Not ordered by Last Post? Old Topic, new opinion...
Posted : 7 May, 2012 11:28 PM
Well I just bumped a 2 year old thread (I know, internet taboo) because I felt compelled to say my piece. Sadly it seems threads aren't ordered by most recent posts so it's still buried 20+ pages back. It's a subject that is often on my mind and one I feel strong feelings for. Now while I know some women will disagree with my notions and/or not want this for themselves it's something I would like to get a reply too. I am firm in my beliefs but I am not hardened to reason and differing views so if anyone else has any opinions on the matter I would love to hear them.
The subject was 'Stay at home dads/husbands' and while I realize I was strong in some of my words I surely meant no insult to the others who had posted before me.
Here was my post:
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I realize this is a 2 year bump but I can't help being nearly disturbed by some of the things I've read in this thread. I know some of the people in here may not even come to this site anymore so it may be unfair for me to unload when they can't read and respond to what I have to say but I'm finding it difficult to refrain as this is a subject that is actually very personal.
Suffice to say, if we are going to be holding men strictly to the family responsibilities laid out in the Old Testament, why wouldn't we do the same for women? So Proverbs says a man who doesn't 'provide' for his family is worse than an infidel? Pray, what does the Old Testament say about a woman who works? I'm pretty sure it's no more flattering than infidel.
Far be it from me to refuse a woman her preference, that is between you, your husband and God. However this notion that a man who isn't providing FINANCIALLY isn't providing at all is as archaic and sexist as the notion that a woman's place is in the home. Some women want to be stay at home wives and mothers and some want to be career women. Even in ultra conservative christian households this is commonplace and accepted. Yet a man who is drawn to nurturing and keeping the home is viewed as some sort of 'lesser man'? Who are we to judge what God has called whom to do.
I've never seen a loving and happily married couple, in which the wife was a stay at home wife/mother, where both partners did not view that role as an essential part of the operation in which the husband would provide FINANCIALLY. Why? Because it is a PARTNERSHIP. Whether they partner by both bringing in income or partner by one bringing in income and the other helping make that way of life possible. So why is it if the man where the one at home he would no longer be providing even by way of his wife?
My father was a driven career man. He provided financially for my mother, my sister and I. However his field of work called him to work almost ceaselessly and what time he had at home he was often too tired to be a FATHER. He was raised in a generation diluted into the same kind of thinking I see in this thread, that once a man has put food on the table his job is done. How did this affect me and my sister do you think? How do you believe a boy who grew up with a father who was not accessible on hardly any level was affected by this?
Now do I think a father cannot work and be emotionally accessible to his children and be a loving, tender husband to his wife? Of course not. However this mentality that 'providing' for his family means money, money, money is flawed beyond all belief. I'm lucky, after my father retired I was able to grow much closer to him and we have a great relationship today. This does not change the past however. It does not change that I had to awkwardly discuss things with my mother that a boy should discuss with his father nor does it erase the guilt my father feels for having had blinders on for his children's youth. Least of all it does not undue the effect this has had on the outlook of life and the view of marriage that both my sister and I will carry for the rest of our lives.
It's no coincidence my sister is now a highly successful and accomplished doctor and soon professor who would love to meet a man who could show her kids the love and closeness she never felt. It's no coincidence I am pursuing a career in pastoral counseling with an emphasis on counseling fellow pastors and families. Because not only do I hope to be a father and a husband first and foremost but I also find it utterly shameful that even men in the field of ministry are putting their flock ahead of their family. God gave them a family before he gave them a congregation just as God instituted the Family, the FIRST of HIS strongholds, thousands of years before he instituted the Church, the SECOND of HIS strongholds.
A man's ministry is first and foremost to his family no matter his line of work and I believe the Apostle Paul would agree with me on that. He decided to remain unmarried because he knew that what the Lord had called him to do would not allow him to be THERE for his family and I ask who here is a more zealous follower of the Law and the Prophets than was Saul?
If as a pastoral counselor I can remind even one man of his duties to his family that lie far above and beyond that which moth and dust doth corrupt, I will have fulfilled my calling and if after that I am blessed with a wife who is a career woman who would WANT me to stay at home to raise and perhaps even home school our children while easing her load as much as possible then I will praise God and be wholly unashamed as a MAN.
Not ordered by Last Post? Old Topic, new opinion...
Posted : 8 May, 2012 03:57 AM
I might be too young to really have an opinion about this or a well-formed one, I should say. It sounds like you have a servant's heart, MCEV. Some people are gifted in different ways by God, so if you feel a moving in you to be a stay at home father for your children and a super dad and husband for your wife, that's just too cool.
You know, having a dad who's there is important in a child's life as well as having a mom. And I'm sure some woman will be blessed to have a husband like you who puts that much thought into his children and his family life.
Not ordered by Last Post? Old Topic, new opinion...
Posted : 8 May, 2012 08:17 AM
I love your heart and passion towards fathering; it is commendable! :applause:
There are some practical, albeit generalized things to consider when arguing the other side of this point:
1) Men often get paid more and can therefore provide a higher income to care for his children. This means a woman would have to work harder/longer to provide the same income. Not always, but most often.
2) While this could work for a couple who were predispositioned to flip the roles, a woman's natural draw to nurture her children may be stiffled or displaced, giving opportunity for resentment on her part and the same missing-parent syndrome in the family, just in reverse.
I actually know a doctor/professor and her stay-at-home husband who make this work quite nicely. It is funny how this world attaches your respect together with the job you hold. As a result, others don't really know how to treat him, thinking perhaps he is less intelligent (as stay-at-home women have been treated for centuries) or less capable... until you get to know him! I don't know what she would do without him!
Not ordered by Last Post? Old Topic, new opinion...
Posted : 9 May, 2012 03:21 PM
Thank you both for taking the time read all of that and respond, I really do appreciate it! I was apprehensive about posting it at first, while I have met women who are accepting and respectful of the concept (even if they don't seek it personally) I have also met some for which the subject is laughed or scoffed at. So I wasn't quite sure what kind of reaction I would get.
MsMarvel:
Thank you for your kind words! I truly do hope that whatever my profession or role that I can be the best husband and father I can be whenever God blesses me with a family. I may not have the education or work history that a 29 year old would usually have but I have no regrets as I have spent these years dedicating as much of my time as possible to being there for and caring for the family I was born into.
trustandbelieve:
You raise some very good points! Truthfully I would never ask for or expect such a situation unless it was not both very financially viable and honestly wanted by both partners. Of course being able to take care of the non child related duties of the household so that the time that the working partner is home can be spent with their children as much as possible would/should be the ideal goal of a stay at home partner of either gender.
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Surely it would call for the right people and the right situation as in today's world it is often times not even entirely plausible for the wife to remain at home.
I was homeschooled from 6th grade on however and having been in public/private school and being old enough to remember the shift it has made a big impact on me to see how much of a hugely positive influence it had on both my sister and I. So it is a hope of mine someday, should my wife be open to the idea, that we homeschool our children in which case one or the other will likely have to be home for at least a good part of the day.
Of course God has a way of taking your dreams and plans and shaping them over time to be at times different and even greater than you had imagined so however it works out as long as it's God's will I'll be content!
Thanks again for the responses and for giving me things to consider. God bless!
