Author	Thread: A question and comment for the separated...
thatjennygirl View Profile History	A question and comment for the separated... Posted : 24 Aug, 2009 10:30 AM If you are still married, which you are until officially divorced, why are you on a dating site? While still married, your number one priority as a Christian is to try and reconcile with your spouse. If you have exhausted all efforts and God has given a clear no on making it work, then this time needs to be spent working on your healing and growing closer to Jesus. Not only is jumping into dating shortchanging your own healing process and opportunity for self reflection and growth, it is putting your potential dates into an awkward situation either by causing them to be adulterers'/ess' (remember it's not just about the physical) or putting them in the position of "healer" or "therapist" for your unresolved issues. Post Reply
kdhny11 View Profile History	A question and comment for the separated... Posted : 24 Aug, 2009 03:13 PM My question for you is - why is this of so much concern to you personally what other people are doing in their lives? You are answerable only to yourself and yourself alone. I think this is a very unfair post on your part. Everybody's situation is different. Some people may be having a difficult time finalizing their divorce and it can drag on for years on end. Does that mean they are not entitled to strike up friendships and potential partners for the future when they are divorced? Should they be shunned like lepers? Not every separated person is looking for a healer/therapist in a partner. They may be well over it already and it is just a legal formality. I mean what is a marriage/divorce anyway - is it just about a piece of paper or government seal? Why are you only divorced because Caeser says you are divorced? Food for thought. If you want to be accurate about what scripture says, it says to not look for a spouse at all (1 Cor 7:1; 7:27) so by all rights nobody should be on this site and the site should be closed because no Christians should be looking for a spouse. I understand you mean well and you are right that it is a potential problem that must be weighed carefully and prayed about but it just comes off as judgemental and can lead to discouragement for those that are currently separated but still need love just as much as you and I. I'm sorry but I really hate legalism. It is absolutely destroying the church. We are to be motivated by Love not Law. And if anyone disagrees with me - and I know you do - I can show it to you clearly in scripture. Gal 5:22 - "against such things there is no law". Furthermore there is only one law for those in Christ and that is to Love. If you go by law, then a divorced person can never again be married unless their ex dies and as a divorced person I will fight such thinking to the end. Peace. Post Reply
View Profile History	A question and comment for the separated... Posted : 24 Aug, 2009 06:42 PM Since I had investigated child abuse for 10 years, I witnessed the results of victimization to spouses, both male and female. Over time, they may even develop a syndrome and somehow partner up with another abuser later. These spouses suffer from low self-esteem, fear, and a lack of fortitude. Many thought they had married a great person and even a Christian. But serial abusers are very intelligent and charming, and readily hide their true colors for many years until they perpetrate their abuse. To be seperated in their marriage from them means the victim had a lot of support. And to remain apart takes even more support. If someone suffers chronic abuse, the marriage is over. They may continue to cohabitate but it is not a marriage. And I have removed many a child for witnessing such abuse in the home. If the victim spouse reaches out here for hope and support, well, good for them. If they do not reach out, many return to the old abuser. If we do not want to reach back to a seperated Christian, fine, follow your spirit. But if God puts it on your heart to phileo or agape to your wounded brother or sister, then do it. But be cautious, because they are likely needy and have boundary issues, and may have never had love. You or they may easily confuse what is said, or give more meaning to things than was intended. They will take long to heal, most likely. But do we shun them? Just maybe, the Lord will lead them into true and holy matrimony, and your friendship might be part of the plan for God's blessing their lives. Post Reply
thatjennygirl View Profile History	A question and comment for the separated... Posted : 24 Aug, 2009 10:14 PM I don't know where you two are getting that I'm being legalistic or shunning anyone. I am definitely the opposite of legalistic and I do not think we should shun separated folks, let alone anyone else. I'm talking about DATING here guys. And it's not judgmental, it's called holding them accountable. Do you think it's ok for someone who is only separated to begin dating? Why or why not? Where is the logic in that from a Christian viewpoint? Just trying to get some feedback here and would appreciate respectful responses because I'm truly just trying to understand how that could be expected/accepted within the Christian community. Post Reply
thatjennygirl View Profile History	A question and comment for the separated... Posted : 24 Aug, 2009 10:28 PM I meant "within *this* Christian community". Post Reply
donpjt View Profile History	A question and comment for the separated... Posted : 24 Aug, 2009 10:44 PM Well, I hope I don't sound rude here, and if I do I apologize in advance :) Well, I personally think its people's choice whether they want to be on the site or not for whatever reasons :bow: But I agree that your question is right. Maybe you had a bad experience.. I don't know.. and I would say that Divorce or separation should be avoided at all costs and if that does happen reconciliation should be sought. And well, lastly yes, when we are in this phase we should try more to seek God and find his face and ask forgiveness for our mistakes, because it is a sin no matter what people say and we need to be reconciled to God first. And well, divorce is a tough thing, and I don't think it can be justified, but God does forgive, but we cannot look back and say that it was not our mistake. For I think that both people will be at wrong and it can rarely be only one person's mistake. I'm not the right person to comment on this, but all I can say is that it is our duty as a true Christian to follow what the Bible teaches because that is God's word for us. And besides I don't think that we can forget what the Bible says and say that there is only a law of love. Because Jesus Christ said in Matthew 5 "For truly, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the Law until all is accomplished. Therefore whoever relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever does them and teaches them will be called great in the kingdom of heaven." There is a clear warning against those who speak against what the law teaches or try to belittle what it says, because God gave the law for us to follow it. And Christ did not come to abolish the law as he himself said just before he said that sentence. So we are still bound to follow what the Bible teaches and not belittle our sins, however small we might think they are. Post Reply
thatjennygirl View Profile History	A question and comment for the separated... Posted : 24 Aug, 2009 11:14 PM First off, thank you for the respectful response. I appreciate your feedback. Second, just to clarify, I never said anything about dating after a divorce. I am not talking about divorced people here. My only question was pertaining to still married people seeking a dating life. Re-reading my original post, I do come across as judgmental, but that wasn't my intention. There is a fine line between being judgmental and holding someone accountable. I personally think that since this is a Christian dating site, there should not be an option for marrieds (or separated, same thing as far as I'm concerned). My opinion only, no one has to agree. If someone at church were openly dating while separated would that be widely accepted? Probably not. To all you separated folks, I encourage you to prayerfully reconsider being on this dating site and dating at all while still married. At least talk to a trusted spiritual mentor or pastor and get their perspective on it. Post Reply
thatjennygirl View Profile History	A question and comment for the separated... Posted : 25 Aug, 2009 11:26 AM I've got more thoughts on this subject I'd like to share...Is dating a necessity like food or water? No. But so many people in our society act like it is. God hates divorce (Mal 2:16) and wants to do everything we will ALLOW Him to do to make a marriage work. If the sep person is getting involved with someone new that is causing interference for God to do his thing. Is our God not a God of miracles? Do you really believe we with our finite minds have the power to judge the outcome of a marriage or any situation for that matter? That we have the right to call "over" in a marriage? I don't. I've seen God work miracles all around me and in my own life. In the case of abuse, absolutely stay away from the abusive spouse BUT instead of dating while separated,work through the pain and underlying issues that may have attracted the abusive person in their lives to begin with. Do you realize how many people who leave abusive relationships end up married to another abuser? They aren't digging deeper, walking through the painful, murky waters with Jesus to get to greener pastures. I've been single a number of years and I have experienced so much emotional and spiritual growth that I know I could not have experienced with a partner. The separated need to be praying, staying in the Word, WAITING for God to give them a clear answer about what to do and if that takes years, then they don't date for years. Instead they surround themselves with friendships, spiritual mentors, get counseling, whatever, but no dating. Post Reply
donpjt View Profile History	A question and comment for the separated... Posted : 25 Aug, 2009 10:13 PM I think whatever you say is right, but I think the mistake most of us make is just speaking the truth out without love, I know I'm very guilty of that because when I see something wrong, I just go plainly at war against it, though I wish I could do it lovingly, As far as I have seen most people (including myself) have an opinion about something and we are not ready to change it. And more than that, all human beings have the tendency to defend whatever wrong they have done. So for you or for me I guess its easy to say that it is wrong for a separated person to date. Because we know that we are not in that situation. But for a person in that situation, we probably will never know what goes through such a person's mind. disappointment, sadness, and most of the time in such a phase we need someone, sometimes people just hope another person might be there who will erase all the bad memories, so they might just jump ahead into dating. Now yes, according to the Bible its wrong to do that, because that means we are stuck upon ourselves and not thinking of our partner, but only thinking we are the victim, but the Bible says to be forgive and reconcile even if your brother sins against you. So as a Christian it is our duty to do that. But again as sinful men and weak, many might be broken hearted and weakened faith, so instead of looking upon God they try to find another person who might bring happiness. All we can do for such people is pray, they are already hurt and possibly, and it is our duty to speak the truth, but maybe in a loving manner. Just imagine you have a weakness and you are really upset about it and someone who does not have that weakness comes and says that all those who have that weakness are disobeying God when you know how you struggle with it. That might hurt more than it does good. Well, so maybe thats the reason people don't respond positively or take your words as judgemental. I don't think there is anything wrong with your words though. Hope I did not make it extra confusing :toomuch: Post Reply
View Profile History	A question and comment for the separated... Posted : 26 Aug, 2009 12:11 AM CDFF is a ministry much larger than it's title. Under advanced search you can look for a friend, an activity partner, a talk/email buddy, and a worship partner (not just a date, a marriage partner, or a long term relationship). Most of your choices have nothing to do with dating- but of just being friendly. God is sovereign. If your conscience is ok with you being friendly with a particular seperated person- do it (after prayer and seeking the Lord's will). If God says no, then that seperated person is not an option for anything. Over time, you will discover if they are biblically right in seeking divorce. Singles interact with marrieds all the time without asking them out for dates. Would I be ok with a saved wife having saved male friends at work or at church? Yes. My self-esteem is high enough from God's love to trust a wife. Would I want a wife going out for long private lunches with any guy? No! But sure, if with a group of females and males. Seperated persons are in the greatest need of Christian friends and mentors. If God brings one your way, believe He is sovereign and seek His will for your service to that person. If anything, CDFF should screen us all for the grounds of our divorce. And only allow those who meet the biblical standards. I wonder how many would be left... Post Reply
tristan07 View Profile History	A question and comment for the separated... Posted : 26 Aug, 2009 03:25 AM if you knew my story, and the history of my * marriage* .. lol um... life aint always easy. And when your wife of 9 years leaves you abruptly for someone she met online, a year ago, oh did I say abruptly? she left me 5 times and cheated with 4 different men, and I ddi everything in my ability to keep this family intact. You're talking to superman here, no kidding. but now, im healed, im good to go, I have a great girl, and life is on it's way again. And I didnt even meet her on here, I met her in person. I just stay on here for my freinds. In fact my profile, for. what? 6 months now? has said im off the market? nah girl, we all have reasons for leaving, and reasons we were left behind, and we all lie, and make it seem like we were the good guys/girls, oddly enough, I was the good guy. Divorce is just a pain the the but, and it takes time, and we all just need to be a good community and support one another no matter what the situation is, and help work through it. thats my say. Post Reply

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