Ladies how would you respond, honestly, if a guy you knew as a friend, perhaps not a close friend, approached you one day and said he wanted to talk to you and afte he started talking to you, you quickly realize that he is telling you that he has "feelings" for you. How would you respond? As a twist let's make this a two situational question. The first situation let's say you are single...for the second situation let's say you have a child and are living with the child's father, but not married. I know this sounds kind of like those stories that start out with "I have friend...." I'm curious to know what might run through a woman's head when she is being confronted with the feelings of another towards her.
The second situation is one that doesn't apply to me at all, so I don't know how I would respond.
The first situation, though, could actually happen to me...and I've thought it through. If one of my single guy friends (I'm not extremely close to any of them) approached me in that way, I would probably be flattered. Depending on the guy, I would most likely agree to at least get to know him better so that I could determine whether or not I could return his feelings. In the case of one friend, though, I know that I would never want to date him, and I would have to try to gently tell him so...it might harm our casual friendship, but I wouldn't want to lead him on.
I know that my perspective is not usually typical. To just point blank answer your question...I cannot relate to this woman's lifestyle. I'm thinking that I'm supposed to assume that she is unhappy? Or, are you assuming that she's still available because there is not marriage certificate? If I was happy in a relationship, and you shared your feelings with me, it would put a strain on our relationship. I would struggle with any communication with you as being falsely encouraging you. If I was unhappy...as in my abusive marriage. I would be too overwhelmed to deal with the issue and probably withdraw from you with, "Great, another problem to deal with." I was fighting to keep my head above water. It wouldn't have been perceived as rescue.
A more important aspect to your dilemma is that you don't mention her having any love for our Lord. You are a sweetheart for wanting to save her from herself, but she is more likely to pull you away from God than you are likely to "fix" her life.
Also, re-examine your feelings. Are they pity, affection, wanting to banish loneliness,...
I think the best thing that you can do for her is to witness to her about Jesus in your life, pray, and invite her to Christian functions. Until she wants to get her life right with God, she is a time bomb for you.
I am very lonely at times!! What you said I think is probably exactly what would happen. She would probably pull away for fear of adding a problem to her life or simply the "new" awkwardness between us...I think on a regular basis she isn't happy but I think she allowing herself to become content with what she has...even if that means putting up with the unhappiness in her life. She does believe in God and attends church somewhat regularly with her grandmother and takes her daughter with her. She has never mentioned the father figure attending with her. She has from time to time flirted with me but I feel that she is simply one who flirtls, especially with someone she nows will respond to it...it may seem harmless to her but it has messed with my emotions in the past. thank you so much for your honesty and wisdom. Perhaps I won't approach her and let what is simply be...I just know I'm tired of being alone.
You are not alone! I think most people on this site feel lonely. God created us to have a desire for relationship...with Him. Marriage is the closest thing on earth to the Trinity. God has gifted very few people with the desire for celibacy. My first husband (died from cancer) was a godly man and I treasured every day with him. He was worth the wait, but my second husband was borderline sociopath. So I speak from experience when I say singleness is better than a bad marriage.
Holidays are hard too. It would have been nice to have someone hold my hand during fireworks, or to throw marshmellows at during a picnic. I don't understand God's timing, but I know that I can trust Him. And, I know that sandiaboy is feeling the same thing where he is at. God never stops working in our lives, we just can't always see it.
Rose, as usual, has some great advice and words of wisdom for you.
My suggestion, based on my own possible reaction to the first example, would be to not approach her right away directly. Ask a trusted friend to bring up the subject -- in a casual, off-hand way -- about how she feels about the man. What if he were to want to ask her out -- how would she feel about that? That gives the lady a chance to think about it. Instead of being surprised and confronted and having the awkward situation where you might not know what to say but there he is sitting right in front of you and most girls wouldn't want to hurt your feelings, but it was all of a sudden and you just don't know how you feel...... you get the idea. That is how I would probably react if a guy I knew started talking to me about wanting to date. If I had time to think and pray about it ahead of time it would not be so awkward, and I would be able to talk to the guy about it. Actually, that works for both examples you gave.
I didn't read anyone else's reply but here's my response.
If I were single I would tell him thank you for being vulnerable with me, and that I would need to think about what he said for a few days. I would probably re-evaluate if I could have any feelings from him, however usually when a guy is already a friend..him bringing up feelings just feels really awkward.
Unless you are sending mixed signals or have made it obvious you have no interest, girls usually know how you feel. I used to have lots of guy friends, and without them saying anything I knew they were interested. When they did bring it up, it was just really awkward for awhile.
I have a child and for awhile I was open to making things work with the dad if that was God's will. But if I'm in a relationship I am only focused on that person. No matter how bad the relationship is, I'm committed until it's done. If a guy shared his feelings with me, I would feel like that was disrespectful. It puts me in an awkward position. If I do consider it, I am allowing an outside person interfere with prior commitments. If i left the person...would another guy be able to do the same in the next relationship.
It's like cheating...if a girl is willing to cheat on her bf with you, what makes her immune to doing it to you as well.
Honestly, your friend probably knows you like her. At best you might be a back up plan. If she's with someone else, wait for her to end it on her own. If she's not willing to leave a bad relationship for herself, doing it for you isn't really healthy.
Being at back up is nothing more than her using me to satisfy in her mind the negative relationship she is....if she is willing to put up with a negative sitation because she feels that in the back of her mind that I'll always be there...then she is using me. Is that something that woman do a lot of?? Because if this lady is guilty of doing that then that makes two woman in my life that have used me in this manner. Is that all I'll ever be woman out?? An excusable escape to a bad relationship???
First, as long as God is on His throne, we all have hope, and 26 is much too young to be talking about "ever." I am exactly twice your age, and honey, you have no idea how much God is going to teach you in the next 26!
What you're describing is not a gender issue. It is a sin nature issue. Some personalities are more inclined to use people. Other personalities are what we might call natural givers. Who are the users going to want to be around? Not other users. Of course users go after givers. Unfortunately, there are also the givers that get used so much or so extremely they develop the attitude that they are going to use the next person before they get used again. That can make givers very hurt and angry, but takers are never happy. They never get enough. You my dear, have plenty of hope of finding a wonderful woman.
My question to you is how are you going to keep from attracting users again. What kind of limits can you set where you are still kind to people in need without letting them take advantage of you. Boundaries in Dating by Henry Cloud and John Townsend is a really good book. It may be available on CD - not sure. Another is When Pleasing You is Killing Me by Les Carter Phd.
BTW People who marry before they are 25 are 80% more likely to get divorced. Your brain literally doesn't stop growing until you're 21. Let God prepare you...and your wife.
