If the longest lasting best marriages there are based on feedback from people who have been married the longest are ones where you marry your best friend... why do so many women want to draw a line between friends and potential romantic relationships?
Personally, at this stage in my life, I don't want a romantic relationship but I know in the future I will want one again. I don't want to have to go mate hunting if I have a dozen female friends that I get along with... Why does it have to be one or the other?
I've met lots of women and they all seem to have this perspective. They say things like, "we have a good friendship and I don't want to loose that..." Or getting turned down for a second date because "your more like a good friend.."
I really don't understand this getting slotted and locked into the "friend" category of relationships. It would seem to me that being friends provides a foundation to build on rather than trying to start a romantic relationship with a stranger.
If you are friends and already basically know each others way of thinking, favorites, etc... why is progressing to a more romantic relationship such a disaster?
Relationships have no formula or guarantees for that matter. Going for your best friend doesn't necessarily mean things are gonna work out.
The worst thing is being compromised of the current friendship if the relationship won't work out. Being best friends and learning how you both think is one thing,.. How well you guys connect through those thoughts it's another story altogether. Can you believe that your partners level of intelligence may be a threat in the relationship? (That's a subject on its own that I wanna talk about here)
At times it may really be worth the effort of starting all over searching for a brand new experience which I fully agree that it's very hard. Few marriages may work out just fine with people who were best friends. That doesn't mean its gonna be like that with you too. You and your partner would be a unique couple with your experiences to go through which are gonna be different from every other couple around you.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with friends entering into a "courting" stage. Women use the lines you put forth because they are not interested. Period. Women use these lines because they dont know what to say and they dont want to hurt the guys feelings. If a woman is interested she will always let you know trust me.
Let God direct your paths. Pray about this,fast about this...Focus on things of God 100% and everything else will fall into place! When we get ahead of God we most assuredly will go a way that he will not bless and thus we get into situations where we get hurt feelings and confusion. God doesnt intend for EVERYONE to be married. He knows best so we must trust HIM in this area of life as with all other areas in our lives.
Both responses so far to your post, OP are dead on! The only thing I wanted to add, piggy-backing on SHP's post, which I think works for men as well, is if there's no physical or chemistry attraction, all the "friendship" in the world won't change anything! Unfortunately friendship, at the end of the day, is all you'll have.....but again friendship at the onset of any relationship, is a basic foundation!
But between to believers, the ONLY foundation that will ultimately sustain a long lasting partnership, is faith in Jesus Christ! Be blessed my brother now and when you do decide to embark upon a romantic relationship!
"But again friendship at the onset of any relationship, is a basic foundation!"
True that sis, I fully agree!
When saying at times it may be worth a brand new experience, I didn't mean that, they should skip basic stages of starting over as friends with a new found person.
Current existing female friends may always be better off as just that... Friends, then search for a partner whom he'll be working on building a relationship with, but still start over as being friends with her. Was taken by his last paragraph when saying,
"If you are friends and already basically know each others way of thinking, favorites, etc... why is progressing to a more romantic relationship such a disaster?"
What is your thought sis on that paragraph alone?
Matthew
Please bear with us my dear brother, the intention is not taking over your post. I'm more interested on your last paragraph fore what you said there is an honest truth and reality in relationships. At times we may connect very well as friends and even think that we do stand a chance in sustaining a romantic relationship, only to disconnect altogether in romance when our friendship flowed very well.
This is a very interesting post just dwelling on your last paragraph. Thank you for giving us a chance of having this discussion!
Sisygirl, my dove.....when I made the statement of friendship at the onset of any relationship being a basic foundation, it was more of a general statement. It was not so much referring specifically to your comments that at times it may be worth a brand new experience, but not skipping the basic stages of starting over as friends with new interests. Personally, I'd want to do whatever it takes to salvage a friendship where I see possibilities.......see gratifying worth!
As for the OP's statement: "If you are friends and already basically know each others way of thinking, favorites, etc......why is progressing to a more romantic relationship, such a disaster?" As I've stated earlier here, if there's no physical/chemistry attraction of 1 or both parties, a romantic transition will never be easy! It's just simply human nature! Yet I believe only God can be in the midst, shooting cupid's arrow:hearts:!!! God bless.
I appreciate all of your responses. It just seems over the past 5 year, all the girls I've been with "break up" with me ( or put the breaks on ) using one of the following lines ( or variation of them ):
"...your a good friend and I wouldn't want to mess that up"
-or-
" your marriage material and I'm not ready to do that"
Also, nearly 100% of them was to start with pursuing a courting relationship and depending on how it progresses, go one of these two ways with me... and all of them will only date strangers and "never" with a friend.
Is it that I'm just really good a picking women who are more interested in fooling around than getting serious?
It just seems odd to me that this is the "norm" of it and all the guys I know ( with the exception of getting dumped with the "your marriage material" line ) have this same complaint. Maybe its the region I live in...
Even my ex-wife left me because she wanted the freedom to fool around with whomever/whenever and doesn't like having to be accountable (at least that is what she told me) aka, she wants to be single. Her longest relationship since our divorce has been about 3 months with an average closer to a few weeks.
After about 5 years, I'm loosing interest and only passively open to a relationship partially because I'm burned out. I also now have custody of my kids because of her lifestyle and am really nervous about sharing my kids with a stranger... which is why I want to go with the friend route and see if anything develops from there...but once your friends, its a dead end.
It seems that if I don't try to get them in bed by the end of the first week, there is no romantic hope. I can't and wont move that fast...especially when there are kids involved. I want to get to know them before introducing them to my kids. Then see how well they get along with my kids before considering getting serious. For me, this means a few months before perusing more romantic interests... and that seems to be a deal breaker.
Sorry for the bluntness but it is a real point of confusion and I don't know how to soften that subject. It is what it is.
"Sorry for the bluntness but it is a real point of confusion and I don't know how to soften that subject"
You don't have to apologize for speaking your heart dear one. I'm more interested in conversations were we speak about real issues of life. We may decide to turn a blind eye and be all silent as if all is well, fact is we are going through these daily challenges. Not talking about them doesn't mean they not there.
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And yes dear this subject is more sensitive than I thought. The moment there's kids involved, there's much to bear in mind concerning your kids, your self and your partner's best interest at heart. This puts more pressure on you as the middle person in this whole thing. With you it begins with honest self search before bringing an extra person in this. The last thing you need is bringing a woman coz you're more interested in her mothering your kids since their mother's almost not there. That would really be a selfish step my brother with a package of drama in the midst. NB... Having said this I by no means mean that you're selfish, get me right on that please dear
I'm from step parenting childhood. Trust me it can turn out to be hectic at times. Most (if not all) well meant things turn out to be issues working against the step parent. She may not even rebuke your kids on basic kids false without being told that she's not their mother. This may cause a fight between you two if communication lacks and intentions are misunderstood.
With your kids on the other hand who'll be expecting their daddy's full support always even when at false just coz blood should be thicker than water. You must always be a neutral person in all issues, supporting both parties without taking sides or else you'll be opening a whole that you might regret when working against your family.
Again things may work out just fine... Only God know better
Growing up, I had a lot of friends that were in step families and sometimes it was good and sometimes not. I know it's not something I want to jump into blindly.
I also know that my ability to get a date is purely up to me as there isn't a shortage of interested parties...but I don't want to start with romance which is a deal breaker for all of them. I'm understand some of the frustration of single parents and relationships. Single people with no kids want to move way to fast.
If I get back to that point, I want to go for the long term. This means getting to know you first. I guess this is why I consider myself "old fashion" as I don't want to start with romance and hope a friendship develops but rather the other way around, the way I figure it should be.
