The question is... how does one 'know'?? I mean, once you get past some of the infatuation, and the butterflies, once you talk and interact for a period of time, after you've asked lots of questions and answered even more... what makes a really good person into a really good match? How do you decide? Once a commitment has been made, I feel pretty comfortable in the idea of putting the necessary work into a marriage. I know I will be devoted and true, I know I will not stray, I know I will be kind and good and loving and attentive. What I don't know is how to make the decision of who to invest in. I thought that I looked carefully at my first husband. But, that didn't turn out even remotely how it should have.
It's just, how do I know if I would make a specific someone happy? Happy enough to stay? What's the difference (that I can see now) between a guy who will eventually stray and one who will be there forever and always? How can I prove to you who I am? How can you prove to me who you are? How do we make sure that neither of us is just really really really wanting to be married? There's nothing wrong with wanting to be married, it's just that I want to stay married for the rest of my life this time. It would be no good to try and make a good man happy if ultimately he is not the right one for me. So how do I discern?
Do you wonder these things too? At night, when you lay in bed and think about what it would be like to be married, to truly be in love and know that someone was there for you always... do you wonder how to be sure? I do. As much as I long for someone to touch my heart, I also feel the need to guard it carefully... to be wary of anything that could signal trouble. I want to love again, I want to surrender to those feelings, but I just want to be respectful about it. I want to do it in a way that brings joy to another, to me, and most of all brings glory to God.
According to God's Word, I believe the most important thing to do when considering a relationship with someone, especially marriage, is to examine if you will, the relationship they have with God.
Are they faithful to God?
A person's faithfulness to God is an accurate indicator of the faithfulness you can expect from them within a marriage. Beware of the man or woman that seems willing to be faithful to you, but is not faithful to God, for sooner or later that faithfulness will wane / pass away, since it was never initiated or established by the leading of God's Spirit within the person to begin with.
What kind of friends do they have?
Do they regularly attend church, and are they an active part of a church body who has known them for a descent amount of time?
Are they regularly in the Word of God?
These "can be" good indicators of someone's relationship with Jesus, or "lack of".
It is only the presence of the Lord within someone that will be able to sustain a marriage or truly love you (or your children) unconditionally.
Truthfully speaking, everyone has their imperfections. We are not perfect, and never will be. Fast and pray for your future husband. Leave the rest to God.
As far as determining whether he is a good fit and whether his level of faithfulness will be similar to that of yours depends. We never know what tomorrow brings to our emotions. We never know if we are gaoing to end up in tears on Sunday, or be joyous and prosperous on Thursday, nor do we know when we are going to be promoted in our job positions. Same applies to whom our future husbands or wives will be in the future. We do not know what will happen to them down the line. Should they die, divorce, separate, fall sick, or become unfaithful? All these are questions we cannot answer even when we think we have known the person. What we can do is put our partners before the Lord, pray and fast together. When trials and tribulations occur, don't panic. Instead, hold each others hands, even after a heated argument, and pray. All things are temporary, not permanent. It will come to pass.
You may have gone through a hard relationship with your ex-husband before, but don't let those experiences ruin the chances of other suitors who show up to your door. One day you will chase away a God sent suitor for you and wonder why you are still searching. I am not implying that you cannot be selective of the men you see as your potential husband or partner.
If you and your partner are compatible for each other (get along well with each other, engage in many activities: outdoor and indoor, share the same faith taking time to pray together where possible, respect and honor each other).
The test is time. Time will determine if a relationship works or not.
Most often fear causes individuals to move to quickly.
If you really think about it. If you plan on spending your life together with someone what is the deal about waiting and allowing the relationship to prove its self?
It is our lusts of the flesh. Physical attraction makes individuals make poor decisions. Until you resolve the need for physical stimulation one will never be capable to choose wisely.
I agree with LTM about not rushing....however I also believe that many times two believers wait too long. Some make engagements for over a year and my question is why? If you know you are going to marry then why not marry sooner? In LTM's case, his woman is a long ways away and that makes sense...but for those who live close I don't understand the wait many times.
I think most of us are in this situation.We keep asking questions in our hearts that most of the time have no answers until we get into relationships and know how to deal with it.
But i believe time will always tell you more about your partner and you too.And even as we take time put it in prayer,ask for God's guidance,pray earnestly and God is faithful,he will reveal to you what you ask and the fears in your heart.
Online dating especially for long distance,is not easy.One has to really trust in God to make the right decision and choice.
I also wrestle with these questions. It's easy to get paralyzed with fear when I analyze it to death. The thing about marriage is that it's between two broken people...and it's one of the few situations in life where a decision is permanent and also has the potential to cause so much pain and heartache. So...here's what I've figured out so far.
1) Every partner will have their flaws. Choosing one means we have to know ourselves well enough to know what problems are deal breakers for us and which aren't.
2) Trusting another flawed human requires us to trust ourselves enough to know that we can handle whatever challenges arise.
3) The single most valuable trait I can find in a potential mate is the ability to recognize when they are acting in a hurtful way and the willingness to change.
4) If I communicate to the person I 'm dating what behavior I find offensive or hurtful and that person consistently empathizes with the pain they cause and makes adjustments to avoid repeating hurtful behavior, I know they are a safe person that can be trusted.
5) Staying out of bed is CRITICAL!!!! It helps us to continue to think straight and evaaluate our dates correctly instead of only seeing what we want to see (through the haze of hormones). It also shows us if that other person has the maturity that we need them to have. Can they delay gratification...do they do what's best for the relationship even when it's hard...are they capable of self-control...do they respect and honor us or do they use us for pleasure without counting the cost?
6) Love is always a risk. If we do it right, it will always make a fool out of us. But we have to follow Solomon's advice and not "stir up love before it pleases." If we want the best, we have to use wisdom and be patient
Thanks everyone, for your input! I realize it's not the kind of question with a 'right' answer, more of a pondering really.
AudreeMaye, I really liked your thoughts, that is just the kind of response I was hoping for when I wrote this question. It's not like I didn't know or think through all these things the first time around, and the point about everyone having some flaws was very forefront in my mind. But, somehow, I managed to hope in someone who wasn't willing to grow forward through his flaws. Again, I really thought long and hard about it, I just didn't know enough to make the right choice.
This time around, I have two little girls counting on me to make the right choice, so the stakes are much higher. Hopefully I will figure out how to 'get it right' and make a choice that will benefit our entire family.
Again, thanks to all who responded, and blessings in your search.
You know who we are is changing everyday! Every second if you really want to get technical about it. How are we to truly know ourselves if we are always changing. Let alone how are we to know someone else who is also changing. You have to take a leap of faith I guess. You have to trust that God will show you what you need to know about yourself, your date, and how you relate with them.
Our human minds like to think we can figure it all out. We like to think we know our flaws and others flaws. But do we really? I know God certainly knows.
To me relationships with all people, not just proposed marriage partners, are like mirrors that God strategically places in our lives to help us to see ourselves and the impact we are having on the people in our lives. People are one of the many ways God helps us to grow and to learn to love like Christ. Unconditionally.
So my advice is.......Don't diminish the love you have to give by over analyzing it. Love is simple. It was never meant to be difficult. We were born to love! :-) Just look at a new born child. It is pure love! It does not need to explain its love or justify it. Children feel love! they don't think it.
It seems as we grow older we tend to forget just how easy it really is to give love! After being hurt our defense mechanism start to develop. Some of us dwell in guilt and shame, some become cynical, some indifferent, some ultra critical. The list goes on an on.
For me the joy of giving Love out weighs the joy of receiving it.
And how am I to share this love I have inside if I let it become poisoned by the complexities of mind.
Jesus had a clean heart and head. He knew that forgiveness was the key. In this way he purified his love. He gave of himself completely ,without all of the baggage of his past, all the time. Just pure unconditional love! :-) He never asked to be loved in return, he simply just loved!
So forgive often,have faith, let your LOVE! pour forth and let God do the rest! :-)
