The background : I am a widower, 41 and younger looking, with 2 small boys (6 and 4). There's more info in my profile if you want to get the whole story, but it's been about 2 years since the accident and the kids and are moving forward with much grace from God. I have been dating again for about the last year or so, off and on, but haven't found whoever God has for me, if He has.
Question 1: What is your position on dating a widower? Before you jump in with a quick ' No problem here', let me explain a little about why I ask. I have been met with many different responses from a few sites. Some have had a problem because I had a history with the kids and my late wife that the person I asked out would obviously not have been a part of. Still others have looked at me strange for even trying to date. Is it easier to date someone divorced than someone widowed, because our relationship didn't end badly (well, you know what I mean)? Just looking for opinions so that I can try to understand where God has me now.
Question 2 : I have my age range opened pretty wide because I have also noticed a fair amount of profiles of women my age have grown kids (even grand kids). What is your take on stepping into a family and helping to raise kids with a potential spouse if they are not yours? And what age should I be looking at to find someone who is mature enough to handle that but old enough so that we are compatible? I can say I tend to get along with people a little younger than me (my late wife was 10 years younger).
If I haven't provided enough information, just post and I'll provide it. As I said, I just am looking for some insight.
1. I dun think its a problem to date a widow tho i never do that. but the way u think bout that, i think it was a little too much. stop thinking too much lol ure gonna be just fine as long as ure following what Jesus told u :)
2. This may sound cliche but no one knows what best for u except Jesus, so just like when u asked for His directions when u were meeting ur wife, why dun u do the same thing u have done before? i guess it must be easier for u as ure going the path u have ever walked before rite :)
Firstly let me say, much kudos to you for having the guts to date again, and to continue to bring your boys up in a God-centered home.
Regarding your questions - (these are just my thoughts only - take 'em or leave 'em!)
1. I find it bizarre that anyone would question you wanting to date again - becoming a widower does not make you immune to being human! I would argue that a divorced person is no easier to date than a widower - they too have a history with their partner and kids that the 'new' person has not been involved with. Each scenario comes with its own set of unique problems, and with divorce the nuts and bolts of the situation (ie legal settlements, custody, financial arrangements) can literally take years to resolve...as can extreme emotions like anger. All of these impact on a new relationship. Of course if not handled correctly the fallout of the loss of a spouse can cause massive problems too - but you seem to have your head put on right, are open and honest about your situation. Please understand that I am in no way minimising what you have been through - but it baffles me that anybody has made you feel like somehow you are not ready or able to date again...if you feel ready, go for it - and really, if the woman you take out can't handle your situation, she ain't right for you!
2. I don't think you should be worried about the age of someone - I think you need to be worried about her maturity levels. Age and maturity often - but do not always - go together. Younger women can be just as mature as older women. This is obviously something you have to assess on an individual basis...I can't comment further. Personally though, I think a late 20's / early 30's yr old (for example) should be mature enough to handle your situation for sure.
Regarding stepping into a family and helping raise kids, I'll speak as someone who has dated guys with kids before. It is extremely difficult...and the only person who can make it easier on her is you. I have to speak carefully here, because I am not sure that I want children, so my opinion may be coloured by that, but you can make it a lot easier on her by supporting her and honouring her as part of the family in front of your kids - they will follow you. She also needs to not move too fast...kids need time to adjust to these changes, so whoever you are with needs to be aware that she is probably mentally and emotionally a lot further along than the kids and they need time and space to catch up. Like I said before...a late 20's / early 30's yr old should definitely be mature enough to have an understanding of this. (depending on her life experiences)
Like I mentioned, all of this is just my thoughts...I hope it helps you in some way. I wish you all the best in finding what you are looking for, and much happiness
for me i'd rather date or get to know someone who is a widower rather than a divorced or separeated man. why? 1st, even if i was not a part of the family the man am dating (assuming), i know that in his heart, that part with his departed love is already a closed book, meaning, it is already a chapter done, and treasured. Not to be erased but rather sketched into memory of him and his family. That should be respected for him and for his kids. It is already hard that the tragedy happended. The scars will be there but if one is healed, it would be a wonderful memory right. And that is the reason why you are already looking for dates, it only means you are or have already moved on.
well for me and this is only my opinion and that may not be of generallity...there is always a story behind every divorce or separation. It can be compatibility issues, financial issues, or unsettable differences. I may not know the real reason but then again, there is a big issue with the marriage why it never worked out. Yes there are life lessons that sometimes people need to go through the hardway. I see it as a much complicated issue when it comes to engaging a divorced person or separeated one, since there is still a lot that i need to know more about the person. People move on, but more often than not, it is not yet a closed book to both of the parties involved.
Q2-
jumping into marriage with a widowed family is not easy, the entire family (dad & kids) must all be accepting of me. if the dad loves me, the kids should also have a say, for in this way the family i'll be with could only work out right. I value kids opinions and say, they should always be considered, its not only the dad's life thats going to change, their life would also change, as i get into the family circle. Jumping into a widowed family is not a big issue for me, I may or may not be able to have kids of my own in the future due to ovarian surgery at the age of 28, and my chances of having kids of my own as doctors puts it is 50/50. So, if the family is willing and loves me as the 2nd mom and not a replicate of their dearly beloved, then i guess there a chance. age as an issue? for me, age is not really the guage for maturity... maturity comes with the experiences and how a person handles responsibility. A person can be older but the maturity lacks and vice versa... compatibility is more likely the point you should be looking into rather than the age range.
because people are afraid of what is one the outside than getting to know them as a person. i would know because of my dark past of getting judgeed for looks instead of who i was a kind loving individual.
