Author	Thread: How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues?
cedarwoody View Profile History	How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues? Posted : 20 Apr, 2009 08:52 AM Just recently responded to a forum in ask the guys, Do breakups hurt? My wife and I are currently separated after 7 years of a half totally wonderful and half totally nightmare marriage. My wife has extremely bad sexual molestation issues as a child by her father and grandfather and worse yet, a ritual type of of situation by a men's group at her fathers church involving other young grade school aged girls as well. Very long story with many many resulting ramifications, but my situation is this. Bottom line for me seems to be, I can't seem to be good enough for her to make up for, or to help her get past all the previous expereinces. We have had extremely wonderful times together, and I love her dearly, but there are times, such as now, that it seems impossible for us. Maybe even doomed from the start! Counseling for each of us has helped at times but not enough and it's very slow going for her to work through her side of all this. I ask any girls, ladies out there, do you have any experience along these lines, and if so I'm open for anything that will help me comprehend the current situation and help me bring our marriage back together. Parayers, prayers, prayers, the human side of dealing with all of this is failing miserably. And to re-iterate my response to the other forum question, YES, IT HURTS!!!!! Post Reply
Hisgirl View Profile History	How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues? Posted : 20 Apr, 2009 10:07 AM Tough one, guy! Counseling is surely helpful in some cases, but in my experience, the key is for her to understand and believe it was something that happened to her and not what defines her. She survived it because God was with her. She needs to live in the here and now, and not in the past. I don't mean to make light of her past experiences, but if she doesn't learn to live for today, Satan has won. None of it is easy and it all takes time and grace. You cannot 'fix' her either. Post Reply
cgaer View Profile History	How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues? Posted : 20 Apr, 2009 10:22 AM You are going to have to pray this through just you and God. Pray it out like you've never prayed before. Only God can heal her. You are still married which still makes you 'one' in the eyes of God. That gives YOU the authority to take this before the Lord and lay it at His feet. Jesus prayed until He bled. Now that is soul praying, and this situation will take that type of prayer. Yes it hurts, but God can heal ALL things. Pray and pray and pray, if you have to stay up all night praying over it, do so, pray until you get the answers from God etched upon your heart and hers. As the 'head' of the marriage, this is your fight as well. This is a spiritual battle that has already been won, but the fight isn't over yet. I'll stand in agreement with you brother, pray it out. Post Reply
View Profile History	How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues? Posted : 20 Apr, 2009 04:17 PM I'm sorry to hear what your family has went through over the years. I would second the motion that Cgaer wrote: PRAYER is the key. But what I wanted to add is that there are times we must also FAST, pray, and believe that God will move in our situations. Although your wife is having a difficult time dealing with all the horrific things that happened in her childhood, YOU can stand in the gap of intercession and call on the Lord to not only help you but also her to deal with everything. GOD is in the restoration and healing business, your marriage CAN be saved if you both continue to work on it and take it to the Lord in prayer. Do not give in to the enemy. The enemy loves to see people divorce, especially Christians. There is NO PROBLEM too big for our Heavenly Father to solve. Our job is to have patience, perserve in fasting and prayer, and to believe GOD in the meantime. I applaud you for coming forth with such a personal tragedy and asking for a woman's perspective. That, in itself, shows how much you love your wife and desire to save your marriage. I KNOW and believe that GOD can and will turn things around. I'll be praying for your family. Jesus is a healer! HE can do it! Michelle Post Reply
View Profile History	How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues? Posted : 20 Apr, 2009 04:22 PM I also wanted to leave you with one of my favorite scriptures. These few lines have helped me when things looked dark all around and it seemed I would never get the victory. But GOD ALWAYS gets the victory! God wanted me to stop looking at my present situation and be encouraged, so He reminded me of His Word below: 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (NIV)---Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. Be blessed my brother, Michelle Post Reply
View Profile History	How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues? Posted : 20 Apr, 2009 09:40 PM I agree with the other ladies. It is something that takes a lot of prayer and even pushing the plate away. The enemy loves to attack people when they are young and are not able to fight back. Then they are left wounded and broken for many of years wondering what is wrong with them. They find it very hard to function in a relationship....Regardless if they are being treated well or not. There is a very good book by Joyce Meyers called Beauty for Ashes. That is a life saver for some women that have walked through the same exact issues. It would do both of you good to read it. I pray that your marriage will be 100% restored in Jesus name! :rocknroll: Post Reply
Linnie41 View Profile History	How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues? Posted : 21 Apr, 2009 12:37 AM One thing I noticed that you said was you're not good enough to help her through this. Don't take the blame for what happened to her as a child. Her emotional issues have nothing to do with anything you have or haven't done. She was scarred when she was very young, and I don't believe anyone - not just you - would be able to come in and "fix" it. God is the healer - not man. I would suggest that you get some individual counseling to help you get through your feelings of inadequacy- and I'm not talking about sexual, I'm talking about not being able to make everything better with her - to not be able to erase her past with the love you have for her. Although she's an adult now, she's got some pretty deep wounds and her definition of love was raped along with her body. Sexual abuse doesn't end with the flesh - it also destroys self worth, handicaps the ability to give and receive love, produces feelings of guilt, and completely incapacitates trust. Keep working on your marriage - don't give up. I know it's difficult, but you've entered the "for worse" part. Pray, pray, pray and know that we're praying with you. Blessings, Lynn Post Reply
Linnie41 View Profile History	How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues? Posted : 21 Apr, 2009 12:44 AM Also, it's none of my business, but is this so called "church" still in existence? Were her father and grandfather ever brought to justice for what they did to her? I know that these men are for God to deal with, but God did give someone the intelligence to invent a prison for a reason. Post Reply
cedarwoody View Profile History	How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues? Posted : 21 Apr, 2009 08:46 PM To hisgirl, thank you for your comment but I don't think you really appreciate the depth of the situation. You're saying if she can't live for today, in the here and now, satan has won? And counseling would surely be helpful? An enormous amount of damage, in many ways, was done to her as a child. Now hear this, please, Father, grandfather both were involved in all of this until she was "rejected" for reaching a certain age. Her mother actually "primped" her for the evenings for the men's group! To this day her mother will not acknowledge any of this ever happening! Vocally anyway, but I have been present when certain "looks" were given to references of any sort to the "bad old days". I for sure feel certain her Mother is in absolute denial of the entire situation. Btw, my wife's father passed away many years ago from a sudden heart attack. my wife's sisters, all adults, also are aware of the past happenings and I have suspiscions that they too to some degree were victims as well. These events are not only something that "happened to her", they affect her terribly to this very day! I agree that satan ( notice no capitals) has tried his best to defeat her but in no way will I accept the fact that he has won! If you care to, I'm going to respond to Linnie41 as well pertaining to her comments, with some further info. Thanks for your response though. Post Reply
cedarwoody View Profile History	How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues? Posted : 21 Apr, 2009 09:55 PM To Linnie41, thank you for your thoughts and comments, I really appreciate them. There is so much I could tell you about this situation but this isn't the place necessarily for it. Rest assurred, I'm not taking any blame for what happened to her as a child, It's just that recently, last year, we did get involved in a discussion pertaining to this and she told me many many elements and details of all of this that I'd not known. Also, I should say, I was not aware of any of this prior to our marriage. I will tell you that this entire living nightmare for her could be a " Hollywood" script that would be an unbelievable to see. I had to literally promise her that I would not persue any of this any further. When I did indicate my desire to, she got an immediate look of horror and fear on her face, the most devastating look I've ever seen. My past and current feelings about all of this and what is has developed into, is a feeling of utter helplessness personally, to be able get her to live in the "present", not the past, as "Hisgirl" stated. From the moment she decided to move out and get her own place, I felt I had no alternative but to turn her and our situation over to God, and that's where it remains. Barring his "intervention" in all this, I don't see us ever returning to each other. Btw, to toss something else in the mix, without her income we will losing our home shortly. I will not accept the statement that satan has won, because of "All things work together for good for those that love the Lord." I really have no choice at this point but to accept whatever happens. Simple as that. Thanks for your listening. Post Reply
View Profile History	How does a couple overcome past family sexual molestation issues? Posted : 22 Apr, 2009 09:22 AM I know you asked the ladies, but I have been in your situation twice in my life and wanted to say something here from the male perspective. This is a very long and slow process for her recovery, and it will help if you understand a few things. First, you have to change your whole outlook on the male role in this relationship. We always want to be the protector in the relationship and that is the last thing she needs to see. The people in her life who were supposed to protect her are the ones who hurt her. You play no part in this other than as someone for her to take her frustrations out on. Stand there and take it, knowing that it is because she loves you that she chose you to show this weakness to. No matter what you do, don't try to fix any part of this. That is the fastest way to lose her. ALL decisions are her's, you play no part. When she asks your opinion, tell her that you are there for her whatever she decides. Stay out of it, even when asked to help. Just love her and be there for her. Do no ever get angry with her for it taking so long, this will take many years to get better, and she will never be "normal". She needs your love and nothing more. Just some of what I learned, I pray it helps. Leon Post Reply

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