that weren't bad enough, he's expected to dedicate time, money and sacrificing towards raising children that AREN'T HIS. Oftentimes such single moms don't really have a desire to have more kids, so if you want kids of your own then too bad for you."
I have a different a different opinion about this. I believe that if you truly love your spouse, that you will also want to love their children, even if they are not biologically yours. It would not be much different than loving an adopted child. Love is not about not wanting to dedicate time, money, etc. for a child. Should you marry someone with children of any age, you become a blended family. there should be no MINE and YOURS, but OURS. Children, whether "yours" or not can bring a lot of joy into a person's life.
The discussion about having more kids or not should come up early on in the relationship, so that you can determine if you both are wanting the same. The rest is up to God.
Dude - your bitterness is coming through loud and clear.
I have seen profiles like what you describe. I have also seen profiles that say things like "I love being a Dad!", or "I dedicated myself to raising my children, and now that they are grown it is time for me to find someone for myself"
If you love someone -- you love all of them. Their pets, their family, their friends, their KIDS. (Of course you don't love all equally or the same - after all we all have friends and/or family members that might not be loveable to others)
My suggestion is to ask. If you are truly interested - start a dialoge and talk about it. Otherwise you are just guessing.
It's not bitterness, just a logical conclusion. A man will evaluate what upside there is to a relationship with a single mom and decide that there is none. The only bitterness I see are from the countless single moms out there who just cannot get a date to save their own lives. Tee hee. :winksmile:
Sure, if a guy is willing to love the spouse, he'll love her kids as well, which is what I'm sure single moms are desperate for. But what do these single moms have to offer in return? Why is it all about what a man can do for her, but never about what she can do for him? So if a guy complains that he is not getting enough affection in a relationship because all the attention is on the kids, he is berated for being selfish or not understanding. I deal with family court on a regular basis, and I see these attitudes all the time.
If a husband and wife have children, much of the focus will be on the kids in order to raise them into mature, responsible adults. The innate drive will be there since the children belong to both the mother and father.
It is however unnatural to see men and women raising children that are NOT theirs. That is why stepchildren do not grow up as well grounded and suffer more psychological and physical problems than the children of parents who stayed together.
As a single mother, my daughter does not appear in my profile other than to mention that she is starting college. I have been a single mom for 11 of her 17 years. Next to God, she has been the center of my life. That does not mean that I don't know the Biblical principles of marriage. As a matter of fact, my daughter is now old enough that not only can we talk about the husbands rightful authority in the family, but how when my daughter marries, "leaves and cleaves", Mom can't interfere in decisions between her and her husband. Blending families is difficult, but not impossible for people who rely on God to love through them.
I tell people that it has been my daughter and I for so long that we are joined at the hip. If a man cannot accept her as a very significant part of my life, I would not have respect for his ability to love and would not feel secure in having a relationship with him.
In the meantime, I've never felt the need to date in order to save my soul or because I was desperate. I have never been to family court and doubt that the vast majority of single moms on this site have been. I have been a court appointed child advocate and if anything were going to prove that parents don't have an innate drive to care for their children, Child Neglect/Abuse court is the place you would learn it. In all my court training, I've never seen any statistics about step-children having physiological or psychological problems. It is 80% of single parent children that end up in the Juvenile Justice system. The single parents I've met on this sight are going all out to make sure it is their children that make up the 20%.
I'm sure all of the Foster Parents and Adoptive parents will be shocked to learn that loving their children is unnatural. My love for my daughter flows out of me as naturally as blood when I'm poked.
As a Children's Director, I accept each child that walks through the door as a precious gift. I would not be able to commit to a spouse that could not find it in his heart to love my daughter and other children as I do. And, I would be committed to loving his children the best way I know how.
So, I agree with Godslamb. If you want to know what message that a man is trying to send with statements about his children, ask for clarification. But my personal opinion, I would be scared to marry a man that wanted nothing to do with my child or his own. Beware.
Oh yeah, some of those "Loser" Single parents are actually widow/widowers not divorcees and sometimes, well a lot of times, we can't explain why life happens the way it does. I've posted before and I'll say it again: One size does not fit all, you can't honestly make blanket statements about groups of people!
have the same "Bond" with the children that the biological father has. Disciplining will be harder and more difficult. Not to say that Love could not develope and often does, but it is a different deal than being the Biological Father.
The mother will always have a stronger bond with her children and only time will strengthen her "bond" with her husband.
It takes a special man to be able to handle a situation like that. He must Love children and be Slow to Anger.
friends, I do find it a little disturbing that someone would mock single mothers.
LincolnAdams- Does the word not say to love your fellow man? Joseph took care of a son that was not his. Jesus are lord and savior had to experience everything. One such thing was being raised by a man who was not his real father.
You know the virgin birth????? if Joseph did it who are you to run it down. Single mothers need Gods love to. When you mock them you will get into trouble. As a Christian you should have know better than to take these cheap shots. As a Christain God has used me to buy single mothers gifts for their kids at Christmas before. We are to love them know matter what.
LincolnAdams- As a Christian is it right to laugh at women?
Where is Gods love?
You should apoligize for the insults, be a man. You had no reason to do this here.You are out of line.
