I just started dating at age 30. In the past 4 years I have become friends with several women online. And I have met a few of them in real life. I can't explain why, but usually in real life when I am on a first date, I forget everything that I was going to say. It's like my brain gets erased. My blood pressure rises. I start sweating. And I notice myself jumping from one topic to the next, and I cannot calm down. This doesn't happen to me online when I am writing messages to women. But it does happen when I am meeting in person or through Skype.
Do you have any good advice for me?
I think, maybe it is possible that with a lot of practice I will eventually get used to talking to women, and I will reach a comfort zone. But it is soooooooo slow! Here is what I have been doing so far: I usually search diligently online for months, and eventually I find a good friend. It then takes several months to build trust. We write tons of letters back and forth. And then we go on a first date, which is always the last date. That first date is my "practice session." So, in order to get a single hour of practice, I have to read through hundreds of profiles and write tons of letters. And then I have to start all over again. And I am discouraged, because I feel like I am not making any progress. I mean my eyes are sore because I have read so many profiles here! I have met some very smart, responsible, pretty, and mature women on this site and on Facebook, but I lost them. I am like a fisherman who catches fish, and as soon as I touch the fish, I freak out because they are slippery! And they jump back into the sea. And they are gone. I don't know what to do. :(
PS: I used to have a long and colorful profile and several photos. But my page is blank right now, because I am totally tired of searching. I am taking a break.
I think it can be more difficult to go on a date after talking to someone online for months. Online communication is so different from interacting in person. After spending months of exchanging emails and texts, there is a higher level of expectation on that first meeting than there would be if you just met a girl and asked her out. Maybe that expectation is too much pressure for you. I personally think it is much better to meet sooner rather than later. Neither party has too much invested emotionally and it's easier to relax. Maybe it would help to keep in mind that your date is probably a little bit nervous too, and if you slip up when you are talking, it's not the end of the world. I wouldn't worry about trying to impress your date; just be yourself and focus on having an enjoyable time. If you are too focused on trying to make a good impression, you will probably be in your own head and be way too harsh on yourself if you forget something or slip up. You can always try asking your date a few questions at the beginning of the date; you are showing an interest in getting to know her better and you don't have the pressure of carrying the conversation at first.
Well, I don't have a problem talking to women if the topic of our conversation is business related, for example, I am in Walmart and I want to find something. I have no problem walking up to a girl and asking her where to find paint thinner. Or if I walk into the bank and say to the teller "I would like to deposit $300 into my account" and she happens to be a beautiful girl, that's perfectly fine. Also, I don't have a problem discussing politics, theology, the weather or whatever, because it's natural.
But the moment I shift focus and want to express that I am interested in her, it gets awkward. I have only done that ONCE in my entire life, and I felt very awkward. I hate being awkward! I always try to avoid situations which may turn out to be awkward. So, I can't just walk up to women and ask them out. If I could do that, then I would already have a girlfriend by now.
As I said, my problem is that I cannot talk to women when our conversation shifts to ourselves. I can talk about other things. But on a first date, you're supposed to talk about each other. And you're not supposed to talk about yourself all the time, because that's rude. You're supposed to ask questions, show that you agree, be kind, smile at her, make her comfortable, etc. And those are the things that derail me. I can't do those things.
I am seeing a counselor about this, and he suggested that I do small steps at a time. He said to me, "Just walk up to a random girl and ask her a question, and once she gives you an answer, just say to her 'You have a nice necklace!' and walk away."
Even this simple instruction makes me very nervous.
I think you might be trying to treat symptoms instead of the main problem. I can't tell you what that problem is, but you might have an idea. I used to have a similar problem, but I can't say the resolution applies to you. A simple blanket prescription would be to find "peace" with and confidence(not arrogance) in yourself. Take that however you need to. Also, just some questions you should ponder, if you're a nice enough guy to talk to and get dates with these women, what is "really" different in real life? And if you're just putting on a brave face in the digital world because you can spend hours thinking of things to say in the right way instead of the seconds you have in real life, then could there be a problem there as well? Since you have no problem talking to women in normal situations, maybe you put women you're interested in on a higher pedestal than is healthy? Maybe try treating them like friends at first instead of trying to "catch" them, that might take pressure off. Anyway, you know yourself better than I know you, during this break you're taking, really honestly reflect on your attitudes and motivation, and CHANGE what you know need to change. I barely spoke a single word to any girl my age as I was growing up, I only broke out of my shell when I was around 22, and what helped me was a realization that I am my own worst enemy, so I began to fight a war with myself. Finding Christ and the peace and confidence that comes with Him helped a great deal. I know that's obscure, but I can't really tell you how to do that, you have to seek/study for yourself.
You need to focus on something. If youre talking to her, focus on her eyes. Eye contact is important. But before you say anything, really look at her. Take in what she is doing, how she is standing, or sitting. Body language is important. It can tell you if she is relaxed, or worried, or nervous.
Try not to think about what youre going to say next, you may miss something she says unless you listen.
You start sweating because you are either breathing too fast or too slowly. Take long, slow, deep breaths. This will stop the sweating and lower your heart rate. The main thing is to look her in the eye, listen, and if she says something, take a second to think about it and dont blurt out the first thing that pops into your mind. If you seem relaxed to her, she will be relaxed.
I had your problem when I was a teenager. My mother watched me approach a girl I had a crush on in 9th grade. Afterward, my mother was blunt. She said, "You sounded like a gibbering idiot. Relax and be yourself".
So, the next time I talked to her I said, "Sorry about the other day. I think youre one of the nicest girls here and I like you, but I was scared out of my wits when I talked to you the other day". She told me that she was glad that girls werent the ones who had to approach boys. She said she didnt know if she could do it if it was the other way around. We courted through most of high school.
So what did you do in your teenage years and 20s? Did you have any relationships with the opposite sex? If it wasn�t serious, did you have females that were your friends?
It sounds like your weakness is socializing in person. You have no problem conversing with people online. But I have known a lot of people who write nicer/sweeter/smarter on letters. In letters people have time to review, revise, and edit. However in reality it is a different story.
I would highly recommend for you to get off this site. I would spend more time at church and with fellow believers. You can fine tune your skills with women in reality. If you don�t feel comfortable yet, then don�t write letters to online women, rather talk to them over the phone.
Apostelle, although your mother's advice sounded a bit harsh to me, she was actually encouraging you to give it another try! But when I was in 9th grade, my mom told me to stay away from girls. That was her only advice. And throughout my whole life I felt that my parents were strongly against me getting married, and I pretended to agree with them. I had a totally different upbringing. I grew up in a bubble, completely isolated from girls.
I am somewhat introverted, which means most of the time I don't initiate conversations with strangers. But on top of that, I became very shy in high school. I grew up in a small country in Europe, and I moved to the USA after I finished middle school. Everything was new. In the beginning, I felt terrible. My English was limited, so I couldn't express myself. I was suddenly the quietest person in the whole school!
In school, you get to talk to girls anytime you want, because you have to be together everyday. And let's be realistic, at age 18, we are just kids. We don't know what "normal" is and even if you mess up like you did with that girl, she was forgiving with you. But I am out of school now, and I cannot practice like you did. I am 32 years old, and when you get to this age, there is a certain level of intelligence that people expect from you.
I feel that I cannot walk up to random girls and blurt out some gibberish, because it would be very weird. You know what I mean? If you talk like a shy 13-year-old boy at age 32, then people assume that you are an idiot. I have been elected president of the local neighborhood watch. I have been teaching Sunday school for 10+ years. I live in a small city, and many people know me. I cannot act like an idiot, because if I do, I ruin my reputation.
It doesn't sound to me like you are expecting too much of yourself or your first date. I think the problem is that you are so attached to the outcome that you are unable to participate in the process of being on a first date. What I mean is that you have a vision of how this will work out based on your previous communications with your date. You want this date to go perfectly and just the way you imagine it will go. You are so focused on the outcome being just the way you imagine it that you can't let go of it and allow the date to be as it is. You are trapped in the process and you just want to get to the outcome!
When we are attached to the vision and not able to participate in the process we end up pushing the very thing we desire further away from us. Even though we might think we are engaged in the process we are clawing and scratching at the thing we want to the point of driving it away. The women leave and don't come back because you are not present in the moment with them and they are in the flow of your clawing and scratching energy.
You don't need to practice how to behave with women on a date. You need to practice relaxing by allowing the moment to be what it is while you are in it not ahead of it. You will get what you want when you learn that you must hold it in balance - not too tight not too loose. This is how you behave when you are in non dating situations with women because you are not attached to an outcome with them. You are in the moment with them. Keep the outcome you want for the date in mind but keep it as a preference and not a must have. Relax. Breathe slowly and loosen your grip on what you want. You just might get more than what you thought you wanted. Also, don't be afraid to excuse yourself to find a place to breathe and relax. If you do this then find an object to focus your eyes on and breathe with your mind focused on your out breath and nothing else. You will calm down and be able to go back to her in just a couple of minutes. Once you are good at this technique you will be able to do it when you are with her and she won't even know you are doing it. You might practice it at home when you are alone.
Yes, I take hours to contemplate and think about what I am going to write back to a girl. It may be just a paragraph or two, but there's a lot of mental work that I put into it. If I was on the phone or in real life, I wouldn't know what to say. (I have tried it! My mind went blank...) I need time to gather my thoughts and analyze the situation. Of course, sometimes I make mistakes, but most of the time people tell me that I write really well. I get compliments all the time. So, I acknowledge that writing is probably one of my strengths. Talking is NOT. Making friends and meeting new people in real life is something I dread!
There's a group for introverts on Facebook, and I found thousands of other people like me. One of the girls there told us that she writes love letters to herself. Another said that she takes herself on dates because she hasn't met anyone who would take her out. So, I may be a "weirdo," but I am not the only one. This is a serious problem. There are many people who cannot make friends in real life for various reasons. And we feel disconnected, alienated, left out, ignored, and alone. And it's not because we are incapable of opening up and expressing our love and emotions. We are normal human beings with great personalities. We just don't know how to start a connection, and we appear shy, uninterested, and withdrawn.
LastLady, I joined this dating site, because I want to get married one day. So, I want to put myself "out there." If someone wants to find me, I am here. I am not invisible and inaccessible. Remember the joke about the guy who wanted to win the lottery? He prayed to God to win, and God said to him, "If you want Me to help you, buy a lottery ticket at least!"
Life is a journey, not a destination. And I view this experience as being on a path of self-discovery and learning. Nobody is perfect, and I still have a lot to learn. And I need to change in many ways. But I am on a path. I am not trying to hide my problem. I am open about it, and I reveal it at some point to anyone who becomes my friend on this site.
I understand you situation, brother. Maybe better than most. I may have revealed this a long time ago, but I will do so again, as it may help you.
When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with agoraphobia. Agora, meaning market, phobia meaning fear of. Basically, I have a serious problem being outside or around groups of people. Over the years I have had to learn to cope with this problem. This is much more severe than being "awkward" around women/girls.
However, my "condition" like your problem can be, if not overcome, dealt with. You will need to develop the coping mechanisms. You will need to learn how to "center yourself" and control your physical reactions. Im not going to tell you that it will be easy, it will not. But it can be controlled. You may even want to seek professional help because it sounds like you are dealing with a panic/anxiety disorder.
When I was first diagnosed, they wanted to treat me with medications, but I didnt like being "drunk". So, I stopped and developed my own skills for dealing with social situations and even going outside.
