For several years... that's right, YEARS!, I have been seeking the Lord's will in leading me to my special someone.
Through this site, and a few others, from time to time I have been blessed with e-mail and IM exchanges that flow beautifully, and even progress to phone conversations. And then, the time comes to meet in person... and that's the end of it all. Almost invariably, the ladies tell me that I seem like a friend or a brother.... but they instantly write me off as someone they don't want to pursue any further toward a relationship.
I'm at a total loss as to how to understand this... they tell me that I have a lot to offer to a girl (I'm a nice guy, very sincere, Godly, etc.), but they aren't interested. Every time I go through this with someone, my hopes for finally breaking out of this rut and meeting my special lady grow just a little dimmer.
I'm getting so frustrated and so burnt out on this whole thing. Can someone please help me? And tell me how I might find a Godly lady who just might be willing to let things progress beyond just one date before writing me off completely?
I'm not sure what could help you find a lady... I read your profile and you seem to be a solid and stable fellow (I used to be in the accounting field too!). And there weren't any red flags! I think maybe it's just one of those things where you really just need wait on the Lord and rest in Him. Part of having faith in God is recognizing His sovereignty and knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He is weaving your future together perfectly. Even when things happen that we don't like and when things don't happen that we really want, we can be assured that none of that goes on without our Lord walking us through it and sanctifying us. Our trust in Him is manifest, in part, through our diligence in the everyday tasks that God sets before us. In that obedience, God works in us and through us to accomplish His will. And while we certainly can't force our desired outcomes, we can be sure that God is 100% faithful and that what lies at the end of each road of obedience is a treasure that is greater than what we usually sought after in the first place.
Did you ever ask one of those women why they felt that way after you guys met in person? Or, maybe there were certain pattern of all those first dates?
I'm sorry to hear this causes you so much pain and frustration.
I think what the girls said was right - there isn't really anything you could do except for 1) trust pray and wait 2) ask these girls the reasons they rejected you for.
I know it can feel awkward. Especially knowing that each and every of us on this site has the desire to meet a godly mate for life - we tend to to seek actively. But you're not the only one on here who has not been in a relationship or dated for a long time, or who has been rejected. As Pixy said - God is in control and He is faithful! Rom 8:28 'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him'. As many others said it before to many of us - these girls neither of them was meant for you, so be glad. God has someone awesome in store for you and He simply does not want you to waste your time feelings and other resources for the wrong ones! Pray and keep your eyes open - when the right girl appeares, you will know. And she will, too!
However, if you do get any feedback from those girls you wanted to date - take it seriously. And maybe seek advice from your good friends (either male or female). Just some ideas - maybe you treat girls like 'buddies' instead of showing a somewhat more romantic attitude? or the other way round, maybe you're too serious from the start and it scares them off? how about showing affections - aren't you too hasty or too indifferent? I seriously think that talking to a parent/a good friend/a pastor could help you get the feedback and change things that need being changed. Whatever happens, don't get discouraged, but also try to accept God's will. He's got a perfect plan for you!
Yes, I've asked every lady who's told me that why they felt that way... but no one will give me a straight answer! They all say it's a "gut feeling" or make up some other vague excuse.
Do girls expect physical affection on the first date? I'm definitely an affectionate person, but lately I've become a lot more guarded with it than what I used to be... I don't want to so much as hold hands with anyone else ever again until we agree to be boyfriend and girlfriend. The affection will definitely come, but there is a time and a place for it and I don't want to just give it away until I know I have her love and respect.
What are some things I can do to set a more romantic overtone on the first date without being overbearing and scaring the girls away?
I am so sick and tired of investing a month or more in e-mails and phone conversations, only to have it all go up in a puff of smoke after one date! Is there anyone out there for me, or am I truly in this world all alone?
And I really am not open to a long distance relationship either... I don't want to invest my hard-earned money in travel expenses (has anyone bought a plane ticket lately???) only to have it all end in disaster the same way everything else has so far. I've tried that once, and I never want to go through that again.
Did it only happen on long term relationship or any kind of first date? Maybe if you tell us the summary of the first dates you have been through that end up you were being those girl's brother, will help us a little bit to find out why =)
Well, you are a handsome man, just be patient.Love knows no distance.I can introduce you to some of my friends.But if from the start you have prejudice, you can't value any other person.Set no boundaries and limits.There is really one out there who will love you for who you are.Men can choose and women only wait.So just go for it, take the risk.
Maybe you put too much of your best foot forward. Meaning you're too calculated and so focused on being safe you become boring in their eyes. Keep them on their toes by staying on yours. Trust, but don't assume. Be random and not so inhibited, like get out there and do what you like. I'm not saying be reckless with their hearts if you care about them, and you should care, but a lot of us go to the other extreme when we get the lovey dovey feeling, and lose the excitement that got things going and get complacent, passive, docile, stale and... boring because there is no longer any real substance to feed the relationship and keep it going. Also you might want to check out charismatips .com. I just discovered it and am finding some great help there. Keep going and don't give up. You can do it.
oh man, I did not mean getting physical during the first date at all. What I meant by 'affection' was more like attention. You know, opening the doors, taking the coat from her, maybe giving a flower? all the small things that would make a girl feel more than a buddy. I am speaking for myself (but hope other christians agree) that a guy who would randomly grasp my hand or try to kiss me on our first date can only expect being slapped.
Anyways, listen to Brandon as he's proved himself wise and experienced (even though he's still on this site lol).
Oh and I must say I don't quite understand why you want to limit yourself to Indianapolis. I see your point about investing lots of money in a risky business, but oh well... isn't the meeting of your God-ordained wife worth buying a plane ticket? I can't agree with that. I am currently saving money to be able to meet someone :) and I know he is, too :) In the meantime we pray a lot and give it up to the Lord. I guess He will show us the way.
It is almost like you have becoming boring in their eyes... that is why you would get the brother and friend I would think. There needs to be an air of excitement, mystery and adventure.
Us girls want to be pursued! To be drawn in.
As for how to do that... I don't think I can tell you. BUT there was someone who also mentioned setting no boundaries and no limits... be willing to go with whatever happens to find the one who is for you!
Like others have said, you're likely doing too many things that send off a "friend" vibe. When these women tell you that it's a "gut feeling" thing, they really mean it. They might not know how to describe it, but they aren't lying. Whatever you're doing isn't making their heart go pitter-patter. After all, just because someone checks off all the right boxes on the Official Potential-Spouse Checklist doesn't mean that you're going to want to be anything more than friends with them.
My first suggestion is to get off the internet as quickly as possible. When you meet a girl online, if things are going well after a couple emails, ask for her number. Call her once, talk to her for 10 minutes (not 2 hours!), and then set up a time to get together in person. Already have a plan in mind, such as coffee at Starbuck's (so you can make sure she isn't scary and run away if you need to), then all you need is to figure out a time that works for both of you.
This shows her that you're interested in getting to know her better, but being very intentional about it. Having a plan shows that you've thought ahead, and that you aren't so lazy you expect her to do all the planning. You can adapt the plan if need be, but at least you had a plan.
Next, let's get back to this "gut feeling" stuff. Brandon pretty much hit the nail on the head with that one. Essentially, your behavior determines whether or not you make a girl's heart go pitter-patter or not. Avoid being passive. Do what you can to express confidence. Joke around with them. Teasing is ok as long as it's not mean-spirited. You don't necessarily have to go straight for romantic if you're actions are fun, confident, funny, confident, flirty, and confident.
Remember to make sure that you aren't trying to buy a woman's time. I think paying for a woman is polite, but you shouldn't do it expecting her to like you more because of it. The same goes for presents/flowers. Giving her a single rose on the second or third date coming from a place of, "I got this for you because I thought you would like it, not because giving it to you would make you like me more" will get you way further than a dozen roses on the first coming from a place of, "Please like me! Please like me! Please like me!"
Finally, I understand restricting your search locally. While the argument that finding your wife is worth the cost of a plane ticket can be made, the woman God has for you is very likely nearby and you would be spending hundreds or thousands of dollars to go meet women you'll never see again. If God calls you to date a woman long distance, I'm sure he'll change your heart.
