Author	Thread: Dating after abuse??
luvinpray View Profile History	Dating after abuse?? Posted : 5 Nov, 2013 06:43 PM I have a question about dating after abuse? I have a long history with abusive guys, so when I finally realized something was wrong I stopped dating, ended up becoming a Christian, and really healing my life. I didn't date for about 2 years. My best friend and I decided to date because we felt a connection there. Well dating him just didn't feel right. I didn't feel like he was going to be the man I marry, so there was no reason to keep dating him. I valued his friendship way more then I did a boyfriend. So my question is what does healthy dating feel like? Do you still get all those feelings like butterflies, and little crush? Do you think maybe I just need more time to sort through how I feel? I guess I'm just confused about the whole Christian dating. It is so different then how I used to date. For one the men are different, they actually treat you with respect, and are kind to you. They value your opinions. But they take forever to ask girls out too. lol. So you have trouble knowing if they like you. Most of my past relationships were based on sex and abuse. Which I haven't been sexual now for two years, I wonder if that will change the chemistry and feelings towards a guy I date. I don't believe that Christians should be having sex, I've seen too much of the consquences of it, so I know I won't want that in my future relationships unless he puts a ring on it. Should I just stay single and not date until I figure out myself more? Or should I date as long as I can keep it healthy and pure? I missed a lot of the social interaction that most people have when they are younger. At 18 I got married, and was married till I was 27 to an abusive controlling man. So my social dating skills are lacking big time. lol. I still have a hard time getting to know a guy and trusting him. My best friend is the first guy I've let get so close to me, and it's been a year since we met. I've noticed as each year passes and I heal more, my self esteem grows and my wants in a relationship change. So maybe I just need to make more healthy male friend relationships? Post Reply
View Profile History	Dating after abuse?? Posted : 5 Nov, 2013 07:28 PM Glad you're out of the relationship, met Jesus and desire to remain pure till you are married. I haven't been blessed with a Christian marriage. I was also in an abusive marriage. He tried to kill me actually. It ended long ago, and now with Jesus and have accepted that HIS love, God's love, is unconditional. Also that I know I'm worthy of a Godly man in my life if God desires me to be married. I've learned a lot of patience and been alone now over 13 yrs. Not even a date. I've been asked but I dont desire the ones who have asked. I believe God is molding the man I need right now, and molding me for this man as well. If you've only been divorced 2 yrs, my advice is to spend more time in the word of God, its an awesome Love Story Written by Our Creator for HIS children, US, that HE loves so much, to find those words in HIS word, the bible! Remember as I am, you are not a victim anymore, but a victor through Christ Jesus! Learning forgiveness, patience, true love for others with compassion, has been a difficult journey for me, these past 9 years. Honestly I wouldnt trade it for anything else. Even a man! My desire is to walk so close to God, that the 'man' will have to seek God to find me! I believe with all my heart, when it happens, we'll both know it. Please pray, asking God to take these bad memories away from you and do what HE pleases with them. And remember that when you pray for God to help you in these things and pray for a man, the desire of your heart. That it could be 5, 10, 20 yrs down the road. In the meantime, you'll meet other men, go out, and find they arent the one either. But thank God for the bad experiences for they will teach you alot. As far as worrying every day as U tell my own adult daughters: Not to continue dwelling on a bad past that is over, dead, gone, cant be fixed, brought back, learn from it and leave it in the past where it belongs. As long as we desire to dwell in the past, we are only going to allow tomorrow to be as icky as we allowed today to be. I choose joy, laughter, love with my Lord! God bless you! Post Reply
luvinpray View Profile History	Dating after abuse?? Posted : 5 Nov, 2013 07:39 PM Wow, thank you so much for your response. Def the words I needed. Well it is tricky because my ex husband was a preacher. So I still have hang ups with certain scriptures, preachers (if they have deep southern accents), etc. I think your right. I do need more time to just fall in love with the Lord, and let him heal every inch of the brokenness in my heart. I had a lot of brokenness caused by men, and I do not want to project that on to my Christian brothers, future dates, or future husband. I still struggle with my past because it was really traumatic, and still have nightmares. But God has already done miracles in my life, and I believe he will keep it doing them. I am actually really busy now with getting my life together as a single mom. I was too dependent on my ex, so I have had to learn how to work, pay bills, get my own place, and now I'm also in school. It is amazing to think how far I have come. So maybe like you said my "husband" God is still working on. Or maybe it's me God still needs to work on before we can find each other. I'm not terrified to be alone like I used to. But the feelings that come and go every couple of months of the desire to be loved, and have a family tug at me. And having a child, I wish that they had a good father figure in their life. But maybe I just need to have more faith, and show my child they can depend on God instead of man? Well thank you for your response. :) Post Reply
Lukia^ View Profile History	Dating after abuse?? Posted : 6 Nov, 2013 04:43 AM Sorry for all that you have gone through,but i thank God that you have found Him and He will be great help to you. Take your time my sister. Pray for healing.Thank God that now you are busy so you won't have to think about the past all the time.If its possible i would advice you not to date until you feel you are healed and ready to build another relationship.When you are in a situation like this its like you are in school,you learn alot.And when you get into another relationship,you will be marvelous. About chemistry,it doesn't change,its only suppressed.When you meet the right person,it will come back but now wisely,with control, not like 18 years old. God bless you sister,and give you strength every day of your life. Post Reply
View Profile History	Dating after abuse?? Posted : 6 Nov, 2013 09:02 AM Forgive & let go. Dont over-think/analyze. Pray. Dont worry too much. You are doing fine. Post Reply
1jon310 View Profile History	Dating after abuse?? Posted : 7 Nov, 2013 08:39 PM Sister May Jesus bring you complete healing for what you have gone through and the things that caused your guard to be down for such men. I agree with our sisters... wait, grow in Christ, learn to have healthy relationships without the romantic overtones, and (hardest) learn what it is to be content with yourself and who you are in Jesus. Allow your Heavenly Father to bring his match to you I His time. This isn't being passive but actively waiting. "Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength." r Post Reply
CHIVALRYversusDATING View Profile History	Dating after abuse?? Posted : 17 Nov, 2013 01:15 PM Luvinpray, we are proud of you Sister! Post Reply
sisygirl View Profile History	Dating after abuse?? Posted : 17 Nov, 2013 06:52 PM You can say that again Chivalry We're so proud of her! :applause: Post Reply
Mercymay View Profile History	Dating after abuse?? Posted : 24 Nov, 2013 09:07 PM Dating after abuse�.reading about your circumstances I felt puzzled and I believe there has to be a definition of what an abusive relationship is. You married young and was dependent on your preacher husband and now being single parent learnt to be independent. I wonder if what triggered the abuse was the extent of your previous dependency. I am fond of watching dr phil show and I just also try to analyze the situation. And what I think is, IF your ex is not yet hitched on someone else and still want to be with you and you also have not found someone else, maybe there is chance of the two of you reconciling, maybe this time it will work with some maturity and growth. I believe a relationship with someone else other than your ex is not a guarantee it will work, you might find your ex a better man than the new one. I think it is best for the children. Unless the abuse here is short of losing your life, those by over jealous men, low self esteemed, who tend to commit crimes of passion. My experience a long time ago was in that category. Post Reply
View Profile History	Dating after abuse?? Posted : 24 Nov, 2013 11:31 PM Love can be like wet soap, the harder you try to get a hold of it the faster it slips out of your hands. Post Reply
View Profile History	Dating after abuse?? Posted : 1 Dec, 2013 10:16 AM Mercymay, I just want to clarify that a victim of abuse is NEVER responsible for being abused - no matter how dependant, how young that person is. It's about how it is never acceptable for one person to abuse another. Here is a definition from the Women's aid website : "What is domestic violence? In Women's Aid's view domestic violence is physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour. This can include forced marriage and so-called 'honour crimes'. Domestic violence may include a range of abusive behaviours, not all of which are in themselves inherently 'violent'. The Home Office defines domestic violence as "Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. This can encompass but is not limited to the following types of abuse: � psychological � physical � sexual � financial � emotional Controlling behaviour is: a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour. Coercive behaviour is: an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.�* *This definition includes so called �honour� based violence, female genital mutilation (FGM) and forced marriage, and is clear that victims are not confined to one gender or ethnic group." http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272 I also would NOT recommend going back to an abusive ex. Only because, even though Jesus can transform anyones life, the problem could be that a relationship could fall back into old patterns. Also a characteristic of most abusers is that they don't feel they have done anything wrong. This of course means that the behaviour would start again. As for going back to an ex being better for children, well I would not agree. Because of the abusive situation, the children would be much safer and happier without it. Remember, any form of abuse is wrong and ALL types of abuse are equal - even if it is not 'short of losing your life'. You deserve the best. Luvinpray, I think you are so brave. You are so beautiful in God's eyes, and thus you deserve only the best! Only you, and God, can decide what is best for you. I am trying to figure that out myself, I was in an abusive relationship for many years. Just go with feels right, know the signs of an abusive individual, and PRAY. :) God will guide you, he wants you to be happy. Whatever you do, just rest in Jesus, and know that you are so capable of doing whatever you want. You should be so proud of yourself! You've come so far and I can see your strength as a woman of God. I am praying for you, sister. :) Ella xxxxxxxxxx Post Reply

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