I read this somewhere and thought it interesting which is that the word "settle" has become a bad word in modern times particularly among women, but could also certainly be true with the notoriously comittaphobic men. I was just wondering what you're thoughts and perspectives are on that and the concept of settling.
When people use it to describe things that really don't matter a lot (shared interests, activities, guitar playing ability, whatever), then I think it's stupid. But then, I don't think that if you met someone with whom you were really compatible, with a healthy and mutually respectful relationship, that would be settling.
Unfortunately, at least for me, I have seen people do it. I've watched good friends date and marry if only because they feel like it's their one chance. And in these situations, I have seen people settle - settle for guys who are essentially little boys that still want to sit at home and play Xbox all day instead of get a decent job. Guys that want to continue living their forever alone life as though they weren't married. Abusive guys. And I've watched those friends become like shadows of the people they used to be.
I've seen it happen with guys too, though the situations are different.
For me, that's settling, and it terrifies me. I seriously dated a guy who I realize now was very similar to a guy a friend married. Lived with his parents, very sheltered, unable to stand up to them or really man up and take control of any situation in his life. We got along well. We laughed a lot. We were good friends and easily could have married (if he hadn't been so dependent on his parents). I wouldn't have thought it was settling, but I look back now and see what a disaster that would have been.
So, tl;dr, a lot of things aren't settling and a lot of things could/should be settled for, but I think when you see people that truly do settle and how destructive that is, that makes you want to run the other way. It does for me.
When I read this I decided to go look for the definition of "settle" here are a few that are quite interesting;
To settle:
to quiet, calm, or bring to rest
to make stable; place in a permanent position or on a permanent basis.
to achieve personal and professional stability, esp. upon marrying.
to be satisfied with.
Those are just a few but isn't it funny how they all run together. I remember when I was a teenager I wasn't a girl who wanted many boyfriends actually. But there were times when my feelings would develop and the guy would want to start a relationship and I'd immediately get warning bells in my head all the things I thought were wonderful subsided and I began to really look at the individual and question "Should I do this? What if I do and something better comes along?"
That may sound conceited but it wasn't really somehow deep down inside me I always felt that there was someone out there for me and what if I was in a relationship with someone and he comes along? I'm really loyal and would never advocate dumping someone for someone else if the right wind blew your way. I never wanted to settle and now I'm twenty five and still haven't met that person.
I am a vocal person for not making the decision to enter into a relationship lightly and giving that decision up to God. Man's heart can be fleeting and sometimes we have this long romanticized list of "have to's" concerning the man or woman we want to marry. I did, but I decided to let God make that final decision I cannot just join myself with anyone that I may fancy, to me that is "settling".
Case in point I have a friend let's call her Susan for now, her father was a drug abuser and left the family. It had an adverse effect on her as these things do. She was of the opinion that since her father left and never returned that no man could ever truly love her. One day she met this guy "Danny."
Danny was a professed Christian and they hit it off, before long she and Danny became an item, everyone was happy for her until after a time things changed. We started to see little of Susan, practically non existent except for church services. Danny believed in spending every waking moment with her, and if she would decide to go out with her friends he would use emotional blackmail reminding her of "how good she had it" with him. In our eyes this guy was bad news and we feared him to be the type of man to try to alienate her from her friends and family so she'd depend on him. He also made this statement that still shocks me today "Well since you won't sleep with me before marriage, I think I should get your time then." (We only found this out after) Anyway because of her low self esteem in this area she stayed with him. He asked her to marry him and in a very callous manner, he bought her a fifty dollar birthstone ring and didn't really proposed it was more of "hey we've been together for a year we should get married." Convinced by this guy no one could never love her and ignoring all our advice to the contrary she said yes and started to plan her wedding.
The here's where something funny happened... nothing went as planned, every time she they made plans it fell through nothing was sticking. Ministers who came to preach even in home ministers began calling her up for prayer ad everyone had the same word. "God said to wait, stop making plans!"
He was livid wondering why these people kept butting in. She decided to follow the Lord, you know where they are today? Broken up.
I've said all this to say settling is a bad thing when you get into a relationship for the wrong reasons, not because you believe someone is "beneath" you in any social strata or because your family and friends deem a person unworthy since everyone has different opinions in judging what is worthy or not. Settling is very good when the blessings of God is upon the relationship, you are finally settling down to live your life with this person. Sometimes we need to give up our perspective for God's. His is the only one that matters and the only one that can be truly trusted on because it is truth.
I'm sorry? Would "grown up job" be less offensive? Since when is employment something to get angry about?
A job that enables one to pay one's bills and support their family and not live in their parents' basement. Because if you don't have that, you aren't ready for marriage.
And because "a job that a person loves to do and is passionate about" is a huge blessing, but not always reasonable. THAT isn't a deal breaker. No girl in their right mind is going to say, "Wow, you love your work and it makes you come alive and you're using these wonderful gifts and talents God gave you to the best of your ability? Sorry, that won't cut it."
That's a really narrow view. It leaves out a lot of people who are hardworking and dedicated to taking care of themselves or their families that have found jobs that are only decent. Because I've found a lot of times the "dream job" is used as an excuse to avoid the "decent job." It may be your dream job to be a writer/pastor/youth worker/whatever, but in the mean time, the economy has gone to hell and the decent full-time job at AT&T or wherever is the right thing to do. And maybe that "decent" job will turn into a decent career, and those passions will be pursued another way. If you're passionate about something you're doing it on your downtime anyway. It isn't a pass to not have to work like regular people. Unless you have a trust fund, and then have at it.
I said nothing of the sort. Stop projecting your own insecurity onto me.
If a person can support a family on any of those jobs and works hard at them, they're all decent.
I am referring more to grown up man-boys who would rather continue working part-time, minimum-wage hours at Walmart/Target/McDonald's so they can spend more time in front of the Xbox.
To me, "decent job" equals two things. 1) It is legal. 2) It provides a steady income to support a family.
As for settling, when I hear that someone is willing to settle for so-and-so, I assume that there are some things that he/she wishes were different, but the person is not willing to wait for someone better.
A better connotation of settling for someone would be when a person has always sought perfection in a partner, but finally realizes that perfection is not going to happen. At that point, the person will settle for an imperfect partner who is still a great match.
If you are talking about being ready to settle down, I assume that the person is ready to make some decisions that will impact the rest of his/her life. The person is ready to find a spouse, which will lead to having kids, etc. I also think of it meaning that the person is finished with educational goals (though there could be room in the future for more education), has a stable job and place to live, and is ready to accept the full responsibilities of being a grown-up. Of course, settling down doesn't mean that life has to be boring!
